Repairing the Relationship After Conflict
Even with the best intentions, conversations can go wrong. Feelings get hurt, voices are raised, and you might walk away feeling disconnected. The key to resilient, healthy relationships isn’t avoiding conflict altogether; it’s getting good at repairing it.
A repair attempt is any action or statement used to de-escalate tension and reconnect after a conflict. It can be as simple as an apology, a moment of shared humor, or a clear statement of intent to fix things. Learning how to make and receive repair attempts is a game-changer for family dynamics.
Worked Mini-Example: A 10-Minute Repair Conversation
Let’s say you and your adult son had a tense phone call where you gave unsolicited advice about his career, and he hung up on you. After you’ve both had time to cool down (at least 30 minutes, but a day is often better), you can initiate a repair.
Step 1: Ask for a brief, focused time to talk.
You call or text: “Hey, can we talk for just 10 minutes about our call yesterday? I’d like to clear the air.” This is called topic scoping—it keeps the conversation from spiraling into every past grievance.
Step 2: Start with your part.
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I want to apologize. I overstepped by giving you advice you didn’t ask for. That was my mistake. I know you are capable and smart, and my comments probably felt like I don’t trust you. I am sorry.”
Step 3: State your feeling and need using an I-statement.
“When you hung up, I felt hurt and cut off. In the future, if I overstep, I would really appreciate it if you could just say, ‘Mom, I’ve got this,’ so we can end the conversation more respectfully.”
Step 4: Listen to their perspective.
He might say, “I’m sorry for hanging up. I was just so frustrated because my boss had said the same thing earlier that day.” This is new information that builds empathy. Practice reflective listening: “So you were already feeling criticized, and my comment just piled on top of that. I can totally understand why you reacted that way.”
Step 5: Agree on a plan for the future.
“Okay, so my plan is to work on asking ‘Do you want my advice, or do you just need me to listen?’ And your plan is to use your words instead of hanging up. Does that feel like a good plan for us?”
This kind of structured conversation can feel formal at first, but it is incredibly effective at resolving conflict and rebuilding trust. It turns a damaging fight into a moment of growth for the relationship.
