Being in a relationship has become more and more complicated, especially if you’re looking for something serious. You might want to find your ‘one and only’ so badly that you tend to neglect the red flags or someone’s inappropriate behavior towards you.
But the fact that you’re ignoring them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Your partner’s typical ups and downs might not feel like such a big deal to you right now, but they certainly will feel like that in the future. You might even be lying to yourself that nobody’s perfect when deep down, you know that they’re not good for you.
Read on to discover the 10 signs your partner is not the one!
You two share different values.
While being different is not necessarily a bad thing, not sharing the same values can cause a lot of problems in a relationship, but people seem to ignore this red flag very often. According to Gary Brown, PhD., in order to have a harmonious life together, sharing the same values is a must.
This includes sharing the same values about success, trust, happiness, and even love. As Brown has explained, you need to understand your own limits and figure out what’s non-negotiable for you.
And it’s also worth mentioning the ‘soft wants’ that are usually negotiable, including how you want to decorate your home, where to live, or what car to purchase. If you want your relationship to thrive, it’s important to be on the same page when it comes to the ‘big stuff.’
Your partner is trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors often come from insecurities and trust issues. If your partner doesn’t want you to take care of yourself and look nice just because they fear the fact that other people will notice you, then you have a big problem.
As Brown has explained, it’s important to understand what makes your partner so jealous and controlling. It’s one thing to worry about your partner coming home late at night after going out with their friends, and a whole other thing to forbid them to go without you.
Here’s a book that tells a few things about jealousy among much other psychology stuff.
You’re not a priority to them.
Maybe they’re your number 1 when you’re somewhere on the bottom of their list. You feel like you do a lot of things for them and they never do the same in return. Since we’re living in an era of advanced technology, where we can reach someone in a second via SMS, email, FaceTime, social media, or other forms, it became quite easy to notice when someone is ignoring you.
In this day and age, being connected online is not enough, that’s why it’s important to create some boundaries when it comes to spending time offline as well. When you’re in a relationship, it’s also important to properly divide the amount of time you’re spending between partner, family, friends, work, hobbies, and other priorities.
While you shouldn’t ignore all the other responsibilities just because you want to spend time with your partner, it’s important to see them as a priority. If your partner is making you feel like you’re at the bottom of the list, chances are it’s not going to last.
According to Lynn Zakeri, LCSW, you need to learn how to prioritize your responsibilities without hurting your partner’s feelings. “However, on the other side of this, make sure you are reading the situation correctly. Did you get blown off or are you expecting too much mind-reading of your partner? Did you think you would spend your entire birthday weekend together without vocalizing that prior to the weekend?”
If your partner is not treating you as a priority, you might consider the fact that they might never change, so you need to ask yourself if you’re ok with that, or accept the fact that the relationship doesn’t work.
They blame you for everything.
Being in a relationship with someone who’s always blaming you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship can be very challenging. Additionally, building a strong, long-lasting relationship is almost impossible if your partner doesn’t like to take responsibility for their actions.
This type of behavior sounds something like this: ‘I wouldn’t have broken the vase if you ever cleaned up around the house!’ If your partner blames you for everything and is not even able to take the blame when they obviously did something wrong, chances are they like to be right all the time and this might never change.
A healthy relationship requires good communication. You need to be ok with taking the blame when you did something wrong, and your partner should do the same in return. This red flag will eventually cause a lot of unnecessary fights and frustration, so you really need to ask yourself if it’s worth it.
They’ve lied to you several times.
It’s impossible to trust someone if you’ve caught them in a lie several times. Also, someone who’s lying to you is not respecting nor appreciate you. Most of the time, lies can lead to trust issues, and it will become even harder to make things work.
You also need to acknowledge the fact that they might never change, once a liar always a liar. It’s up to you if you’re willing to accept this behavior or not, but it will be very hard to be happy when you’re living in fear of being lied to again.
Your partner is always on the phone.
Spending time on the phone has become our main activity in this day and age and it definitely helps us from avoiding boredom. However, there are times when you need to put your phone down and enjoy the moment.
You might feel alone or frustrated every time your partner prefers to look at their phone while you’re having dinner, watch a movie or even go out for a walk in the park. If your partner is making you feel this way, it might be because they might feel more connected to the phone than they are with you or even other people, explains Dr. Brown.
In fact, it could be a sign that your partner is a narcissist. “People who are preoccupied with themselves tend to be narcissists in the extreme. It’s all about them. Any compassion they display is likely more designed to make them look good, rather than making you actually feel good,” Brown added.
Most of the time, you’re not on the same page.
You can’t have a healthy, long-lasting relationship if you’re not able to compromise once in a while. But if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, it might be because there’s a communication breakdown happening.
If you just can’t be on the same page no matter the topic or your partner tends to take everything you say the wrong way, the best solution for you would be to seek couples counseling. According to Dr. Brown, most of the time, these relationships are very toxic, and fighting all the time could even lead to abuse and domestic violence in the future.
If your partner is showing signs of abusive behavior in the early stages of a relationship it might be best to just call it quits and move on. Additionally, if they’re calling you names, being sarcastic all the time and even insulting your appearance, then they’re not the one.
Make sure you’re not finding excuses for the way they treat you badly even though they say it as a joke. Moreover, it’s a clear sign of a toxic relationship and you should get out as soon as possible.
They’re not emphatic.
While it’s true that everyone processes emotions in a different manner, you would expect a partner to be there for you when you’re upset. When you’re going through something and your significant other shows no empathy, it might be because they’re too self-absorbed and only care about themselves.
A selfish, self-centered person cannot comfort others, so even when you say something about it, they’ll probably act the same the next time you feel down. Also, it’s very important to understand that men and women process emotions in a very different manners. Men usually try to minimize or hide their emotions.
When men have to deal with other people’s emotions, they try to come up with a solution, even when the other person might want just to be heard. Women, on the other hand, find it way easier to express their emotions, but do not know how to deal with a man being too emotional.
Leaving gender aside, you need to understand that each individual you meet has different personality traits. However, if your partner is never emphatic nor supportive when you’re obviously going through something, it might be best to let them go and move on. You need someone who’s there for you when you’re in need.
They take the stress out on you.
Work stress can contribute to a lot of arguments in a relationship if you’re the type that takes the stress out on your partner. However, no matter how stressed or busy you might be at work, punishing your significant other for it is just not right. If you need someone to talk to about your work problems, it would be more helpful to open up to your partner about how you’re feeling.
At the same time, if your partner had a bad day at work, be a good listener and do not try to solve their problems. Make sure you’re offering advice only if they ask for it, and be prepared to give them space if they need it. However, you shouldn’t be the one who suffers every time your partner has a bad day at work, Zakeri added.
An ideal partner is someone who’s not afraid to speak up in their mind and voice their feelings. It’s ok to talk to your partner about your bad day, it’s also ok to complain a little bit when you’re stressed. If you need some alone time, you could just ask the other person to give you space.
Everyone has bad days once in a while because life can’t be all sunshine and rainbows. The goal is to have a partner that will tell you what they need on those days and someone who’s happy to help you get over it.
Your partner refuses to accept help for their problems.
If your partner is dealing with depression and anxiety and refuses to get help, you’ll be forced to act as a doctor, therapist, partner, and parent all in one, which will eventually be very consuming. As Dr. Drown has explained, if your significant other refuses to get help for their mental issues, these things will eventually affect your future as a couple.
Especially in this day and age, help is available everywhere, you can even book an online session with a therapist and you don’t even have to leave your home. Additionally, it’s important to acknowledge that you have a problem in the first place, even though it won’t be easy.
It’s harder for some people to accept depression because they fear what other people might think. However, if your partner is clearly not well emotionally but they refuse to get help, you might be forced to make a decision about your future as a couple. If your relationship is not going very well for as long as you can remember and your partner still doesn’t want to seek help, you might consider a separation.
Dr. Brown’s ultimate test!
Brown recommends asking yourself if the person you’re now dating would be a good parent in the future, even though you don’t want children. Are they good people with pure hearts? Would they be loyal to you and to your future children? Are they emphatic and kind?
If the answer to all these questions is negative, why keep them in your life? According to Brown, this ‘test’ will help you understand and accept the fact that they are not The One!
Make sure to also check: If Your Partner Is Asking You to Do These 10 Things, He’s Not The One.