Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Navigating the nuances of grandparenting can bring up specific questions. Here are a few common ones, addressed with a practical, relationship-focused lens.
What if my adult child doesn’t seem to want my help or advice?
This can be hurtful, but it’s often not personal. It is usually a sign that your adult child is trying to establish their own competence and independence as a parent. The best response is to respect their lead. Shift from giving advice to offering validation and support. Instead of “You should try…”, say “It sounds so tough. I trust you’ll figure out what’s best for your family. I’m here for you if you ever want to brainstorm or just vent.” By consistently applying the “ask-before-advice” rule (“Are you open to a suggestion?”), you show respect for their autonomy, which paradoxically makes them more likely to seek your wisdom in the future.
How do I handle it when my grandchild is misbehaving and the parents don’t intervene in a way I agree with?
This is a very common and difficult situation. The cardinal rule is this: unless the child is in immediate physical danger, you must defer to the parents in the moment. Intervening over their heads undermines their authority and confuses the child. Address your concerns with the parents later, in private. Use a gentle, non-blaming I-statement. For example: “Later today, could we talk for a few minutes about what happened at the park? I felt anxious when Leo was climbing so high, and I wasn’t sure what my role should be in that moment. Could you help me understand your rules around that so I can support you better?” This frames it as a collaborative problem-solving conversation, not a criticism.
Is it okay to “spoil” my grandchildren?
The word “spoil” can mean different things. If “spoiling” means showering them with unconditional love, your full attention, and special experiences, then yes—that is the beautiful gift of grandparenting. However, if “spoiling” means routinely overriding the parents’ rules, buying excessive gifts to win affection, or shielding children from the natural consequences of their actions, it can cause problems. It can create friction with the parents and teach the child that rules are negotiable. The goal of positive grandparenting techniques is to build a bond based on genuine connection, not material possessions or being the “fun one” who breaks the rules. Your relationship is the real treat.
