Navigating Common Grandparenting Challenges
Even with a strong foundation, challenges are a normal part of family life. The key is to approach them with curiosity and a commitment to collaboration. Here are a few common friction points and how to handle them using the principles we’ve discussed.
When Parenting Styles Clash
It’s almost inevitable: your adult children will do some things differently than you did. They might have different rules about discipline, food, or bedtime. It can be hard to watch and not intervene, especially if you think their approach is “wrong.”
The Pitfall: Voicing criticism, especially in front of the grandchildren. Comments like, “In my day, we didn’t let kids talk back,” or “A little sugar never hurt anyone,” undermine parental authority and put the child in the middle. This is one of the quickest ways to damage trust.
The Better Way: Get curious, not critical. Approach the parents in a private, calm moment. Instead of leading with your opinion, lead with a question. “I’ve noticed you use ‘time-ins’ instead of ‘time-outs.’ That’s new to me. Could you help me understand the thinking behind it so I can be on the same page when I’m watching the kids?” This communicates respect and a genuine desire to be a supportive team member. Unless a child’s safety is at immediate risk, your role is to follow the parents’ lead. Consistency between caregivers is incredibly important for a child’s sense of security, as supported by decades of research in child psychology.
Offering Help Without Overstepping
As a grandparent, your instinct is often to help, fix, and provide. This comes from a place of love, but it can sometimes cross a line into over-functioning—doing things for your adult children that they can and should be doing for themselves. This can inadvertently send a message that you don’t trust their competence, and it can foster dependence instead of confidence.
The Pitfall: Jumping in to solve a problem without being asked. This could look like re-organizing their kitchen, buying a major piece of baby equipment they didn’t ask for, or calling a professional on their behalf.
The Better Way: Offer help in the form of a question. This empowers them to identify their own needs and accept the support that would be most genuinely useful. Try this script: “It seems like things are really busy for you all right now. I would love to help take something off your plate this week. What would be most helpful? I could watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday, bring over dinner one night, or maybe help with that pile of laundry I saw. Let me know what you think.” This collaborative approach ensures your help is received as a gift, not an intrusion.
Managing Your Own Expectations and Emotions
Grandparenting can bring up a lot of emotions for you, too. You might feel a pang of sadness that your children are raising their kids so far away. You might feel hurt if you think your advice is being ignored. You may feel left out of decisions. These feelings are valid, but they are your responsibility to manage.
The Pitfall: Reacting immediately from a place of hurt. This can lead to passive-aggressive comments, guilt-tripping (“Well, I guess you don’t need me anymore”), or emotional withdrawal (the “silent treatment”). These behaviors create anxiety and distance in family relationships.
The Better Way: Practice the 90-second pause. When you feel a strong emotion like anger or hurt, that’s often an emotional flooding response. Neuroscientists have found it takes about 90 seconds for the biochemical rush of that emotion to pass through your system. Give yourself that time. Take a few deep breaths. Step out of the room if you need to. Do not text, call, or speak until the initial intensity has faded. Once you are calmer, you can decide how—or if—you need to address the situation using a thoughtful I-statement. It’s also important to recognize the signs of caregiving burnout. If you are providing a lot of childcare, make sure you have time for your own rest and hobbies. AARP Family Caregiving offers excellent resources and support for caregivers to help maintain balance.
