“Why don’t you just calm down?”
Asking someone to calm down is never a good idea. For one, it will have the exact opposite effect. When your partner hears this, they think, ‘I am too much for this person I love, and I can’t share my true emotions with them,'” explains Weigl.
In the long term, it will make the other person build a wall and withdraw behind it, as they will feel neglected and afraid to say what’s on their mind and in their heart.
Instead of telling them to calm down, try to understand what made them feel upset and what you can do about it. This will help you re-establish your connection and bridge the gap between you and your partner, making them feel heard, seen and understood.
“I think it’s best we go our separate ways”
This is something you should never bring up unless you really mean it. If you’re just using it to threaten your partner and manipulate them into doing things your way, stop right now. It’s true that many things can be said in the heat of the argument but bringing up divorce into the equation is never a good idea.
For one you may not mean it, but it’s a message to your partner that they are not wanted anymore. It’s hurtful and disrespectful that you’re not willing to put in more effort into the relationship and into solving the matter at hand. Secondly, your partner might start second-guessing your relationship, and for good reason.
Sheesh! How to deal with people who have no control over their emotions?? Get them out of your life! How distasteful to deal with petty women who are “all about words” and ignore actions.
Sigh—Another one of your distorted diatribes about small minded females and their low testosterone “men”! REAL men will just “LAY DOWN THE LAW” about bitchy pettiness and demand calm discussions wrought with actual thought processes rather than deal with raw impulsive emotions.
MEN—Think with your big heads and avoid these toxic girls/women at all costs!!
Another bit of free advice to chew on from your favorite sage—Feral Tomm.
You are WELCOME!
We could say the same about men that are just not capable of communicating or just don’t wanna talk about things
He’s just one of those bros who thinks when a woman says no it’s a challenge……really pretty gross. He has a salty, misogynist attitude towards women and wonders why they all think he’s a douchecanoe.
It’s very noteworthy that he article doesn’t once say it’s the woman who’s hurt by these phrases
Feral Tomm,
In a lot of the cases it is the man that is like that. How dare you you use your small uneducated sexist brain and jump to the conclusion it is the woman who is the one going after the man.
As a female, I have to agree.
“As a female I have to . . . ” Talk about a stereotypical reply!
Women? Seriously? The article didn’t mention gender but it’s funny how fast you drew this conclusion. Mom was a bit hysterical, right?
Real men? Lay down the law? In which century are you living, man? Did dad backhand mom when she got crazy and yelled at him for not doing anything around the house!? Or how did he “lay down the law”?
I found this article to be very interesting, since I’ve been known to say one or two of these and my partner too.
Tom did actually say “petty” women. Steer clear of Feral Tom. He I men like him gives me the ick.
You appear to be the most realistic and rational person in the comments. I just want to say Kudos!
Realizing your and your partner’s weaknesses and strengths is an important skill to have in a relationship. I wish you and your partner all the best! 👍👏🤔🤶
You’re a jerk.
Must have a tiny one.
You’re a jerk.
Must have a tiny one.
Lol 😂 his comment is an extension of his shortcomings! Awful to blame one side or the other. All have faults I found the article informative and someone who automatically puts blame on the female probably has his own battles!
Hood day!
Well in my experience of marriage of 26 years we’ve both learned to talk to 1 another now my wife did have a habit of wanting to holler every time she spoke but I said I wasn’t going to have a conversation like that an now it’s all good we both have to work at our marriages if not you will end up in a Divorce for sure
U r hysterical. Not n a good way either. Lay down the law 😂 shheeesh
I am a female who uses her head, however your response is resentful. So to you women who have emotions are petty and ridiculous? Everyone has emotions Tomm. In fact your response is extremely emotional and you don’t recognize it. All emotions are not impulsive either. A man can lead his household but the way you put laying down the law isn’t going to get you where you want to go. It’s just going to cause resentment in your partner. You lead a house and a wife with kindness and love. I would highly recommend that you find a Christian woman who recognizes that the man leads because it’s in the word of God. Then read the bible about how a husband and father should treat his family and you will have a great amount of success.
These verbiage are usually (99% of the time) from manipulating and controlling individuals. Majority of the time they are from covert abuser and/or cheating spouses. Talking from experience here… this article should have also been named “How to identify an abuse relationship and infidelity signs”.
From the man who pretends he’s single by choice.
Feral Tomm, I’ll bet you aren’t married, are you?
Wow! Just wow! I am def not an emotional roller coaster of a woman and I tend to be the one surprised when my husband comes to me and tells me I’m hurting our relationship but you my friend, just tried to kick all of us right on back to like the Middle Ages! Let me guess? You’re not married but it’s not because you can’t attract a woman it’s because none measure up to your standards? Ot you are married and your wife is from a foreign country that met while serving in the military, reporting on whatever’s going on where she came from, or you just went to find a wife who won’t know her actual rights and everything in the marriage? You can have a wife like was meant to be? Who is submissive and obedient and will shut her mouth when she’s told? I actually thought your post was a joke at first. I’ve heard men mock men like you and joke about a tense situation. But to actually be serious?
Agree, people need to stop being so sensitive about words, heck I dare say conversations, when did it become “wrong” to have a discussion with your partner and not agree? When did it become wrong to speak your mind as a male? Men and women are very different both mentally and physically, we think and feel different… why is that so hard to understand?
I agree totally. Couples with different ideas makes life more interesting. Compromise is the answer. Everyone should expect to give a little and everyone can be happy. Talk it over and compromise. Its fun and makes everyone happier. No relationship should be controlled by one person. Be open minded and talk it over before proceeding. Its the proper way to keep everyone happy. Enjoy planning a change in your living circumstances. Change is fun and good for the soul. Smile and it all works out. Compromise when necessary and everyone will be happy. 🫠😇👌
I might agree with you to an extent, minus the disrespectful tone. No need for that but it does come with being Feral.
I waited until much older when I made the choice to Marry and have a family with this person I chose and they in turn myself. It’s a risk we both took. She being my younger having faith in my level of maturity and I in her being faithful and capable of coming to a level of maturity that would match mine. Needless to say it is work and something not mean for all men. So it’s ok for you te be feral and untamed and dispense advice like a king at the top of an apex single man mountain. As a partner and devoted spouse you’ll need to make changes that are uncomfortable and sadly go against the desire to put emotions out of it. God only knows how tried I feel at the moment to have run into this article, actually a close friend of mine sent it to me. As a former Marine there isn’t much you can say to hurt my Ego with words or physically, so just take it with a Grain of salt. Your angered response is that if an eternally Feral being. If that’s your end game than so be it, you are winning!
Petty toxicity isn’t just just a women’s thing. I’ve been married to q cnn man for 28 years & he has said every single one of these “get out of an argument” phrases. It works for me because I HATE TO ARGUE! He does it for sport & he can’t stand it when I walk away, stand there & look at him with no expression, agree with everything he says or, my favorite, Go outside to my front porch so the neighbors can hear him! Lol
Shuts him down 99% of the time.
Feb. 28th will be our 29th anniversary. Might as well see how London it takes for him to actually divorce me! 🕊
Wow! Men can be just as petty! How narrow minded to believe it’s just a woman’s thing.
I was thinking the exact same thing…. childish and immature is the thing… the jerks who think ” laying down the law ” are the knuckle draggers that give good men – bad names.
Why wait for him?
Maybe he should realize how lucky he is to have a woman that don’t like to argue.
Spoken like a true misogynist. Gee, I wonder who you voted for? 🤔
I am trying to deal with someone that says he loves me but verbally abuses me and does not see it as much as I pointed out to him. I am on meds for depression, my thing called psycho. I asked him, an avid reader, to read something about depression to help our relationship, he doesn’t feel it’s necessary. The words are louder than the actions this time
Seems like this is all navigating around a woman’s emotions and insecurities. We as men can do better to not make things worse. However men have feelings too. Let’s be honest. If you really want to keep your partner then respect is #1. Both parties showing respect. Not a therapist session telling me what a bad husband I am for not caving in to my wife’s demands. A loving partner will compromise.
These are things men AND women need to stop doing. I’ve caught myself doing many of them. If you feel like the article is only attacking your gender, think about it. Have you said any/all of these and what was your reaction when you heard them from your significant other? I think that all of us are guilty of saying and doing these things, to be honest. Especially in the heat of an argument.
Do you have mommy issues?
You are either single or your wife will divorce you someday … with hope, soon.
Seriously? If you think that any woman these days is going to just lay down and put up with a Neanderthal who “lays down the law” then, I think you had better step into the psychiatric unit because this isn’t that timeliness any more. Women have thoughts, emotions, opinions and even *GASP* rights! If we can’t express to our significant other what is hurting our relationship because we are afraid of our s/o, we can and will simply leave and find someone better. You think that we will never find another like you? That’s kind of the point of us leaving you in the dust, isn’t it, Mr. Misogyny?
please speak to a therapist about your fear and hatred of women.
lol 😂 I needed a good laugh today! Ty
I just wanted to say that male or female we are ALL human & it doesn’t take anything other than that to be toxic… no sides people.. we’re all human trying to function & without toxicity regardless of who or where it comes from. Let’s quit blaming the other sex or person & walk away from the toxic state
So you’re verbally abusive and think women should shut up and take it? Shut the fuck up Tomm. How’s that? Misogynistic ignorance is always a red flag. You are what’s wrong in relationships. Feel sorry for any woman that comes in contact with your sorry ass. I bet you’re one of those right wing MAGA lunatics too. Disgusting.
Men who start any sentence, ever, with “REAL men…” = 🤡
Usually when a woman is very upset it’s for a very good reason it’s a natural reaction to be a bitch if your getting violated taken advantage of or any negativity thrown your way life’s to short to have to deal with someone trying to create chaos and it’s in your space so you will have to deal with it one way or the other without a choice don’t bring garbage into another persons space or you will see a protective cornerd bitch
You aren’t correct. Person with these “qualities” is called controlling narcissist and they come in both genders. Yes, I got one out of my life (as you’re suggesting) after 25 years of being married to HIM. After reading you post, you seem to me as one of those people. Chill!
You mention “long term”; “Here’s what you should stop saying to your partner and how to rephrase and soften what you have to say to make your relationship work in the long term.”
The word of God say’s; “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” Matthew 19:4-6. That is what long term means, commitment, and as for soft words, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1.
As for the rest of instructions for “long term” marriage, see Ephesians 5:22-33.
I’ve heard many Mormons say “I’m sorry you feel that way”. There’s nothing more condescending, dismissive, disrespectful and ignorant than that. I’ve had to correct multiple people who’ve said that over the years, by telling them the facts they need to acknowledge and not brush off.
Don’t care
Unfortunately so many men think with those little heads speak of, is it really any wonder they being brainless to carry
on real conversations.
Think about this. Those quiet girls are so submissive? Keeps your nerves at ease? Well every little thing is being listed, every hurt recorded, all you say and not being disputed with. One day when the girl grows emotionally will hold all that stored crap and it will be a flood and knock you on you smug behind, and when that happens she will most likely walk away and never look back to see if you got the message about your self.
Accepting a person for who THEY are is a two way street, remember that and take a look in a mirror to see if your actually the catch you think you are.
I used to date a woman who always stated “YOU NEVER take me anywhere”. This would be at a restaurant , going to a tourist spot , to even a movie. When it was TIME to leave, I would ask her; “would you like dessert?” , If out of town , I would suggest a time for return to home , it was always “We NEED to talk, because YOU NEVER take me anywhere”.
How about this “person” PHD’s???
What words ?
Find someone you’re compatible with, and someone who likes you. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it.
My girlfriend doesn’t think I’m supportive enough when she’s emotional and wants to spend more time with me than i want even to the point of moving in with her that if we can’t get closer and I can’t be more emotionally supportive it’s a dealbreaker
It takes Big heads and effort to approach conflict with good intentions and cooperation. Feral Tom lashes out with easy pot-shots and hypocrisy when criticizing those who express emotions. Being feral is all about emotion – it’s rage. The point is trying to juggle each parties triggers and negotiate no-mans land accordingly. We are all accumulations of our pasts and that’s alot of stuff to sort through. Why not be courageous, instead of act from that old, blazze’ self-protective mode. Yawn…
It takes Big heads and effort to approach conflict with good intentions and cooperation. Feral Tom lashes out with easy pot-shots and hypocrisy when criticizing those who express emotions. Being feral is all about emotion – it’s rage. The point is trying to juggle each parties triggers and negotiate no-mans land accordingly. We are all accumulations of our pasts and that’s alot of stuff to sort through. Why not be courageous, instead of act from that old, blazze’ self-protective mode. Yawn…
Enjoy reading this article
unable to open the 8 things
Feral Tomm, really feel bad for any woman, or man, who ends up in a “relationship” with you, if anyone could stand you for more than a few minutes.
This is advice for MEN, REAL MEN, who were never taught the art of diplomacy, like yourself, and actually CARE to open non-threatening dialogue with people whose emotions they value and wish to nourish and SAVE their relationships from certain doom.
Bet you don’t talk to your boss that way, or any other REAL MAN!
Prenup before any decent man ever allows a woman on his life and home the paws are all on favor of women and they use them especially when they are discovered to be a fraud! Men, protect your assets ,which a woman shouldn’t have the ability to gain due to your bad attitude when she explores see herself. SAME THINGS APPLY TO Women. lawyers don’t care who pays them. Remember, you better not trust anyone with your life.
Really? You think only women say these things? HA! My husband is the king of these lines. He scored 8/8 😂
Plus, you should never say “If I knew how this would be I would never have married my wife.” Or, “I hate you!”
where the heck is the article??
it’s not here
these articles are sucker bait so that they can put as much advertising in between three or four sentences as possible
I am a women that has been married for over 60 years, I think a lot of this article is true, anytime my husband tells me to calm down, I just want to hit him in the head with a vase or something. It is just a no no especially for a Texas women (smiles) . As you age it will get better , everyone will have their ups and downs in marriage but it is worth it if you both just give and take. Loving each other and being really nice to each other is what it takes. Don’t ever take each other for granted, be as loving as possible all the time.
Thanks, I’m grateful and believe that the information will help me in developing and maintaining a healthy relationship.
It sounds a lot worse than it really is. That’s what my daughter’s ex told her after his girlfriend contacted her and talked all about their two-year affair and that they were getting married. He begged my daughter to give him another chance, and that he didn’t want to leave but she refused, and he was out the door.
I d be interested in reading these articles
Great info, especially I am in a new relationship after several years of not knowing, thus I am guilty but he is very open and friendly. Thus info is very useful to move forward; definitely good to know… thanks a bunch.
Feral Tomm, perhaps it’s the male causing issues…
And/or perhaps one or the other has medical/mental/insecurity issues
Most importantly -under no circumstances does her bum look big in anything!
If you communicate well, a lot of times you’ll avoid an argument. Communicate people!
As a Gay Man, your criticism should also be leveled against Men as well.
It is called “projection” when Men want partners to have values like “Sincerity, Honesty, and Kindness”and then violate these same values by not having them in themselves.
The trouble is since Eve gave the poisoned Apple to Adam, Women have been unfairly paying for” that blood Libel” ever since.
“Feral” is a good name for this incel.
Dear Tomm,
I read this as advice to both partners in a relationship, not just women.
However, I agree that actions speak louder than words. But words can wound and being mindful of how you say things can influence the outcome of any discussion.
The question is “What is your goal?”
“Laying down the law” may not bring you the solution you desire.
Good luck with all that testosterone. Use it wisely.
Sincerely,
Dr. Davis
Could not find the 8 things!! Where are they? Did ont see a link. Or even any discussion
In our Hindu families the wedlock is so precious the relationship is permanent and there is no provision for divorce. We have to adjust to each other’s feelings and continue despite of differences of opinion and other strained feelings.
I agree, but love each other no matter what. Talking communicating is very important. Be considerate, respectful, appreciative and kind! You will have your best soulmate for eternity!
if it were only that simple, sometimes you have to say things that don’t work for your partner, this article is telling one to hold back on your own feelings and expectations and put your partners first, how does that work? If one can cave a discussion with one’s partner in a calm mature way, then why are you together? Seriously if you get bent out of shape because of a “phrase” or a “word” then you most likely didn’t go to elementary, middle or high school and have lived in a box your whole life or believe your feelings are above everyone else’s.
Relationships aren’t always happy, for a good housing and conjugal performance both of the partners should be listen together emphasizing on each matter.
Love and respect is above all small and big thinks in your carrier or live.
The most offensive and painful are the spoken words and the gun bullet which you can not take in back.
Spoke with calm, behave at human level, be explicit and patience, don’t neglected her.
Honestly, the women is superior to the man in most common emotions.
In many cases the argument released by the person involved can be wrong, because he/her is looking for an superior knowledge or advantage, which is wrong.
The both opinions are important with yes or not, maturity / experience, is the essential point.
The word ,,but,, can falling apart all the constructive way of the live, also is necessary to prove that something is not right.
The true is painful and the lie is sweet, and most of the people accept he lie.
For certain categories of the people, lying is a concept of life.
The perfect relations can not be possible achieved because we are humans, not robots.
YES or NOT are the more present word into a discussion, but depend the tonality, behavior sign and visual appearance.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way, is a results of demos, Alfa versus Omega, but Alfa not always prevail.
Is the level of intelligence which decides the natural obedience conscious of inferiority
That’s not something to be upset over, is frequently used whit some emotional impact.
Is like a window blind, in which you accept the negative and unhappy emotions, but reality is different, aggravate the pain and prolong their discomfort. Instead of discounting your partner’s feelings, try asking them to identify what exactly makes them upset.
“I think it’s best we go our separate ways” Unfortunately, many couples go through crisis situations, and their effort to calmly avoid, to discuss and understand the true states and emotions is almost non existent.
The LOVE is primordial., it must touch all the brain synapses and neurons and last but not least the hearth neurites.
The brain and the hearth are inseparable, this is the model we must follow, an extraordinary connection.
You never…”It can be a gesture or attitude in different situations, marital or work relationships, it inspire reproach nd despair, it must be replaced with compassion and emotional help, understanding and empathy.
It is easy to accuse, understand and inspire trust, contribute to the smooth-running of the relationship through respect, devotion and love, looking for the same goals.
..sheesh !?, never do again!, shut your mouth?!, listen to me?, your wrong!, I’m waiting for explanations?,
don’t do it again!?, are inadequate personal calls, that can destroy families and interpersonal relations.
“I’m sorry I hurt you . . . it certainly, wasn’t my intention . . . please, forgive me”!
I liked this article. It’s been over 5 years since being in a relationship, though much of my life I have been. The phrases to soften the impact are solid. Many of the offensive statements are familiar to me; most recent was in a polite disscussion with a potential partner on a fun date. It felt bad to be shut down harshly and I dropped the issue immediately; still, the overall effect was the date was only a fun date, rather than the beginning of a romance. Over a year later we are still “just friends”.
Feral Tomm….. Something tells me you’re single… And neutered and angry about it!
Real men will just lay down the law??? What color is the sky on your planet????
I see not a damn thing so this bites lol
The writer forgot snd left two out:
#9 I want equality, but you need to man up and take things on the chin! How dare you expect me to do the same since I’m a woman!
#10 You should have figured out that I really meant the opposite of what I literally said, but I want a lover that listens good when I say things!
Then, after standing there stunned and speechless from so much mindless dense stupidit…err uh er I mean… in awe of all her abundant wisdom, brilliant logic, and extreme intelligence, I shake my head and massage my temples. Then clear my throat and say – I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s no reason to get upset! 🤣😶🌫️😇
Feral Tomm man your spelling sucks! No I just wanted to ask how’s your relationships these days?
Any woman who would be in a relationship with u would need her head examined!!
What about the men who said I don’t want to deal with any of your(her) problems. After my husband and I were married for just a short few years, he was saying this. When I ended up in the hospital, he hardly visited me. Men are the worst. It’s not the women. We do the most around the and take care of the of the kids. Give us a break.
Gentlemen,
I don’t ever want to hear any woman call me a “Nig ur . I’m a wet back not a “nigur”. I don’t ever want to hear any woman call me stupid. I DO NOT learn things as quickly as the others ,but I’m still very intelligent…..
In discussions such as these, never start a sentence with ‘You.’
‘You always…’ can be just as negative as ‘You never…’
I think if people will stop trying to not hurt people’s feelings, you will wind up with the people that are meant for you in your life. Stop faking and just be real. There are worse things than being alone. Being with someone you have to tiptoe around is probably the worst. Don’t be desperate just be real.
It takes two to tango . Being fast to think and slow to speak is a very good idea. If one has Values , Principals , and Morals . Using or understanding the true meaning of LOVE helps alot when in a relationship. Relate meaning ? Ship what is it ? Is it a vessel ? . What type , and what is the use ? . It takes two people willing to fight not themselves , but the rest of the world . Whatever is thrown at them to make a marriage work . Yes work , becasue it is something you must give it your best to be productive . heck what am I talking about i’m no expert . Been there done that .
How bout dem bears!!!
I just want to point out what everyone seems to be missing. Conversation which is what you are having requires two things. They are speaking and listening. This has to happen on both sides of the conversation. The problem comes from what we say and what we hear. This is where miscommunication comes from. Yes we need to express our feelings, our thoughts because keeping them bottled up doesn’t help us and them.
I just wanted to say that male or female we are ALL human & it doesn’t take anything other than that to be toxic… no sides people.. we’re all human trying to function & without toxicity regardless of who or where it comes from. Let’s quit blaming the other sex or person & walk away from the toxic state