Regret 4: “I Wish I Had Let Myself Be Happier.”
This is a subtle but profound regret. It’s the realization that happiness is often a choice—a choice that many people deny themselves. They stay stuck in familiar patterns, unhealthy relationships, or self-imposed limitations out of fear, guilt, or a sense of obligation. They believe they don’t deserve happiness, or they constantly postpone it, thinking, “I’ll be happy when…” the mortgage is paid, the kids are grown, or they retire.
In a family context, this often manifests as people-pleasing. A person might consistently sacrifice their own needs and desires to keep others happy, leading to deep-seated resentment and a loss of self. This isn’t about healthy compromise; it’s about self-erasure. Letting yourself be happier often requires one of the bravest relationship skills: setting boundaries.
Finding Joy Through Healthy Boundaries
A boundary is a limit you set for yourself to protect your well-being. It’s not about controlling another person’s behavior; it’s about defining what you will and will not accept, and what you will do if that limit is crossed. Boundaries are not walls to keep people out; they are fences that make relationships safer and more respectful for everyone involved. They are a declaration that your happiness and mental health matter.
Setting a boundary requires clarity and follow-through. It involves two parts: stating your need clearly and kindly, and explaining the consequence if the boundary is not respected.
Mini-Example: A Boundary Script for Grandparents and Parents
The Situation: A new parent feels undermined by their own mother, who repeatedly ignores their rules about the baby’s feeding schedule.
The Boundary (The Conversation): “Mom, I love how much you adore the baby, and I’m so grateful for your help. I need to be direct about something. We have a specific feeding schedule from the pediatrician, and it’s really important for us to stick to it. When you give her a bottle off-schedule after we’ve asked you not to, I feel disrespected as a parent.”
The Consequence (Stated Calmly): “I need you to support our decisions. If you’re not able to follow the schedule we’ve set, I won’t be able to leave the baby with you alone for a while. We can still visit together, of course.”
This is difficult but necessary. The goal is not to punish but to protect the relationship and your own well-being. The consequence is a natural outcome of the situation, not a threat. It’s about taking care of yourself so you can continue to be in the relationship in a healthy way. Letting yourself be happier means giving yourself permission to protect your peace.
Safety First: It is critical to note that setting boundaries can be risky in abusive or highly volatile relationships. If you fear for your physical or emotional safety, do not attempt to set a boundary that could escalate the situation. Your priority is to stay safe. Reach out to a professional or a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the U.S. for guidance on safety planning.
Your Next Step: Identify one small area where you feel your energy is being drained in a relationship. What is one small, gentle boundary you could set? It could be as simple as, “I can talk on the phone for 15 minutes, and then I need to go,” or “I’m not available to discuss that topic right now.” Practice saying it out loud to yourself first.
