Emotionally Immature parents can leave deep scars
Go back in time and try to think about your parents. How were they? Most of the time, we remember them as caring and loving, but sometimes this is not the exact reality.
Most parents mean well for their kids, but many times, they don’t know how to handle their emotions. This is the definition of someone who is emotionally immature. When this happens, the scars left on the kids can be everlasting, and this can lead to even more emotionally immature adults.
Parents who weren’t emotionally mature could have been selfish, shut down during hard talks, or made everything about themselves. They may not have cared about how you felt, been too harsh, or thought you should have taken care of their feelings. You’re not the only one who feels this way, and it’s not your fault.
Why is this important? Understanding emotional immaturity can help you make sense of confusing childhood experiences. It can also help you break unhealthy patterns and build better relationships with everyone in your life.
Here are some common signs that your parents may have been emotionally immature and, more importantly, how you can begin to heal from it.
Your needs were always in second place
If your parents were emotionally immature, you could have felt like your needs didn’t matter a lot. Maybe they weren’t giving you love, attention, and support. Instead, they focused mainly on their needs. Even more, there is a high chance they were expecting you to always obey their instructions without question or do things that made them feel better, even if it made you feel tiny or like you weren’t there.
This can be hard to understand as a kid. This is not your fault. You could have worked extremely hard to make them happy, believing they would notice or care more about how you felt. But most of the time, this is not the case. This is their problem, and you can’t do anything about it other than try to heal yourself.
When a parent always puts their own needs first, it might make you feel like you’re not good enough or that you’re not safe. You may have thought that in order to get affection or attention, you had to be flawless or take care of their feelings.
This kind of experience can carry into adulthood. Most of the time, this will happen. During your adulthood, you might find it hard to express your needs, set boundaries, or feel like you deserve care and respect. Recognizing this pattern is the most important step. Healing starts by learning to prioritize yourself now, just like you always deserved back then.
You have no emotional autonomy
Emotionally immature parents often raise emotionally immature children. This is a vicious circle, and the most important thing is to learn how to break the cycle. You might discover that you struggle with emotional autonomy.
When you are emotionally autonomous, you are able to feel, think, and make choices for yourself without guilt or fear. Unfortunately, if your parents saw you as an extension of themselves, they may not have respected your boundaries. They may have expected you to think and feel exactly like them.
For example, each time you tried to express a different opinion or emotion, they might have judged you, ignored you, or even punished you. Over time, this can make you feel like your thoughts and feelings aren’t valid.
Lacking emotional autonomy can make relationships and everyday decisions harder. You may worry too much about what others think or feel pressured to please people at your own expense.
What you need to remember is that your feelings matter and that you have the right to your own thoughts, emotions, and choices.
You are emotionally lonely
If you were raised by emotionally immature parents, there is a higher chance that you are now feeling emotionally lonely. Maybe you had food to eat, a roof over your head, and clothes to wear. But when it came to your feelings, it felt like no one was really there for you. Your physical needs and your emotional needs are both essential, but they are not the same thing. Older parents tend to lean toward the side that struggles to understand this.
Emotionally immature parents often struggle to be warm, comforting, or open when their child is upset. This can translate as them ignoring your emotions, or they are always trying to change your subject or acting uncomfortable when you express sadness, fear, or anger. Some may even tell you to “stop being dramatic” or “get over it,” making you feel like your emotions were wrong or too much.
Unfortunately, this can lead to emotional loneliness. You may have felt like you had to deal with everything on your own. As an adult, you will feel like no one truly understands or supports you emotionally.
Your parents showed extreme emotions
Do you remember a specific time when you were scared by the way your parents reacted to something? For example, sudden anger or frustration that felt way too big for the situation. Maybe they’ve yelled at you for getting a bad grade or acted really upset when you didn’t do exactly what they wanted. These times may have been puzzling or even alarming, especially if they happened out of the blue.
These parents don’t like to expose their genuine weaknesses, yet they often let out intense feelings in undesirable ways. Instead of quietly saying they were wounded or scared, they got angry and acted accordingly.
Hopefully, you need to know that these outbursts weren’t always about you. This anger was more about how they were not able to control their own feelings. Their fury was like a pressure valve letting off steam; it wasn’t a realistic representation of what was truly going on inside them.
Conversations are one-sided
Sometimes, when you are talking to your emotionally immature, you can feel like you are talking alone. You might remember conversations that didn’t really feel like conversations at all. Maybe you’ve tried to share your feelings with them, and all you’ve gotten in return was them acting like it wasn’t important or, worse, ignoring you completely.
Emotionally immature parents often focus mostly on their own needs. How is this manifested, you might wonder? For example, they may complain a lot about their problems or talk about the same issues over and over again without asking how you’re doing. Maybe you try to speak, and they simply interrupt you or suddenly change the subject.
Over time, this can teach you that your voice doesn’t count or that your feelings aren’t important. You could still have trouble with this today. Maybe it’s hard for you to talk to others, or you feel like no one truly listens. But understanding this pattern is a big step forward. You may learn how to set limits, make your relationships better, and be among people who really care about what you have to say.
Do you want to learn more about this topic? This book is an amazing start: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
You should also read more about: 5 Signs Social Media is Harming Your Mental Health
