Never do these when comforting someone!
Let’s say a friend is going through a tough time, and you, as the good friend that you are, genuinely want to help. This might seem simple, right? You tell them that “everything happens for a reason” or “just stay positive,” but tossing phrases like these can sometimes do more damage than good.
Comforting someone is not about filling the silence with whatever comes into your mind. When you want to be there for someone, you need to truly listen to them. Sometimes the common phrases people associate with this are not the best.
The truth is, no one wants to hear that “time heals all” when they’re deep in heartbreak, or that “look on the bright side” when they’re going through the worst time of their life. This is not how things work.
So, if you really want to be there for someone, never say the following phrases! Read on and find out all you need to know.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Saying this might seem like a good thing to say when someone is having a hard time, but using this phrase when comforting is not the best idea. For those found on the other side, this will be perceived as invalidating and even cruel.
Let’s imagine that you are talking to someone who has recently lost someone they loved, and you tell them that “everything happens for a reason.” It’s true that there are people who find solace in thinking that every hardship has its purpose, but this is not the case for everyone.
In reality, life is not fair, and bad things can happen to good people, and good things can happen to people who you believe don’t “deserve” them. Saying the above phrase when comforting someone is not fitting, and you should try to be more empathic.
Telling them that you don’t have the right words but you are here with them is so much better, and it shows them that you want to understand what they are going through.
“This will soon be over.”
Ok, when you see a loved one struggling, you might feel like you need to give them hope. Well, this is not necessarily bad, but it is very important to be gentle with your approach. Telling them the above phrase can be rather misleading.
You can’t know for sure how long someone’s hardships might last, and telling them that everything will be over by next month can give them false hope. Problems don’t magically resolve themselves just because we really want that to happen.
Time-based promises are not the way when comforting someone; instead, you can tell them that you know very well that the situation is not the best, but at some point, life might change and things will get better.
This is a better strategy and, in the end, will help them more than tossing empty words around.
“Be strong!”
Telling someone to be strong when they need to put up with the obstacles of life might seem like a good idea. After all, this is a way of encouraging them, right? But when someone is struggling, they are very aware that they need to be strong in order to face all of these challenges.
This phrase can sometimes feel like a dismissal of their feelings and emotions. When someone is sad, depressed, or stressed, it is ok for them to be vulnerable. If you tell them to be strong, it might seem that you say that being vulnerable is not something desirable.
Things can get even more frustrating when this piece of advice comes from someone who is not dealing with something themselves. Just think about it. You and your struggling friend are discussing what happens to them, and you tell them to be strong while you go on with your day unaffected.
“Don’t worry, be happy.”
This is a classic phrase and also one of the worst you can ever use. Yes, Bobby McFerrin made it sound easy, but in reality, struggling with something is not that simple. Tell them this is well-intentioned but completely useless.
When your friend is facing some real challenges, telling them to see the bright side is quite dismissive. Grief, financial stress, or health issues are not things that can be solved with a smile. It sounds like those who are sad are choosing to be unhappy. But emotions don’t work like a light switch.
Instead of this quick-fix attitude, you can assure them that they don’t have to pretend to be happy and tell them that you are here with them. Sometimes not everything can be easily fixed, and this is completely ok.
Even more, you can do something concrete for them and invite them for dinner, buy them a snack, or help them around the house. This might not seem like a big deal, but these small gestures can help more than words.
“Other people are struggling more than you.”
You might think that this is a phrase meant to give them perspective. Indeed, there are probably people who have it worse but in that moment what matters is that they are suffering. What is happening to other people is not the focus. And thinking about this doesn’t solve anything. Even more, this can make things worse really fast.
Imagine that someone is telling you this when you are suffering. What would you think about it? Imagine breaking your arm and being told, “Well, at least you didn’t break both.” This doesn’t make the pain go away. It just makes you feel dismissed.
Helping someone find hope is one thing, and forcing them into a comparison is a totally different thing. When trying to comfort someone, you should acknowledge their feelings. Comparing them to other people just minimizes their feelings, so it is not helpful. A better approach? Say something like, “I know this is really tough for you. I’m here to listen.” This validates their emotions, and you are also not judging them.
People don’t need a reminder of how much worse things could be. They need you to reassure them that they are not alone in all of this. This is what you should be doing.
“This is what you should really do…”
Ok, so you want to help. This is a good sign, but as you can see, comforting someone can be quite tricky sometimes. Saying the wrong things is easier than it might look like, and every little thing matters.
The truth is, not everyone who shares their problems is looking for a solution. Sometimes people just want to vent and know that there is someone there who is listening to them. This means they don’t need advice. They just want to have company while they are navigating hard times.
Telling them that you think they should handle things differently is not wise, and instead, you can say, “I can’t imagine how tough this must be. If you ever want to talk through options, I’m here.”
Also, simply asking, “How can I support you right now?” can also be an amazing idea. You are not assuming that you know what they are going through and only letting them know that right from the start.
Do you want to comfort them but don’t know how? A gift can say more than words: Sleep Well Roll On Essential Oil Anti Stress Calming Aromatherapy Stick Blend Lavender Bergamot
You should also read: 6 Dangerous Types of Narcissists to Stay Away From
