Everyone is going to get their feelings hurt from time to time, but here’s how to deal with it!
Hurt feelings tend to occur more frequently than we may initially believe. It can come even from people we least expect or those who we hold the most near and dear.
Let’s take a look at an example.
When I was back in college, a friend used to always make fun of the fact that I had problems with direction.
No matter where we were going, even if I knew the way, this friend would always bring it up, and it was always followed by a “You never know where you’re going.”
While the friend did not mean anything bad with the comment, it made me start to resent all these comments. Since it was not made with bad intentions, I couldn’t bring myself up to them and ask them to stop.
It seemed too small, and while it bothered me, I did not want to seem like I was making it into a bigger thing than it needed to be.
So instead of talking about it, I wrongly let resentment build and build until one day I lost my cool with the friend and snapped.
This is just one example, but it is probably the most common one out there.
Many things could hurt your feelings, and the solution is not to ignore the comments or take jokes that make you feel bad, just to name a couple of things, but rather to confront them head-on and get them out of the way.
To help you diffuse situations and save your feelings from being hurt over and over again, we have come up with a simple three-word saying that is going to help you put an end to these situations!
If you want to see what this saying is and delve into why these types of comments upset us so much, keep on reading!
How do you deal with hurt feelings? Did you ever have to “endure” a lot of unwanted comments? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments.
Why do we find it so hard to admit that our feelings were hurt?
In the end, we are all human, and cutting comments and even some normal ones can end up hurting feelings, if not making people feel “diminished.”.
Psychologists have done lots of research into the psychology behind guilt and shame, and they have uncovered that every time someone says something that affects us, it ends up creating a feeling of hurt.
These hurt feelings are caused by feeling criticized, put down, or rejected by the people making the comments, and the reaction to feeling hurt stems from shame and not so much embarrassment.
Similarly, any comment we or others make that upsets others can increase their feelings of inadequacy and shame. It can even make them buy into the idea that they are inherently flawed.
Once these feelings settle in, anger and conflict can appear in the picture as well. Once people’s feelings are hurt, that’s when people get defensive and even aggressive. It can cause resentment.
While it is a universal experience to have your feelings hurt, people also avoid telling others this happened since they do not want to be perceived as whining or not being able to take a joke while also it is embarrassing to have to admit to being upset.
Most people refuse to accept that someone’s words can have such a big impact on our mood and psyche, but in the end, it is the most human reaction, and you should not be afraid to admit it.
A cutting comment can make you feel “diminished,” says June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University whose research focuses on shame and guilt.
What are some common reactions to hurt feelings?
No matter what, since we are surrounded by people, it is bound that you are going to get your feelings hurt.
However, what you want to put behind you is the way you react and how you deal with the hurt. There are certain patterns that you can recognize in order to deal with your hurt feelings in more natural and less reactive ways.
That way you can both help yourself not be as upset every time someone hurts your feelings, and you can also regulate your reactions to not fall prey to a repetitive and destructive cycle.
Let’s take a look at some of the best ways to deal with hurt feelings.
Recognize the offense for what it is.
When something that seems to be targeted and hurtful happens, think about it for a moment. Ask yourself:
- Was it intentional or unintentional? Could it be a misunderstanding? Did they really mean it that way?
Listen to your heart and mind about it and see what the intention was. Most times your gut reaction can tell you all you need to know about how you perceived the interaction, but in the grand scheme of things.
However, you also need to think about the truth about the reaction; chance may have it that someone else in the past made the same comments, and you’re not reacting to them but rather the accumulation of reactions.
Instead of going with your first instinct, take a moment and choose to react intentionally.
Resist the tendency to defend your position.
When you are feeling attacked, like in the case of someone hurting your feelings, your first reaction will be defensive. You will want to defend yourself, and since you are upset, you may come across as hostile.
If you want to defend your position, make sure you leave the confrontational mindset behind and only stick to your point of view and explain your position.
Be willing to listen to the other person, and then together you can reach a consensus without it having to escalate to a fight.
Respond, don’t react.
Speaking of fighting, you need to make sure you respond and not react. This means that you may need to take a breather and wait a little before you give your two cents about the comment or remark.
This will ensure that you are controlled and that your behavior is not emotional.
While it may sound like there is nothing wrong with being emotional when you are hurt, it is not wrong to be emotional; responding right then and there will make people not want to listen to you and dismiss your feelings as an overreaction.
If you want to be listened to, you need to control your reaction and ensure others take you seriously.
Likewise, if you do not know how to confront people, it is time to introduce the 3-word reply that will work wonders.
The 3-word helpful words that will help you: ‘Help me understand’
It may not sound like it will help, but it can be the best way to handle a joke or comment that has hurt your feelings.
That way, you do not hold the whole responsibility when it comes to dealing with these feelings, and the other person has to explain their reasoning without you needing to put meaning behind it.
Communications experts swear by this reply, and they recommend that the next time you feel like someone’s hurtful and tactless words hit way too close to home, you first have to try to see their point of view.
If you cannot make heads or tails of their reasoning, you can then simply ask them, “Help me understand…” and then continue the sentence with what you need to be explained.
This type of response will also make the other person stop in their tracks and think about what they have said, and they may also realize that what they did was out of line.
In order for this to be as effective as possible, the experts also recommend you take the following steps:
Pause.
In order to avoid the emotional first reaction, you should ensure that you take the time to focus your thoughts.
Ask your friend for help.
Use the 3-word phrase to get the other person to help you, and you two can collaborate on the issue. This way you are coming from a non-confrontational space, and you two can better understand each other.
If your relationship is rooted in mutual respect, then it should not be an issue, and this type of conversation will be easier.
Some of the phrases you can use that can help can be in the same vein as: “Help me understand why you think this is funny.” or in the case of the story I told earlier, “Help me understand why you don’t trust that I know where I’m going.”
This will show the other person that you may be hurt, but you want to work things out.
If you feel like you need more help communicating, then this book may help you get to the place you want to be.
Sometimes managing your feelings can be hard, especially when people aim to hurt your feelings or even when they are not trying to do so, but they still manage to.
However, you need to make sure that you know when people are trying to hurt you, especially if you try to share your life with them. To make sure you are safe, learn how to recognize all the biggest red flags a partner may have here.
