Regret 5: “I Wish I’d Lived a Life True to Myself, Not the Life Others Expected of Me.”
This regret encompasses all the others. It is the ultimate sorrow of arriving at the end of your life and realizing that the script you followed was written by someone else—your parents, your spouse, your culture, or society. This can relate to major life choices, like career, where to live, or who to marry. But it also relates to the smaller, everyday choices that define a person: hobbies you never pursued, opinions you never voiced, a personal style you never embraced.
In families, expectations can be powerful and often unspoken. An adult child might become a doctor to fulfill a parent’s dream. A parent might give up a passion to fit the mold of a “perfect” caregiver. A grandparent might hold their tongue about their evolving beliefs to avoid rocking the family boat. When we live to meet others’ expectations, we betray our own inner compass, and this self-betrayal is a heavy burden to carry through life. This is one of the most painful common deathbed regrets.
Aligning Your Actions with Your Values
Living a life true to yourself starts with self-reflection. You have to know what you value before you can live in alignment with it. What truly matters to you, independent of what anyone else thinks? Is it creativity? Adventure? Community? Security? Service? Honesty?
Once you have some clarity on your core values, you can start making small choices that honor them. This isn’t about making drastic, life-altering changes overnight. It’s about small, consistent acts of authenticity. It’s about learning to listen to your inner voice and trusting it.
For parents and grandparents, one of the greatest gifts you can give the next generation is the freedom to be themselves. This means shifting from giving advice to asking questions, and from imposing your expectations to offering unconditional support.
Mini-Example: The “Ask-Before-Advice” Framework for Adult Children
When your adult child is facing a challenge, it’s natural to want to jump in and solve it for them. This can, however, stifle their independence and communicate a lack of trust in their abilities. Try this framework instead:
1. Listen First: Let them share their situation without interrupting. Use reflective listening, which means summarizing what you hear to make sure you understand. “It sounds like you’re feeling really stressed about your new boss and the project deadline.”
2. Show Empathy: Connect with the feeling, not the problem. “That sounds incredibly difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
3. Ask Before Giving Advice: This is the crucial step. Ask a question that empowers them. “How can I best support you right now?” or “Would you like to hear some ideas, or do you just need to vent?” or “What are your thoughts on how to handle it?”
This approach respects their autonomy and helps them build their own problem-solving skills. It allows you to be a supportive presence without taking over, fostering a relationship built on mutual respect rather than expectation. For general guidance on family dynamics, the American Psychological Association (APA) offers valuable resources.
Your Next Step: Take 10 minutes this week for some quiet self-reflection. Ask yourself: “When do I feel most like myself?” and “What is one small thing I could do this week that would feel true to me, even if no one else understood it?” It could be listening to a certain kind of music, taking a walk alone, or starting to read a book on a topic you’ve always been curious about.
