What to Do When They Push Back
When you start setting boundaries, you are changing the unspoken rules of the family dance. It is normal for your adult child to react. They might express anger, hurt, or confusion. They may try to guilt you, arguing that “a good mother wouldn’t do this,” or give you the silent treatment. This is the critical moment. Their reaction is not a sign that your boundary is wrong; it’s a sign that it is working. It’s having an impact.
Here’s how to navigate the pushback:
1. Don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). When you over-explain your boundary, you open it up for debate. Your boundary is based on your needs, and you do not have to prove its validity. You can state your reason once, clearly and simply. After that, repeated justification just signals that you are unsure of your own decision.
Instead of: “I can’t babysit on Friday because I have my book club, and it’s the only time I see my friends, and my back has been hurting, and I really need some time to myself…”
Try: “I’m not available to babysit on Friday. I’m looking forward to seeing the kids next Tuesday, though.”
2. Empathize with their feeling, but not with the demand. You can validate their emotion without giving in. This shows that you are still connected and that you care about their feelings, even if you are holding firm on your limit.
Script: “I understand that you’re disappointed that I can’t help with the down payment. It makes sense that you feel that way. While my decision stands, I’m here to listen to how you’re feeling about it.”
3. Give it time. Some adult children may react with silence. This can be incredibly painful for a parent. It’s important to distinguish between a temporary cool-down period and a manipulative silent treatment. Give them some space. After a few days or a week, you can send a brief, loving message that re-opens the door for connection without abandoning your boundary.
Script: “Hi, just thinking of you and sending my love. I’m here to talk when you’re ready.” This shows you aren’t punishing them; you’re waiting for them to re-engage on the new, healthier terms.
Remember your reasons. You are doing this to create a sustainable, healthy relationship for the decades to come. The short-term discomfort is an investment in long-term respect and connection.
