Have you ever heard of gaslighting? It’s one of the worst things that could happen in a relationship!
The word “gaslighting” is used so frequently that Merriam-Webster declared it the word of the year in 2022 after experts noticed a 1,740% increase in searches for the term. This word is more and more common, especially since we live in a world of fake news and conspiracy theories, as the company mentioned.
But what does this term mean, and how can it influence your romantic relationship?
Experts define this word as the act of grossly misleading someone, particularly for personal gain. In simpler words, it’s a form of manipulation that undermines someone’s reality, making them feel anxious and self-conscious. Unfortunately, you’re more likely to become exhausted and lose confidence if you’re constantly put under this “treatment”.
For example, if some things aren’t ideal in your relationship and you tell your partner about it, but they quickly respond that you’re wrong or you’re imagining things, it’s a clear sign of gaslighting. No wonder you start doubting yourself and you can’t no longer tell what’s wrong and what’s right.
Where does it come from?
Gaslighting can also be situational; it can happen on a one-time basis, and some individuals blame it on an emotional or heated exchange that went wrong. This term comes from the great 1944 film “Gas Light,” where Gregory (played by Charles Boyer) tries to get his wife Paula (played by Ingrid Bergman) to doubt her own reality. When the wife asks him why the gas lights in the house are flickering, he responds that it is all in her head and nothing actually happens. However, this was only a part of his elaborate scheme of lies, deceit, and misrepresentations.
Gaslighting in relationships is as terrible as it sounds and it can harm the bond you two share. When you’re in a relationship with someone who treats you just like Gregory treated Paula, you can feel confused. Before you start doubting yourself, here’s what you need to know:
1. You’re constantly told that you’re too sensitive
Or you take things personally. You probably heard this many times. I did too, and it doesn’t get any easier. This is a classic gaslighting method and happens the moment you decide to speak your mind and confront your partner with the things that make you unhappy.
As you can imagine, your partner won’t agree with you, so they’ll quickly tell you that you’re overreacting as usual. If you constantly hear this, you’re more likely to repress your feelings out of concern that they’ll tell you again that you’re too dramatic or emotional.
Don’t forget that there’s always a reason why you feel a specific way, and your feelings are legitimate. A relationship is based on mutual trust and understanding, and gaslighting shouldn’t have a place between you two. If you always hear that you’re too sensitive, your SO wants to undermine your emotions. Trust yourself and your intuition, and don’t let anyone change your perception regarding how you feel.
2. You start doubting your own words
Another sign your partner is gaslighting you is this: you start doubting yourself and your affirmations. Your lover might twist conversations or deny things they ACTUALLY said, making you second-guess yourself. In this case, you might begin to wonder, “Did I say that?”. Unfortunately, the goal of this deceptive strategy is to leave you feeling lost and confused.
If you stay in a relationship like this for too long, your self-confidence can be severely harmed over time. Pay attention to how your partner treats you, especially when you touch a sensitive subject. Healthy communication, especially in a romantic relationship, doesn’t involve making the other feel disoriented, unhappy, and confused about their experiences.
…Take this as your sign to reevaluate where things are going, because you might get hurt!
3. You’re always at fault
In a healthy relationship, both partners are responsible for what they say and how they act. But if you’re a constant victim of gaslighting, the blame is always on you, no matter what. Whether it’s a minor conflict, a misunderstanding, or a simple mistake, your partner will turn the situation in their favor, making you feel guilty for everything.
Unfortunately, gaslighting doesn’t stop at these disagreements. In some cases, a manipulative partner could blame their significant other for significant issues, such as the children’s behavior: “If you were a better parent, maybe your son wouldn’t have done that.”
This isn’t a healthy relationship, and it’s emotionally draining. Over time, you might find yourself apologizing for non-your-fault incidents to maintain harmony. If your partner doesn’t do their part and always points the finger at you, you’re manipulated. The first thing to do is recognize this destructive pattern; this is key to understanding if your significant other is gaslighting you. And if the situation doesn’t seem to be in your favor, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself!
4. They constantly criticize you
Gaslighters will constantly try to put you down. Even if they use subtle or more obvious tactics, their goal is to make you feel unworthy. Even though they don’t seem like a big deal, remarks like “You’re so disorganized” or “You always lose things” can eat away at your self-esteem in the long run.
This, of course, can vary from one person to another, but even small yet constant insults can make you question your skills and abilities. In a healthy partnership, constructive criticism is shared with kindness, not used as a weapon to make the other person feel bad.
…Have you ever experienced something like this in your relationship? If you have any tips for us, drop a comment below!
5. They attack the things you value the most
Whether it’s people, things, or values that are important to you, a gaslighter will target them just to undermine your self-worth. They will do so by criticizing your career, parents, siblings, parenting style, and even your outfits or the foods you buy from the grocery store.
By constantly nagging at what matters to you, they weaken your confidence and get control over your emotions. Sadly, this type of gaslighting doesn’t stop with you; these personal attacks can deeply hurt you, and over time, they can even damage your relationships with others. A healthy romantic partnership is all about supporting and lifting each other, not attacking the things someone likes.
6. Their words don’t match their actions
There’s no doubt that a gaslighter’s words won’t match their actions. They might pretend they’re helpful, nice, caring, and considerate, but you know the truth. For instance, they might claim that they always contribute to the household chores, but they don’t even lift a finger.
This discrepancy leads to misunderstandings and causes you to doubt your observations. But that’s not all. A gaslighter might even go so far as to say that you haven’t noticed their efforts, even though they haven’t been carrying out their claims. In a good and healthy relationship, there’s no need for manipulation because both partners share responsibilities equally, and there’s no difference between words and actions.
Can you think of any other signs your partner is gaslighting you? Manipulation is never welcome in a relationship, so we’d love to chat more about this! Speaking of that, if you need help on how to deal with a partner like this, here’s a book that could be helpful. At the end of the day, your happiness and peace are the most important things, so don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and seek professional help if needed.
Take care of yourself and trust the process! Everything will be fine! Until next time, here’s another useful post you don’t want to miss: How to Handle a Narcissist: 10 Practical Tips for Everyday Interactions
