Takeaway
For those who think, “My mother-in-law displays all these signs,” it might sometimes feel like your relationship is on the verge of collapse. But dealing with a toxic mother-in-law is doable.
Whether it’s sitting down with a cup of coffee and putting boundaries in place or seeking help through therapy, you must put your foot down regarding your well-being.
Otherwise, this can have a damaging effect on your marriage and can also impact the mother-son relationship in the process.
Be sure to leave your thoughts with us in the comment section below. And if you found this article interesting, we also recommend checking out: Money Troubles With Your Spouse? Here Are 7 Smart Tips to Avoid Fights
The mother of my grandson is telling my son that I should pay his rent! and when I ask my grandson,going on 17 years old, what he wants me to bring to him he asked me for help to pay his travel ticket to Greece!
Mention mother and grandson keep in touch very rarely, 2to 3 times a year !
Neve” How I’m doing” only when I ask them how are they?
So what should I do? help “financially”
How about a never Happy Birthday Granny?or just a phone call ….
We live a part I in us they and my son in Israel ..I feel the mix like oil and water ,but I didn’t create the mixture, is just what they offer me!
Do they ask you what you want? Do not give them $$$. He can go earn his Greece trip. Sometime you have to step back and see the big picture, are you in it?
It will only continue if you allow it. I feel certain that you know how to establish boundaries and are reasonable. If that doesn’t work for the family, then that’s their problem. It appears to me that they aren’t concerned about your wants and needs. Perhaps it’s time for them to “learn the hard way”.
Children feel so entilted. Tell them to go to hell…I did…
What are the signs of a toxic daughter in law?
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Daily unneeded drama
Pointing out your flaws
Not working on theirs
Blame blame and more blame
Victimization, they’re always one
Belittling/berating son, or his family
Telling the son his family does not care and
Brainwashing son
Love this question, and I was thinking the exact same thing when I read the article
None. The marriage is not the mother-in-laws business. Perhaps she’s a toxic wife…but that’s her husbands problem. Not his mommy’s.
I’d like to know the answer to this question as well.
What are the signs of a toxic daughter-in- law or sister-in-law?
I’d little know that too
My question is the same. My daughter in law has treated me badly since I said I would not babysit my grandson any more because he was such a miserable kid. He was always defiant and mean to the kids he was in lst grade with and once he told me he would like to stab me.
Scary, I won’t babysit him either.
My mother-in-law was like a friend to me. We had good & direct verbal communication and were very respectful to each other. Never had to go though my husband to have her behave well. She was very wise. I called her mom & she addressed me as her dear daughter.
Now, my younger daughter-in law does not call me anything. Our older one calls me aunty-better than nothing. She is quite & submissive, but our son actions are indicative that she is in complete control to keep us at a distance.
One that wants to control her husband so much to the point that my son had to sneak around to call you. They also have a daughter together and she didn’t want to be a step mommy to his daughter from his previous marriage. She actually wanted him to give up his rights to her and walk away. Needless to say they are no longer married³
I would also like to know this as I am almost certain I have one and a toxic in-law family that the daughter-in-law belonged to!
Please help!
Alienation, no response when called. Disrespect
Well, I’m not too sure. That’s tricky because technically the daughter in law is the one coming into the picture. A new-comer. The intention be is to fit in and be accepted by her mother in law. It’s not usual that an outsider (new daughter in law) is the intending malice, since she is just coming into the family. Mother in laws usually have the power to persuade, their sons, daughters and other family members to make it hard on the new comer (daughter in law). What might be mistaken toxic is to a mother in law, is “boundaries”. If daughter in law senses a toxic behavior from the mother in law, then set boundaries, the mother in law might call it “toxic”. Setting boundaries isn’t toxic. It’s a safe place where no one gets hurt. The marriage doesn’t get hurt, the daughter in law, mother in law and even the child/children, that will eventually get in the middle don’t get hurt.
I had to set boundaries with my toxic mother in law. She was very manipulating and cried when she didn’t get her way. I would get so upset because I could clearly see what she was doing the entire time. My husband was married for a short time before I entered the picture. He had a 3 year old Son out of the marriage. The day after my husband and I got married, my MIL was calling us on the phone crying and telling us we needed to take my husbands ex back to court so we could gain custody of his son. Also my MIL would constantly want to know what the ex wife was doing all of the time. She loved hearing about my husbands ex when she was in a failed relationship, which was often. Doted on my husbands ex wife misfortunes. She taught me how not to be with my son’s wives. She was not a good person at all. When she was sick and dying, I felt terrible that I didn’t have compassion for her. Since she has been gone, there has not been drama in the family.
My thoughts exactly!!! I was reading these traits and thinking “that sounds ds like her more than me…”. And they live with us. 🙂
Yes please. And how to navigate its efdwxt on your grandchildren without overstepping said boundries
I have one and she ‘s ruined our small family. Haven’t seen my grandkids in 5 years and I live around d the corner. She treats my son like C__p also. She’s a 💩💩💩just wants money. Glad she’s not getting any of mine and sad my son has to go through life with a wicked witch like her. She is a very messed up woman.
Really!!! Why is it always the Mother in Law? Daughter in laws are far from perfect.
I have one of those!
Nobody on purpose show this sort of “evil” behavior, there are always two parties to a conflict and its never one party’s fault. It appears this article is written by a daughter in law who is not a mother in law yet.
I would have a hard time being financially forthcoming to those who don’t seem to care about me. Have you sent the grandson birthday cards, etc. to try and establish some sort of relationship with him? If you would like to establish a relationship with him, you might want to offer to pay for his trip to Greece and a visit to you as well afterward. If it’s close to his birthday, you can say it’s his birthday gift. If he agrees to come see you afterward and doesn’t (the excuse is irrelevant) you’re off the hook going forward. Also, if you have deep pockets, and you establish a mutually caring relationship with him, you may want to think of how you can help him without removing him of all his responsibilities. Establish limits to your funds up front and be firm. Maybe help pay for his education if his grades are kept up, etc. If his school is in the same place where his parents live, there is no reason he can’t live at home. This reply is full of if’s isn’t it? Sorry, it was unavoidable.
My mother in law lives with me. She yells at her TV, she’s up all night making noise when we have to work the next day, she’s disrespectful. She’s got her days and nights mixed up. My daughter lives with us too and she’s disrespectful to my daughter who is not her bio granddaughter, and I don’t know how to fix it. I take care of her because she is disabled, and I get no respect from her.
She needs to be in assisted living. I am 66, still work in CEO capacity and very healthy. However, I do not ever intend on living with my kids. They didn’t sign up for that. There are plenty of home health agencies as well as senior apartments based on income.
This describes an ex-boyfriend’s mother to a T!
Small wonder that his last 2 ex-wives left because of her.
That and her unbelievable denial, passive-aggressive behavior when confronted.
What can a mother – in – law do when it is the daughter in law displaying most of these symptoms? She has dominated my son to the point that he feels he can’t have anything to do with his mom or other maternal relatives because she is so volatile and unreasonable. He walks on eggshells and is now isolated. It is heartbreaking. I’ve completely humbled myself, apologized for anything I can think of and I’ve received a cut off and the silent treatment. I just want to be in their lives and I’m willing to accept any boundaries, attend counseling, etc. My heart is broken.
I understand. I have 4 daughters in law and I get along pretty well with 2 and very well with one. The other one is a different story. She absolutely dislikes my husband and me for no reason I can see. We don’t interfere, ever go when not invited, never criticize and usually complement, try to be friendly but rebuffed and given the cold shoulder most of the time. She is really good friends with 2 of the other daughter’s in law and those sons, but does not like my oldest and his wife. I did ask the d I law that I am closest to what did I ever do. She said she blames you for things that are not true, things that if her own mother did them, it would be fine. Sh runs the show in their house. My son is so good to her and their kids. He often does it all. She doesn’t stop him and the kids from seeing us but usually has an excuse for her( don’t mind that really). In the very beginning she was fine, but even before the wedding, she completely shut us out. She barely will talk to me except with one word answers. BTW, we get along with her family just fine. There seems to be nothing I can do. It hurts, because I am NOT toxic. I don’t do any of the things listed. I guess I should just resign myself, but it makes me sad.
I understand completely. There is a serious mental problem with women (DILs) that behave like this.
I live in your world and after twenty apologies twenty one won’t make a difference. Why? Because that is how she has always wanted it in her insecure view of herself. She feels she must compete for his love against his love for his mother in her very sick way. Any woman who says she loves her husband but hates his mother is a liar.
You can only wait until your son comes to his senses and leads his wife the way he should have from the beginning.
I feel the same way. There are evil people in this world and my DIL is one of them. I did nothing to her and whatever I did in her psychological unbalanced mind, I apologized. Didn’t matter. You can’t change evil.
Ps I never treated my MIL like that. Never would I ever tear my husband or his (and my)children away from his family.
All of those represents my mother-in-outlaw! My husband has now passed but she feels that she needs to know what’s going on at my house and she watches who comes and who goes! She talks about me and my daughter bad but eats us up to our face! Thanks for sharing these toxic actions because after 40 years of marriage, she still toxic and her son has been gone for 3 years!
I’m sorry you have to experience this! It’s so hurtful.
Well I honestly, and seriously read this article. I have one son he is the oldest of my three children. I try not to meddle with his life, or his his wife, but the two grandchildren I’d love to see more often. So I sit and wait and hope for the invite of lunch maybe, or a visit. I live 45 minutes away from him. I get to see the other six grandkids on a regular basis and even babysit them a lot. Just wish I had the same connection with my other two grandkids my son’s two little ones. I was made well aware when my son and his wife got married that I would be notified when I would be invited to join their company, or when to visit. However, every now and then when I’ve been on their side of town I’ll just pop in. I always get a surprise reaction and asked, “what are you doing here?” To which I’ll reply, “oh I was just over here on this side of town so thought I’d stop by and say hi.” But they always act like I’m intruding so I try not to stay long. Just long enough to play with the kids a little bit. I know my son doesn’t mind, but he gets all nervous and awkward acting and will announce, “oh my mom is here.” And I can just tell that I am not to stay long. They’ll start telling me, well they had plans and that they were just going to head out, and glad I stopped by and that they’ll see me later. Okay. I get it. Time to go. Any way. Just wondering about what if it’s the other way around?
My in laws stopped in 2-4 times a weekend for the first 7 years of our marriage. It was awful! We both work full time and spent our weekends doing food shopping, cooking, cleaning, entertaining friends, yard work, laundry, etc when our kids were little. So, to have them stop in while we were in the middle of things and have them expect us to entertain them and feed them put a real strain on our marriage to the point we almost moved and almost divorced. Stopping in is considered very rude to everyone I have talked with, so I don’t know why people do this rude behavior. It shows lack of boundaries and respect for other people’s time. Stopping in and expecting them to drop everything because it’s convenient for you is rude. Instead try offering to babysit the kids so they can have a date night. That would be greatly appreciated vs rude behavior/lack of boundaries.
My personal opinion for you and all who have made comments is that you have to be the strong one and somehow communicate with her, both express your feelings about your relationship and your needs particularly if you’re a grandmother.
I’m strong. Whatever I say to my son (haven’t talked to her in years), she makes life difficult for him. So I have a no contact barrier lol lol
I DIL that alienates the grandparents. One that doesn’t respond to calls and/or text. One that has total disregard for the grandparents.
This IS my Narcisstic Mom and these items apply to me.
My mother-in-law is wonderful. Last year she bought me a new BMW…and one for my oldest son. We visit every week or so and she has a wonderful dinner made for the family. We offer to clean the kitchen but she insists that she do it after we leave.
I feel that she is my best friend and am worried that she will be hurt when my husband and I complete our divorce next month. Any recommendations?
My son’s girlfriend is very sweet. HER mother is a problem, as well as my son. They are both putting his gf in the middle of THEIR issues with each other! It’s not fair to this young girl & I have no clue how to help anyone through this. TBH, I’m more worried that she will be the one who gets truly hurt.
I have a toxic daughter-in-law. She lies and manipulates. She talks badly about other family members and has damaged our son’s relationships with his siblings. None of his siblings or their spouses like or trust her. She is extremely competitive. She plays the victim at the drop of a hat anytime it is to her advantage. She is opinionated and arrogant. Status and appearance are significantly important to her and while her family is acceptable our son’s family (we) are not good enough. The list goes on and on. She ignores all the females in the family and flirts with the males. She does not acknowledge me as a person and has frequently sat with her back to me when seated next to me in a public setting and will only talk to me if I ask her questions. She will not make eye contact. Her behavior toward and around us is awful and she has intentionally destroyed our family (telling him he may have to choose between us and her which is something we would never ask him to do). There is no grace nor forgiveness in her relationship with us. She is constantly looking for and accusing us of doing things wrong. She brings tension and drama to everything. It’s terrible. Someone please write about a toxic daughter-in-law or son-in-law! We live in a time where there is a serious problem there as well.
My husband’s mother has lived with us for the past 4 1/2 years. It’s been a struggle, especially for me. She has stabbed me in the back so many times, which is why I didn’t want to live with her. It only got worse when she moved in with us. She’s done nothing but lie to my husband about things I never said or did. The bigger problem is my husband doesn’t have my back. She’s even trash talked me to my church family. I am close to walking out and letting them live happily ever after.
You summed up my DIL.
My ex daughterinlaw used to live in the area that I do, she and my tw o granddaughters have moved about 45 min. Away tone closer to her mother. This happened in July and I have tried to stay in touch with her and my one granddaughter. I have sent mess via phone I may have gotten 2 mess. Back both from my granddaughter one to give me her address at Christmas and the 2nd to tell me in 2 words she got the card and the money, have not heard from her since. It upsets me that she does not talk to me but I am not going to keep trying to stay in touch.
I just read this and I identified with one of the so called toxic traits. The one that says she worries about her image and she always wants to look good.
I’ve always cared about my looks, I love to dress up and put make up. I love jewelry and all the girly stuff. My daughter in law on the other hand is very simple. She’s beautiful without make up and she dresses nice for work so when we go out, she’s always wearing jeans.
I really don’t care about how she looks. I’ve always been this way. I don’t understand how that makes me toxic. That’s just the way I am.