Regret 3: “I Wish I’d Stayed in Touch with My Friends and Family.”
Life gets busy. We move, change jobs, have children, and navigate crises. In the process, even the most important relationships can unintentionally be put on the back burner. This regret is about the slow, silent drift that can happen over years. One day, you realize you haven’t had a real conversation with your sibling in a year, or that a once-cherished friendship has faded into a “like” on social media. People regret losing the comfort and shared history that these long-term bonds provide.
Often, this drift is accelerated by unresolved conflict. A small disagreement festers, pride gets in the way, and no one makes the first move to fix it. Over time, the silence becomes a wall. The fear of an awkward conversation becomes greater than the desire to reconnect. This is where the concept of a “repair attempt” becomes so vital.
Building Bridges with Repair Attempts
A repair attempt is a term from relationship psychology, notably the work of Dr. John Gottman. It refers to any statement or action—silly, serious, or simple—that aims to de-escalate tension and reconnect. It’s a way of saying, “You are more important to me than this disagreement.” Repair attempts are crucial not just for conflicts, but for bridging the distance that time and neglect can create.
A repair attempt doesn’t have to be a grand apology or a deep discussion of the past. It can be a very small, low-risk gesture. The goal is to reopen the lines of communication gently. It’s about reaching out, not forcing a resolution.
Mini-Example: Scripts for a Gentle Repair Attempt
To a Sibling You’ve Drifted From:
“Hey [Name]. I was just thinking about that time we [share a positive, specific memory]. It made me smile. I know it’s been a while, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Hope you’re doing well.” (This is a text or email that requires no immediate response, taking the pressure off.)
To a Friend After a Disagreement:
“Hi [Name]. I’ve been thinking about our last conversation, and I’m sorry for my part in how it went. I miss our friendship. No pressure to talk about it now, but I’m here when you’re ready.” (This acknowledges your role and leaves the door open.)
To an Adult Child After a Tense Visit:
“I feel like things were a little tense between us last weekend. I love you, and our relationship is so important to me. I’d like to understand what was going on for you when you’re open to talking about it.” (This uses an I-statement and invites dialogue without blame.)
It’s important to acknowledge different family norms and cultures. In some families, direct conversation is valued, while in others, a kind action—like dropping off a favorite meal—is the most effective repair attempt. The key is to make a gesture that shows you care and want to reconnect. The psychology behind this is clear: small, consistent efforts are what sustain relationships over a lifetime.
Your Next Step: Think of one person you miss. This week, send them a low-pressure repair attempt. It could be a text with a shared memory, an old photo, or a simple “thinking of you.” Let go of any expectation for the outcome; the goal is the gesture itself.
