Are you an emotional masochist? These signs say yes!
Even though whips and chains might instantly spring to mind when you hear the word “masochist,” emotional masochism is distinct from s*xual masochism. While there might be some similarities between s*xual and emotional masochism, they shouldn’t be confused as they’re two very different phenomena.
Let’s take a few moments to explain both of these terms, so you can have a clear basis for what we’ll be talking about next. A person who is a masochist in bed feels excited and ready for action when they are made to suffer through physical violence and even humiliation. However, an emotional masochist frequently finds solace in difficult relationships. They might act in this way due to a background of trauma or because they don’t believe they deserve any better.
Moreover, an emotional masochist will frequently go back to those who did them wrong and caused them a lot of pain. This can lead to difficulties when setting boundaries, and it takes a lot of time to form healthy relationships. If you suspect that you might be an emotional masochist, these are the signs you should be looking for:
1. You love drama
If there’s not enough drama in your life, you make it your mission to create it. Without excitement or conflict to keep your adrenaline flowing, you might discover that you feel lifeless on the inside. You don’t realize how that bad energy affects your life and your attitude throughout the day.
2. You go back to the people who hurt you
Maybe it’s because you already know them and it’s easy; you might be hoping that they will treat you better, or in some extreme cases, your subconscious mind doesn’t think you deserve better. Experts say that emotional masochists who constantly go back to people who hurt them are more likely to play on their old childhood wounds in the current time.
Even though it’s hard to recognize the patterns, it’s important to acknowledge the fact that you keep going back to that same person, and you risk getting hurt all over again. Set some boundaries and allow yourself time to heal. It will make a huge difference!
3. You always criticize yourself
You spend a lot of time talking cruelly to yourself, whether it’s because you had an abusive parent growing up, teachers who weren’t nice to you, or an unkind lover. You might be used to someone constantly criticizing you; you don’t even notice you do that to yourself. Or maybe you think it’s normal.
If you notice this behavior, it might be a good idea to seek therapy. Don’t wait for things to be easy or until you feel you deserve it—just go for it! Taking action now, even when things are tough, builds your confidence and resilience. You deserve to pursue your dreams and goals, not because things are perfect, but because you’re willing to try. Embrace the journey and trust in your ability to grow along the way.
4. You attract toxic people
Another hint that you might be an emotional masochist? You’re surrounded by cruel or violent family members, love partners, or friends. The common denominator is you. Maybe something from your past makes you feel at ease with this, or maybe your low self-esteem makes you believe that’s all you deserve. Remember: in the end, we get to choose who we spend our time with, and these people can influence your mindset, attitude, goals, and even your overall life.
5. You feel alright hanging out with sad people
Unfortunately, the old saying “Misery loves company” is always a part of your life. Spending time with unhappy people and constantly focusing on the negative can be draining and isn’t the same as supporting a friend in crisis. While it’s important to be there for loved ones when they need us, it’s also essential to set boundaries and protect your own well-being.
Surround yourself with positivity and balance the energy you give with what you need to thrive. Always hanging out with people who have a victim’s mentality, saying that everything bad happens to them, will turn you into a negative person too, so be careful.
6. Healthy relationships are strange to you
We’ve previously talked about how an emotional masochist is always looking for drama. Now we’ll go more in-depth and try to understand how this trait shows up in relationships. You don’t know how healthy dynamics are because you’re used to the ups and downs that give you adrenaline and butterflies in your stomach.
If you’re on a date with someone who isn’t a negativist, who can’t be bothered by drama or gossip, or who isn’t arrogant, for instance, you’re more likely to be bored. You’ll think that person isn’t interested. While you might say getting bored is a red flag, it is actually a green one.
Feeling bored means you don’t get the ups and downs of a relationship, you’re not on the verge of getting hurt. You’re addicted to that adrenaline, to that quick validation that a toxic relationship can give to you when something goes your way. The worst part is that you might end a healthy relationship just because you don’t know how to be in one yet.
7. You seek approval from the wrong people
Sadly, an emotional masochist is more likely to seek validation from people who are not going to give it to them. Since you know someone doesn’t give you the approval you need, you can’t help but constantly ask for it.
But you only hurt yourself by continuing with this behavior. It hurts to let go and accept that someone doesn’t want to give you that much-needed validation. And when you finally let go of this, you’ll understand that the only validation and reassurance that matters is the one you give yourself.
8. You fight and then go straight between the sheets
If someone doesn’t argue with you, it can be difficult for you to know they care. You can feel close to your spouse and have passionate bedroom time when you experience the highs and lows of conflict. Communicating about your problems is far less comfortable for you than getting angry and having a crazy time in the bedroom. You crave that quick validation and you need to blow off steam, but you neglect healthy ways to keep the spark alive.
9. You allow people to walk all over you
You expect people to hurt you, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You struggle with setting boundaries, so you often let others walk all over you. As a people-pleaser, you go along with what others want, even if it harms you in the end.
When you meet someone new, you’re eager to get to know them and might change aspects of yourself just to ensure you get along. This people-pleaser behavior signals to others that you’ll do anything to keep them around. Set some boundaries and be more selective about who you allow into your space.
10. You sabotage your own happiness
The final obvious clue to an emotional masochist? You make decisions that result in your own failures or unhappiness. You frequently find yourself in a vicious cycle of self-defeating behavior, and you never hold yourself accountable.
For instance, suppose you want to move to a different part of the world because you can’t stand the place you’re in. You hate the city; you don’t like your neighbors; you don’t even like your home. You know that moving is going to be hard and expensive, and the entire experience might be stressful and painful too. However, being where you currently are is also painful, but instead of choosing the right pain, you prefer to stay where you are, even if it makes you unhappy.
If any of these signs of an emotional masochist apply to you, I strongly recommend you seek professional help. However, if you want to start slowly and prefer to do things your way, here’s an amazing book that will help you understand yourself better. I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and before I went to therapy, I read this book, and I felt like I could understand myself better. Check it out; it might be helpful!
Do you know any other signs of an emotional masochist? Let us know in the comments below! And if you have any tips or requests for us, feel free to share! Until next time, here’s another great post for you: Watch Out! 8 Shocking Habits That Fake People Share
