Judie and Trevor, both in their late fifties and married for over 20 years, are now considering divorce. She says she’s done with this marriage, and that she feels unloved and rejected by him. She has felt this way for more than five years, witnessing how they gradually lost their emotional connection, not to mention intimacy.
Trevor, on the other hand, thinks that she loves the children more than she loves him, and she’s always ready to fight him. According to him, she has been threatening to leave for years, and that he reached a point where this might be the best option for him, too.
There are so many couples like Seth and Kayla out there, ready to throw in the towel and seek a quick solution to save their marriage. Truth be told, this is quite a common issue, but the solutions are never that easy. Here’s our take on this matter.
It requires a radical shift in mindset
The good news is that if you are willing to put the effort into rescuing your marriage, there are plenty of things you can do that might give you a fresh start. Breaking this pattern of an unhappy relationship dynamic also requires a radical shift in mindset. Taking full responsibility for your part in this conflict and dispute is the best starting point. One person’s capacity to do this can drastically change the entire dynamic of the relationship.
Studies have shown that one of the most common reasons why couples develop huge difficulties in their marriage is that either one or both partners withdraw because of perpetual feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. In this particular study of 14,000 participants, Dr. Paul Schrodt discovered that women were generally the ones demanding or pursuing, while men tended to withdraw and distance.
Stopping the blaming game
So many couples out there play the blame game, leading to a certain pursuer-distancer dance that can cause one partner to chase the other around. After a while, they no longer address the issue at hand and enter this vicious cycle of resentment, frustration, and anger.
Relationship expert Dr. Harrier Lerner explained that the main recipe for failure in a marriage is waiting for the other one to change. Rather than giving up on their marriage, couples have to lean more toward each other. She writes, “It’s actually the dissatisfied partner who generally is the one motivated to change.
If you don’t take any kind of action on your own behalf, no one else will do it for you.” Even if it’s natural to want to give up when your partner is distant, reacting also expands the divide between you two.
Instead, Dr. Lerner advises you to take responsibility and adopt positive reinforcement. You can say things such as “You were very thoughtful to clean the kitchen,” which mainly highlights your partner’s positive qualities and things you admire about them.
Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional attunement can definitely help you stay connected, despite your clashes and differences. This also means “turning toward” one another, listening, as well as showing empathy rather than “turning away.” Dr. Gottman also advises the approach of a 5:1 ratio of interactions, which means that every negative interaction requires five positive ones.
Dr. Gottman discovered in more than 40 years of research, with thousands of couples, that the number one solution to marital issues is to get good at repairing. He also called it the “secret weapon” of emotionally intelligent couples.
Complain without blame
Have you developed a weird habit of criticizing your partner? Well, in the long run, talking about certain issues will reap better results than blatantly attacking your partner every time. For example, a complaint is mentioning how worried you were when you didn’t get a call, and that you both agreed to check on each other if one of you is running late.
A criticism that doesn’t lead to any conflict resolution is mentioning how the other one never follows through with anything and pointing out how selfish they are for that.
Repair conflicts with skill
Don’t put aside your resentments. This can destroy your relationship more than you can imagine. Dr Gottman’s research also informs us that no less than 69% of conflicts in any marriage never get resolved anyway, so the main focus has to be on managing them properly.
Bouncing back from disagreements rather than avoiding the conflict is even more so important, since couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships.
Stay focused on the issues at hand
Always remember to ask yourself: what is exactly that you’re trying to accomplish? Try to avoid name-calling, and make sure you don’t attack your partner personally. Remember that anger is generally a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, as well as frustration.
Try to ask questions that would go much deeper, and understand the positive need of the other one. Try to give it to them, if you can. Avoid being defensive and showing contempt, such as rolling your eyes, ridiculing, name-calling, and sarcasm.
Boost up physical affection
This is a well-known fact, but nevertheless worth mentioning. As author Dr. Kory Floyd explained, holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which causes a calming feeling in our bodies.
Studies have shown that it’s generally released during orgasm and affectionate touch. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones, lowering the daily levels of the stress hormone that wrecks our lives beyond compare, called cortisol.
Foster fondness and admiration
Try to remind yourself at all times that your partner has plenty of positive qualities that you’ve once fallen in love with. Even as you deal with their flaws, remember the good parts, always. Express your positive feelings out loud more than once each day.
Try to search for common ground rather than insisting on getting things your way, especially when you have a disagreement. Make time to listen to their point of view, and avoid shutting yourself off from communication.
Make time for your partner on a daily basis
Try out new activities that bring you both, please. On the principle of “How was your day, dear?” you slowly learn how to integrate conversations that show empathy, express understanding and interest, and validate emotions. Feeling as if your partner is on your side can definitely help you keep a deep, meaningful bond, and a “we against others” mindset.
Communicate honestly about the main issues in your relationship
Make sure you are as forthcoming as you can when it comes to your concerns. Express your thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Resentment can slowly build up when couples are used to sweeping things under the rug, so try to be vulnerable and don’t bury negative feelings.
Don’t allow your wounds to deepen
Challenge your own beliefs and self-defeating thoughts concerning your partner’s behavior, especially if you find it negative. Listen to their side of the story. Are there times when you felt you couldn’t trust them?
Develop a hurt-free zone policy
This term was invented by author David Akiva, and it refers to a period when criticism wasn’t allowed. Without it, couples tend to be less defensive and hurt feelings effectively dissolve. “Your prime directive at the moment is to eliminate the most toxic communication pattern and reduce negative emotions,” he explained.
If you found this article insightful, we also recommend checking: 6 Subtle Signs You Might Be Falling Out of Love, According to Experts
