Compatibility is very important in a relationship, especially if you wish to spend the rest of your life with your partner. At the beginning of a relationship, you probably look for compatibility in the small things, such as a movie you both like, a restaurant you both want to go to, or even shared love for an obscure band. However, as the relationship progresses, it’s important that you pay attention to the big stuff, as well. For instance, it’s important to have shared values and goals, if you want your relationship to have a future.
As Melody Kiersz, a professional matchmaker with the digital matchmaking service Tawkify has explained, there are certain aspects every couple should look out for, such as not wanting the same things in life, relationship style (monogamous vs. polyamorous), lifestyle choices, or where you want to live.
But what can be done when compatibility is missing from your relationship? Firstly, it’s important to understand that there are no perfect relationships. There will probably be arguments and disagreements once in a while because even happy couples fight. Compatibility has nothing to do with fighting, it’s more about sharing the same values, supporting each other’s dreams, planning a future together, wanting the same things in life, and so on. If you have these, you can consider yourself lucky.
But unfortunately, not everyone is compatible or has perfect chemistry. Read on to discover the 20 early signs you’re completely incompatible with!
1. You have very different schedules
Having different schedules can be a huge problem in a relationship. And don’t get me wrong, we’re not talking about you going to sleep each night at 10 p.m., while your partner is always sleeping after midnight. Because in that situation, you can make it work.
However, when you have totally different schedules, when maybe you’re working during day time and your partner is always on night shifts, or they’re away most weekends for work, it can create major issues in your relationship. After all, it’s very important to spend time together and stay connected, which will be really hard if your schedule does not coincide at all. Even though you can find a way to make things work, matchmakers believe this incompatibility often leads to a breakup.
2. You have a very different sense of humor
Even though it might sound unimportant at first, sense of humor is one of the most important qualities people tend to look at in a potential partner. According to Natalie Smith, a Los Angeles-based matchmaker with Three Day Rule, laughing at the same thing is very important in a relationship. If you have a different sense of humor, chances are the relationship is not going to make it past the dating phase.
3. You have different types of intelligence
As Bergstein has explained, when we talk about intelligence, we think of curiosity to discover new things, interest in learning and improving yourself, becoming a better person, plus the level of education one has or they’re planning to pursue.
“If one partner is motivated by knowledge and actively seeks out opportunities to learn new skills, and their partner is perfectly content with where they are in life and what they know, it can be very hard to relate to each other.” You’ll probably end up being very frustrated after a while because you feel like you have nothing in common, your goals and different, and you don’t have much to talk about either. This situation can leave you wondering if there’s not something better for you, someone with whom you’ll get along, and chances are this relationship is a fail.
4. You express yourselves in very different ways
According to Rémy Boyd, a matchmaker at Tawkify, a relationship between an emotive, sensitive person and an apathetic person will likely fail. Why? Well, the sensitive person will eventually feel like the other person doesn’t care or doesn’t consider their feelings while the apathetic person will feel like keeping up with their partner’s need is way too complicated for them.
5. You have different arguing styles
Even though it might seem hard to believe, but incompatibility can show itself during arguments, as well. For example, if you’re the type that usually shuts down during arguments, but your partner yells and wants to get it all out, you’ll probably find it impossible to get to the root of the problem. As Inayah Vanessa, a matchmaker at Tawkify has explained, these differences will contribute to problems piling up, and will eventually lead to frustration.
6. You have different ideas of how relaxation should look like
As Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston-based matchmaker with Three Day Rule has explained, even though many people do not realize this, but the way someone relaxes or recharges their batteries is very important, especially during weekends.
There are two types of people, based on how someone likes to spend their free time. There are those who prefer to stay at home and relax, and those who prefer to do activities during weekends. Someone who likes to go out and about during weekends, and do all kinds of interesting activities will likely find someone who prefers to stay at home and watch movies a little bit boring for their taste.
In the long run, these differences can cause a lot of problems, and chances are the relationship is not going to last. The one stat prefers to lay in bed all day and watch Netflix will be annoyed that their partner spends too much time outside, and vice versa.
7. You have different levels of emotional intelligence
According to Bergstein, your emotional intelligence also needs to line up if you want your relationship to work. Emotional intelligence can be seen in the way you handle an argument, your listening skills, how you apologize when you’ve made a mistake, and so on. If you can’t find some common ground, you’ll probably not be able to understand the other person, which will eventually lead to a lot of arguments and frustration.
8. You see life in a different way
If you’re an optimist and you always want to see the best in people, it can be very frustrating to date a pessimist, who’s constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Plus, these types of people can drain you and constantly put you in a bad mood. According to Bergstein, it’s important how you handle the not-so-great situations. For instance, if your car breaks down and you see it as a minor inconvenience while your partner has a major breakdown, chances are the relationship will likely fail.
9. You’re incompatible in bed
Being incompatible in bed is a huge deal-breaker for most people because whether we like it or not, sex is a very important part of our lives and we would like to make it as good as possible.
As Smith has explained, if you would love to do it all day long but your partner could go without it for a week without problems, then you might not be as good for each other as you initially thought.
The problem with this is that it’s something you might not notice right away, especially because relationship beginnings can be so flirty and filled with butterflies. However, as the relationship progresses, it might lead to a lot of frustration and the relationship will likely fail.
10. You have different needs in the bedroom
Different needs in the bedroom can cause a lot of frustration in the long term. Someone who likes to keep things simple in the bedroom won’t get along very well with someone who’s constantly looking to try new things.
And it’s very important to not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, just to please your partner. This activity should help you release stress, not contribute to it. Therefore, it’s important that you have an open conversation with your partner and discuss what you’re comfortable with and what is a big no-no for you. Discussing this topic won’t be easy, but it will help you figure out if the relationship can have a future or not.
11. You have different family goals
Having different goals when it comes to starting a family is a huge deal-breaker for a lot of people, and it’s something almost impossible to overcome. In this situation, compromise will unlikely be the solution, since is such a sensitive and important topic.
According to Sophy Singer, a matchmaker at Tawkify, if you cannot wait to get married, start a family, and have children, but your partner doesn’t want this to happen right away, or maybe never, it’s a mistake to think that you can change your beliefs, or ask them to change theirs because they probably never will.
Conversely, if you’ve never seen yourself as parent material, but your partner loves children very much, it’s just not fair to change your beliefs just because you want to be with them because in the end, you’ll be unhappy and you’ll probably blame them for trying to change your mind.
12. You have different ideas when it comes to money
Money can cause a lot of problems in a relationship, especially when couples have different ideas on how to handle them. In fact, many studies have shown that money can be a major source of stress in most adult relationships.
Therefore, it’s totally understandable why an extreme spender will never get along with an extreme saver, at least not in the long run.
According to Michela Hattabaugh, a Chicago-based matchmaker with Three Day Rule, “While a balance of these elements can be good, if someone enjoys spending money and the other aims to save money on everything, the relationship won’t work because it comes down to incompatible values and incompatible sources of joy.”
And even though you’re willing to compromise, chances are it’s still no going to work just because your different views will be too hard to ignore. As Hattabaugh, when it comes to money, it doesn’t even matter how they’re being spent, because one of you will always feel unhappy or unsatisfied.
13. You have different political views
Even though you might feel like politics have nothing to do with relationships, having different views can be a real deal-breaker, according to matchmakers.
According to Amie Leadingham, a master certified relationship coach, “I have seen singles that begin a relationship with plenty of chemistry, but once they start uncovering their political beliefs, the relationship tends to fizzle.” Besides the fact that having different political views can often lead to an argument, it will also make you feel like you have nothing in common and your values are just too different.
14. You have different religious views
As Bergstein has explained, many of her clients do not even want to go on a date with someone that doesn’t share their religion, even though there are also people that do not care about this aspect. However, some people feel like having different religions means having different values, especially when it comes to raising children. That’s exactly why religion could easily contribute to the relationship failing at some point or another.
15. You have different health habits
Your lifestyle says a lot about you, and lifestyle incompatibility can cause a lot of problems in your relationships. Maybe you like to eat as healthy as possible and be active every day, but yur partner is a fast-food fanatic and you can’t manage to get them off the couch.
While no one says you have to be exactly the same and do yoga together every morning then enjoy a green smoothie, it’s still essential that you have similar lifestyles in order for the relationship to work. As Bergstein has explained, very different lifestyles and health habits can make you feel like you’re not on the same page and you have no things in common.
16. You have different eating habits
And the same thing applies to your eating habits. Even though this might seem unimportant, different diets can make a relationship fail. For instance, if you’re vegetarian or vegan, and your partner likes meat more than anything, you probably won’t be on the same page.
17. You have different internal clocks
If you’re someone that likes to be five minutes early everywhere you go, but your partner is always late, Susan Trombetti, a matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking believes the relationship will likely fail. “People tend to think the other person is self-centered,” she added.
18. You have different views when it comes to your alone time
Even though spending time together is essential in a relationship, enjoying some time alone is also key to a healthy relationship. However, some people like to spend more time with their partner than others, and they will likely get upset if their significant other would want to spend some time alone once in a while.
Because even though it’s not about them, they will probably take it personally. But prioritizing your alone time is very important, so you need someone that understands that and doesn’t get jealous every time you want to do something with your friends.
19. You have different texting styles
Yes, texting is also very important since we live in the technological era, where relationships begin on social media. It can be very hard to create a connection with someone early on if you two have totally different texting styles.
Maybe you like to chat all day and send cute texts, while they’re the type that barely looks at their phones throughout the day. As Mallory Love, a matchmaker & COO of Love And Matchmaking has explained, the way you communicate is essential in creating a solid ground for a relationship.
A bad texter will give you the impression that they don’t care, so you will probably decide that there’s someone out there who’s willing to text you back.
20. You have identical personalities
We’ve mentioned above all the things you’re incompatible with, but having too many things in common is also not great for a relationship in long term. According to Kimia Mansoor, a matchmaker at Tawkify, having identical personalities can often be too much of a good thing. Most people believe that they found their soulmate just because they have many things in common with their partner. However, being with someone that has the same personality as you do can make it impossible for you to move forward in life.
You need someone to complete you, not someone who’s exactly like you. After all, balance is key, so try to find someone that makes up for your deficits, and you do the same for theirs.
Check out: Attachment Styles and Their Powerful Role in Adult Relationships.