Becoming a grandparent is an important part of the lives of many seniors. Spending time with the grandkids and caring for them can bring many people a lot of joy. But if this is the first time you have been a grandparent, there are probably many things you don’t know. Being a grandparent is different from being a parent. And there is no guide for that.
But even if there is no book that can teach you how to be the best for your grandkids, we are here to help you a little bit. Today we are going to focus on what you should never do as a grandparent. There are many mistakes out there, but these ones are the worst, and many of us make them without realizing it.
Read on and find out what the biggest don’ts are when grandparenting.
140 Responses
Is author of this article a grandparent? It’s funny one often gets advice from people with an opinion but not first hand experience. Tips are accurate but an article on the flip side for parents to note about expectations from their parents caring for their children. Grandparents are occasionally taken for granted.
Agree!! And I’m a grandmother of 9- from 18 to one year old twins.
We should all write an article on how grandparents should be treated…
The holidays especially. I’ve never been so tired and after shopping, cooking, serving and cleaning up- hearing all the “I don’t like this or that” I’m feeling a bit like an unpaid servant whose soul purpose is to give them whatever they want. Not a good lesson in how to have successful relationships in life.
Tell them you can’t do it anymore—you don’t have the money or the strength. They can do it or you can all go out.
I agree. The time does come for G’ma to enjoy the day without wearing out to create it. I can’t do it anymore either. I’m tired, tired, tired.
Ask Family member to each bring a dish,
Get together and make a list of what food each person is going to bring.
Use the pretty holiday paper plates that will cut down on the dishes.
I truly know the feeling I’m getting older and to tired to do it all by myself now every year that’s what we do, it makes it a lot easier.
Also the young Adults can start doing the cooking and you go to their houses for the holidays
Hi, my name is Elizabeth. I was reading your comment and I would like to share my thoughts and a beautiful grandparenting for 10 years. I race 3 kids on my own, I did have to work very hard to provide for my kids, I also attended college full time. However when I was racing my kids, I was strict with them but, I was also far, firm and consistent, I did my best to teach my kids how to learn and do for themselves and I seceded. I have 2 boys and a girl, she is the mother of my 3 grandchildren. I have been very clear with her since before she became a mother. I did finished racing, taking care of my children. I don’t intend to stop living my life, to be no one’s babysitter. I would help you when I can, if you have an emergency or when I asked you to drop my babies at my home. I do love them, spoil them, cook for them, play with them, ect ,ect. However my only condition was that if they as parents were not going to give me the green light to discipline my grandchildren when it was needed, I was not going to help them at all. I been teaching my grandchildren to eat what I cooked, I always tell everyone my house is not a restaurant, I cook, you eat. They are wonderful about that, they pick up after themselves, they help around the house and also the yard. It is very important to set your rules to our kids, before they have any kids, so they can understand that we also have a personal life. I don’t allow my daughter to give me orders or instructions after all I am the one with the experience right. I have a beautiful relationship with my daughter and an amazing understanding about what is the difference between being a mom and a grandmother. I hope your situation changes but you really need to set your rules. Don’t let anyone to run and ruin your life. Even if they get apset and blackmail you with your grandchildren. ” im not going to let you see my kids” or thi gs like that. You need to enjoy your grandchildren not raised them. Good luck. A super happy grandmother 👵
You are so right. I too told my children when they were teenagers that I wasn’t going to be a babysitter for them wheniretire from work and that I was only available for emergency purposes. And I too don’t have that problem with my children and grandchildren. Make this known when your children are growing up so they know what to expect of their parents as they become parents themselves. That is not a mistake I would want to live with cause we still have a life after raising our children not our grandchildren. I even have grandchildren with children and it’s not a problem here cause I taught my children this when they were growing up .
I told my kids I will sit if you are working….. if it’s for you to go have fun you need to pay me 😁 works out fine
You’re very lucky to have that kind of relationship with your children. We are not allowed to see our grandbabies or daughter! Her husband has been working on her and telling her that we were not good parents! Do parents who are not good pay for their first 2 babies because she was still on our health insurance? He’s done a number on her and I can’t wait for her to open her eyes and see what he did to her family.
Same here only its my son who is the narcissist because he wants to please his girlfriend. She goes with the flow of it all to the point that I can never see my grands.
Just keep praying for your daughter!
I’ve been told by both my adult children that sometimes they just want to vent and be listen to and not lectured. It’s hard to not your tough when you’ve been there done that ! They need to learn on their own. And not tell the “I told you” you should listen to me….. so I’ve learned to listen and not give my opinion unless asked for. So far so good
I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, estrangements like this are epidemic, and not just in the US. The Wall Street Journal recently had an article on estrangement between parents and adult children, and the sources consulted for the piece estimated that over 25 percent of families are dealing with this type of estrangement. You may want to consult a therapist to help you navigate this problem. You are not alone at all.
We can’t se our grandchildren either. We don’t know where they live or contact information. My daughter in law hates me but I am one of the nicest persons she will ever meet. I don’t get it, it is sad.
I’m sorry for your pain of this that has happened. Plz pray to God, Jesus & even St Anthony to help your daughter find her way back to you! It’s already been too much time that has passed. Can you appeal to her maternal instincts to get her to see she needs you and your grands need you! Sending hugs, Donna H in Long Island
I needed to read this. Thank you so much.
100 o/o True. I totally agree. I only have 1 age 7 🤣😍🙏🏽💯
Omg you are so wise….
Sage wisdom! What you’ve done is established boundaries. So important for creating independent relationships and respect. Thanks for your comments.
I love this, resonates with me exactly
She means raise, not race.She raised her kids well…
wise advice!
Good morning Elizabeth Q, I am also a mother of 2 girls 1 boy i raised my 3 children as a single parent and worked my tail off to keep a roof over they head , food on the table, clothes on their backs, and entertainment when it was earned, you feel me. I have 5 grandsons ages 17yrs, 5yrs, 2 years, 5years, 1 year. The 2 5 yrs are cousins, So now I only sees 2 of my grandkids 5 yrs and 1 year, due to I had to put out my disrespectful daughter so now I can’t see my 2 grands sons. I’m just a grandmother whom deserves and demands Respect. My 17yr old grandson I haven’t seen him since he was 8 yrs old thanks to my dumb son allow the mother to just take him and no contact info. Well I’m just a grandmother. Now the 2 grandsons 5yrs and 1 yr I see on a regular and i discipline them like I’m the mother I don’t spoil or baby them and see them when I want to see them. And I teach their mother about discipline even the 1 year old I put him on time out also I put him on the recliner for 5 min and pushes it back so he can’t slide down. 😀 but yea being a grandmother is a blessing and beautiful but demand your respect. Live your life and spend your hard working money on what you want to buy . 😁 kid kids free . Have a Blessed week 🙏 ✨️
AGREE from one Grammy to another 🥰
GOOD FOR YOU!!! 😉
I agree! My son and daughter were dressing themselves by age 5/6 bc. Also had to get myself ready. I’d lay the clothes out have table set dry for breakfast. My son knew how to use the microwave NOW my daughter did the complete opposite when she had her son ….. he is 11 doesn’t know how to use the microwave nor how to feed himself only snacks until someone makes him food. I do and will cook for him when he asks me too. My house grandma rules his house mommy rules …..none 😏
I strongly agree 👍
My goodness, if you raise your children like you spell, did they graduate high school
You got that right. Boundaries, rules and respect. Consequences for actions all done in love. God Bless you
Then you did a exemplary job of raising your children and now you have grandchildren to be a grandma to, Well done !
Very well put, although every single scenario is different. I will not go into raising my two sons by myself. And being a major part of their life. Mostly what I can say is every scenario is different. My wife and I provide for our grandson four year old Noah to the fullest extent of his needs. He has a room at our house plenty of toys animals that love him. I was very respectful. However, he comes from very young parents, and his father and mother are split up. His mother in great grandmother have custody of him, but are always willing to share his love with us. Teaching him to be a good human is the goal.
Have a great day the Gregorys
Our daughter comes form the middle east each year in early June and stays until August with her 6 and 2 year olds. Her husband usually comes for about a month. We have 2 cars and two SUV’s and they put the child seats in one SUV and often use one of the cars if they are going different places, him to see his friends, her to see hers. We love having them but the extra laundry, kitchen clean up, cooking, toy clean up, cooking, etc, (2 yr old does not do restaurants well). We have decided to get part time help next summer and they will pay half.
good plan!
Let them know. Don’t hold it in. And if I cook, I tell them don’t leave my kitchen dirty. Why hold back?
Are you living my life. I also have 9 grandkids 20 to 4. And what you said is exactly what happens every year
Totally agree. How about a guide for parents on how to have respect for their parents and not use and take them for granted?
And not to weaponize and use the grandchildren as weapons if you get upset with the grandparent. This happens a lot too and it emotionally damages the grandchildren
Amen
Amen to that… I’m tired and hurt of the financial and emotional abuse.
The same for us, we have 4 kids 15 grandkids and 1 great grandchildren.
Interesting how we would end up talking about considering grandparents experience and, or feelings when the article was spot on advice, written with no bias; and was about responsibility to a fragile child. Hopefully all grandparents are mature enough, and principled enough to take advantage of such a well written reminder of what we can do to be our best selves.
And a Happy New Year to You all.
Yes we are sometimes taken for granted. Especially when it comes to babysitting. We have a life too!!!
Exactly
I agree wholeheartedly!!!! I live with my daughter her husband and three grandchildren not to mention 2 dogs. I’m expected to do housework, homework, bathing, housework, babysitting, give the dogs their medicine and countless other things. I’m seldom asked to do the things they’re just expected they’ll leave and just figure I have nothing or nowhere to go and leave without saying can you please watch the kids or can you do me a favor, and very very seldom a thank you. It’s extremely hard being a live-in grandmother. I often feel taken advantage of under appreciated and it’s very sad. After you’ve been a full time parent on your own you just want to be enjoying sometime with your grandkids not all the time. I’m hoping to move soon and then I’ll be able to truly enjoy grandparenting at my own speed, maybe then and only then will they be able to appreciate what they had versus what they’ll now have. Sorry for venting
Hurry up and leave before you lose the relationship with with your daughter/son.
I understand completely. Don’t be sorry. We always desire to “help/assist” with Grandchildren. Unfortunately, all too often we hear, “it’s your “job” as a Grandparent to always be available and do whatever we need you to do.” Not true. I believe good grandparenting should have boundaries. We are a “bonus blessing” and should be treated as such. We have already raised our families, and if there are any Grandparents out there such as our family, who were military, and moved a great deal, and had parents who were mostly disinterested in grandparenting, any help/assistance was a “luxury” which we highly valued. Boundaries and appreciation is paramount. Blessings ❤️
Moving is a good idea. They may be expecting you to do the work if you are residing there on their dime. Parents living with parents is a stressful situation whether they use you or not.
I understand completely.
I also understand the parents that are overwhelmed.
Every one needs to think about their actions and how they convey them to each other. Words are ways of softening the needed actions.
I personally think asking and thanking is a necessary action.
I also feel grandparents should have more fun with their grandchildren than being used for events where the grandparent is there by themselves to do all the work required to watch over a child/children over an 8 hour period or more; it just doesn’t allow much needed energy to enjoy the child or children.
I hear you.
I think it is time for you to plan a trip and go somewhere. At least 2 weeks! I am sure after 2 weeks they will notice what you do for them.
It doesn’t seem like the author is a parent or grandparent, but who knows.
Rule #1. Don’t tell Grandparents what to do.
Rule #2. Same as Rule #1
LOL.
Agree I am called G dad by my only granddaughter who is now 22 college grad in December from Pitt as an infant she calls me Gdad which make me feel young.now I was a single parent with her mom at the age of 18 months in the military.that being said there’s a big difference as g dad than dad lol well times have changed 20 years later bc my daughter is now 44 but I listen to my granddaughter especially about boys and when I get to talk with her one on one instead of texting we become closer. She tx and said I’ve been cry n all night and I said let me pick u up and let’s go out to eat later after we talk and I got home she tx me and said I feel better amen there is a God lol I said boys only want one thing they are wired different I don’t want nothing n the oven when u walk in your gown graduation day she said huh I don’t understand lol well that’s old school for no babies now I been a your pastor in the 1990 s but now I’m just wanna focus on her btw she has great parents my daughter married a good husband and dad
I agree I just graduated from college and than my daughter wanted to go to college asked me to watch 3 grandchildren while she went to college for 2 yrs. So I did and within 1 yr after that she estranged me.
That is extremely painful. I am so sorry this has happened to you. This estrangement thing is a part of that generation..if a son in law or daughter in law has some thought up reason they will make this happen especially when the spouse is weak. I have four grandchildren that live about four miles away and we do not see them. To think your own child would do this or let their spouse do this is incredibly is almost beyond belief. Breath deeply, pray, realize no matter what small things you may have done…you do not deserve this treatment. There is always the option of going to court, but that seems to destroy any future as a family. I wish you well…move on with your life, try to forgive….
No! No! Don’t accept that! Keep on trying to get through to her. Stay on it and don’t allow the estrangement. She’s testing you. I had same with my 27 yr old son. If they see you’re accepting it they’ll stick with it. Just keep loving her and doing for her, she still needs you. Put yourself second constantly. Don’t let her see you hurting. Narcissists love that. Include her in events, and just assume she’ll come as if you don’t hear the limitations of her doing no contact! She’ll come back to you! Not to disregard her requests to stay away, just gently be there for her. Love has no boundaries. Do you love each other? Btw my son and I are fine! He’s 33 now. PS the company they keep has a lot to do with how “they” think of you.
Parents shouldn’t need articles to know if they are taking advantage of their own parents. A face to face conversation is how that situation should be handled. None of these articles should be necessary if we have the conversations on both sides. Parenting never stops.
It seems more like a parent trying to tell their parents how they would like them to ‘behave’. However, I find nothing wrong with setting boundaries on both sides. As parents we get to decide how we want to raise our children. As grandparents, (I have over 10), we have to set boundaries as well. We decide when we will or won’t watch them. We decide what the rules are in our home, when we watch them. These things should be discussed and agreed upon very early. Also, parents should NEVER, EVER, EVER, use the grandchildren as pawns or leverage in the event they are upset with their parents.
I agree, I don’t feel this author has any experience as a grandparent. I saw the title of the article and thought should anyone really be telling anyone how to be a grandparent. I feel some parents out there have too many rules for a grandparent and if they are not followed will keep the child from the grandparent. I didn’t really have grandparents growing up, they all passed away before I was born/pre-teen but from what I do remember it was just nice being around them, I don’t remember my mother having any rules. I think it was more about that we did not see them all the time so just enjoy being around them and I know she loved being around them. Parents and Grandparents should never be taken for granted; they will be gone before you know it.
You definitely have that right and this generation thinks we are the psedo parents and they are entitled to have you serve, feed, watch all the time, and pretty much raise their children.
Actually, it doesn’t matter if the author is a Grandparent or not…there is nothing in this list that isn’t spot-on information, and none of it requires grandparenting experience. And it’s not advice that only those who are grandparents have insight about…it’s excellent advice for ANYONE’s interactions with other people’s children, regardless of relationship.
I am a grandparent, I agree 100% with all of this.
We also need an article of the things not to do by children towards the grandparent.
It’s time to pass the holidays to your children. Thats what i did and now my grandchildren help as well. I did it for 30 years and loved it. Now at my age i can no longer do. My grands want my receipe box. Im happy they want and love my cooking from back in the day.
Nothing wrong with saying “No” sometimes, and/or explaining limitations on your time and energy. With the few times I’ve done this, it’s said in a direct but loving tone, and I find my daughter (their mom) is OK with it.
You said it Grandma. As Grandparents, our children often think we have to be ready to jump in and help. As if we have no other life. And if you can’t, they often get mad. I love my grandchildren with all my heart, but I just want to be Grandma, not parent. And…not just being taken for granted, but even ungrateful. The more you help them, the more they expected. I know, it’s hard to say no, and we often cave in because of the children, but then we end up with the responsibility. We need to set limits with our children. Oh, and mind you, our children don’t even take the time to visit us. “Too busy.”
We grandparents are dinosaurs..hard to accept…no expectations. Our generation knew how to respect elders..today.forget it.
Yes, they are. No one understands, u can’t do what you did when u were younger.
I am a new grandparent and I do feel like I’m taken for grantit, as if I don’t have a life or my own. It is assumed I’ll always be here would love to know how to handle this.
Having experience, I have found the following to help:
“I would love to see the grandchildren; however, I have a doctor’s appointment and I can’t get back in time for you to leave. But please call me again as you know how much I love the children. Now, call your doctor and make that appt! It will settle your nerves.
If you’re not feeling well, that should work, too. And if pressed, you have three friends who have that malady and you think it must be going on, and you would not dream of exposing the babies to that because it is miserable. You want to add a specific or specifics: Vomiting, lightheadedness, a bit of a fever. Who care’s? And the coup de gras is that you can’t stay out of the bathroom.
Suggest that one of his or her neighbors is of your age and perhaps they would love to see the children … they are such a delight. Now, if they tell you it will just be for 30 min or so, your reply is simply, no.
Why lie? If you can’t or don’t want to, say so.
I agree! I don’t think lying is the best solution. It teaches them to lie and I know I never taught my children to lie. Just be honest!
I agree! And that is definitely not your role or place.. Kids do always ask and even demand .. My grandson * always* does.
Don’t do anything that makes you feel used or abused.
But I bet the kids love you no matter what.. their focus is on love from Grandpa/Grandma .. and “of course they will get me—-“ 😁haha..
But I realize my grandson is very attached to me no matter how many times he is asking for something.. If I can I will.. but I tell him to get himself together and stop being greedy expecting things all the darn time! 🩷😉
And their parents… no. They can ask or suggest but you don’t have a money tree in your yard! do they? ( I didn’t think so) But you might have to put your foot down with *them*.
I agree. Lying can totally and permanently ruin a relationship.
What is that teaching them by lying be straight with your family. I have grandkids I’m not even allowed to see you because my husband and son are fighting. It’s ridiculous. Now, I don’t have a relationship with my daughter-in-law because my husband and son are fighting the first time I saw the grandchild it was on Snapchat. From the hospital (nobody called us and said they were going ) he had been in the world 19 minutes and had I not been standing next to my daughter (I would never have known) and she didn’t want to snap the picture because then her brother the father of the child would be notified automatically) that she has a picture. I had to take a picture of her phone, so we already have crazy town in this family. There’s never a dull moment, but we don’t need to be lying. That just makes things worse. Yeah, if you don’t like somebody’s hair a little white lie, I understand that. Think before you open your trap You can always find something nice to say, pretty much about anyone in my experience. . Jesus is watching too….Best of luck, fellow grandparents, be fierce with your love, love hard not everybody gets to have grandchildren or children for that matter.
The greatest part of my moms later life. Did wonders for my child. Wasn’t always great but so cherished today. Loved always being there!
This is completely wrong and you need to sit your daughter and sil down and set the rules for your life. You’re being taken for granted and maybe it’s not completely their fault, maybe you started out as a willing participant but it’s now gone too far and no one can stop that but you.
Lacinda—–have an upfront conversation with your son/daughter about your availability in
assisting them with the grandkids. Do this during a lull period and not when they need immediate
help. Be completely forthcoming and leave nothing unsaid. They need to understand your wants
and needs,schedule and limitations as they request your assistance. Pent up resentment must always
be avoided. Good luck !
That sounds very good!
To all of the above people who responded, quit complaining, enjoy them as the grow up fast, pass family tradition on them so they can carry on certain things that pertain to your family. Help them learn right from wrong. Build their self-esteem and protect them from bad influences. How you react with them is how they will remember when your gone. Yes, you can make a big difference in your child’s life both regular son/daughter or grandson granddaughter!
I have six grandchildren the oldest being 31 yrs. old. My grandchildren have brought more joy to my life than i could ever imagine. I babysat while my daughter and her husband worked. I worked weekends so i would be available to take care of the kids during the week. I helped out with cooking, cleaning, laundry and doing homework. I have always felt loved and appreciated. But every grandparent has to find their own way. what works for one of us will not work for all.
I agree, life is to short. I love seeing my grandchildren and watching them. I would love to see them even more. They make my day. My daughter has them well trained. They are very respectful and good kids 7 and 9. They are even good to each other. Be glad to have grandchildren. A lot of people don’t have any and would love too.
I agree with maybe two or three of these but the rest are nonsense. If you raised a child who could write an article like this then you have reached the level of grandparenting that allows you to stay up late with the grandkids watching movies, eating ice cream, encourage learning, brag about them all you want (using safety precautions on social media of course) and making sure they know they can always come to you when ‘The Parents’ are out of line. We’ll handle it. 🙂
I agree! I feel sorry for the family that needs to be told, in mindnumbing detail, to treat your loved ones with respect! I can’t even imagine myself requesting another grandkid, who would do that? As for the education advice (and advice in general) my advice would be to NEVER offer it unsolicited! If my grown children want my advice, they’ll ask!
If my grandkids spend the night or weekend with us, we go to bed when we get finished having all the fun we can have. Their parent’s know the people that raised them are of sound mind & good judges of when & what little kids need. If they want to be sticklers about routines & arbitrary bunk, I’m gonna ask their kids about all the naughty things they do!
Lol
I do not live for my grandkids. They are NOT my kids and I don’t care want they do. And I don’t want to spend time with them.
They my children’s responsibility and not mine.
You are missing out on all the fun. You don’t get it.
Their parents do the disciple, you give the hugs and be a safe place for them.
Too bad for you.
What in the world? Are we now
leaving parents to discipline after a free for all at Grannie’s house? Yes, let us fill them full of sugar and caffeine and send them home !
Grandparents should take directions from parents and parents should be aware of exceptions at Grannie’s house. It is a win/ win if everyone communicates honestly and leaves the passive- aggressive behaviors behind. If you can’t agree, parents, hire a babysitter!
I agree it’s such a joy being a 👴 grandparent..best ever! You can love them spoil them and give them back to mom and dad!
True, we get to love and spoil and when they turn into brats, give them back to their parents.
Very angry person on life as I see it
Who are you??
Very hateful. I have a husband like you and its his loss and yours!!.
Don’t worry if you raised your kids to feel the same as you.
Oh by the way I hope you have good friends to help out when your old and sick.
Wow that’s really harsh , I have issues with being a full time grandparent , but I love spending time with my grandchildren and then with me. I couldn’t possibly see my life without them in it. I hope God can open up your heart and grace you with love ❤️🙏🏼
That’s sad.
Guess that’s how you raised “your” kids, if you were ever there for them. You sound like a very bitter guy with issues. To bad, your really missing out.
Marc, You seem like a very self-centered person. I’m glad that I don’t know you.
I really wish you hadn’t said that. You are not a happy man, and when reading your vitriol your words take my joy away. Don’t worry, it’ll come back, but please keep your mean thoughts to yourself.
Wow! Sounds like you’ve had a sad relationship With your child. I’m so sorry to read that. I hope overtime it does get better before you leave this earth. Once you’re gone, you’re gone, and you will not experience all the joys that you could have lived with that grandchild.
I have been a grandparent for 30 years and now starting to have great grandkids. While your tips are good for even everyday life, you are cookie cutting all families and can’t be done. ( and I am a BLSW so I have a little education, which isn’t half as good as experience) Each family unit is different, single parents, young parents, and parents that have kids do someone else can raise them are a few examples. Yes there are parents that do take you for granted, and there will be grandkids that need you more than others. You have to also set boundaries.
Very well said, Seretta, and it’s right on target. I never feel as if my daughter is taking me for granted when she asks me to take care of my granddaughter. She wants help from someone she can trust and she knows that I love to spend time with my grandchild. It’s a good match. I’ll always want to be her first choice in being asked to take care of my granddaughter.
Iam a granpa at 81 and it started I think late 50s . I read your writing and have to say you pretty much nailed it. We are all the same yet different.
Just when you thought it has gotten pretty bad then the great grandparent expectation takes over. They are hell bent on reaping! They want all the benefits but no responsibility.
You think it has hit the bottom but you are taken to new debts!
Sad. You could spend time with them/enjoy them without the discipline or expense! I am thankful I have good memories of time with my grand parents. My great grandfather lived to be 100. He would catch us with the crook of his cane, nudge us over to him, and often give us a quarter. Pleasant memories.
True, I only met two of my grandparents while growing up (both grandmothers) with one of them actually living with my family. I never met neither of my grandfathers (both dead by the time I was born).
Grandparents were different then but I learned from both these women different things and different kinds of love.
Don’t need a psychology degree to know all this. It’s common sense. Sorry.
Interesting article; I hadn’t thought of most of these because I wouldn’t promise something to anyone that I couldn’t fulfill or comment on anyone’s weight. The “pump your grandkids for dirt” is just creepy.
As I think about my one grandson (aged 2) and a second to be born in June 2024 in the context of an article like this I advocate for myself and others: Be present and positive; Offer (by spoken contract with parents if necessary) primarily what you can or care to afford in time, dollars and energy; Brush up on patience and forgiveness; Except in a crisis, don’t yell or swear; Appropriately, hug and kiss your grandchildren; Give grandchildren your best self.
The article holds out the most important idea: Don’t contradict the rules of the parents (like bedtime). Very encouaging.
💯💯👍👍
This is a much kinder response to caring for grandchildren. I used to pick up my grandchildren on Friday and keep them for the weekend, not because it was expected of me, but because I thoroughy enjoved all of the time I got to spend with them. They’re all grown now and they haven’t forgotten the time we spent together. We still love each other as uch as ever and keep in touch even when we can’t send time together.
Love my gand and great grandchildren.
I think the young parents today depend on google, & other things besides the knowledge a grandparent has. We have experience, & do know how to raise children. The sleep schedules, the way they put them to bed, the food, keeping a child in a bubble most of the time, is ridiculous.
It seems lots of parents and Grand parents use these digtial note book Ipads as baby sitters, The thing I don’t believe should happen is for your Children to put you on a guilt trip if you have appointments or things to do also, hate spur of the moment calls for a baby sitter, especially when you already have plans, if you truly love your grandchildren it’s hard to say no, and your Children know this.
They are not wrong, they are not necessarily right on every point either. It would be hard for me to believe the writer has ever experienced being a full time, hands on, grandparent.
Admitting ignorance is not a popular deed, especially for folks who have reams of experience they would like to convey, not to mention a pile of warnings of what not to do. At the same time, patiently asking questions and then listening carefully can encourage both the storyteller and the listener.
Grandparents of this era have the unusual, unique position of having one leg in the analog era and the other leg in the digital era, and we are among the few generations in history who are clearly experiencing “before-and-after” ignorance. The kids have so much to teach us! We are teaching, true, but more by our words; our actions are actually doing the teaching. Actions such as listening.
Ask the questions that you really want or need to have answered, and then listen carefully, patiently, resisting the temptation to share your own experience and wisdom. Listen to not just the words they speak, but, more, for what they’re actually trying to say. Being listened to and having their thoughts valued can make a huge difference in a young one’s sense of self. Re-visit the joys and frustrations of your own youth.
So often I am thankful for my children teaching me patience.
The experience for me has the greatest. I have 5 and youngest is 18 ,3 boys 2 girls . I had the special experience of gran son # 1hit a home run in little league.
Mostly think this is good advice. But occasional exceptions can be good. Granddaughter now 29 often tells of me putting her little sisters to bed. Then leaving them with Grandad and taking her to the mall which was open late for holidays. We shopped from 9 to 11 and had a wonderful time. No cell phone back then so couldn’t ask her parents permission.
That’s a great experience fir her that she will always treasure!
My grandparents had a slew of grandchildren. 23. My parents would take the whole family to visit on Sundays, and we would play outside all day with cousins. But each grandchild was given the opportunity at a certain age, perhaps at 10 years old, to spend a week alone with our grandparents. A great time to finally get to know them, learn their values, etc.
Family is so very important to me. I didn’t feel so much love as I was growing up. I was rarely told I love you. Number one in my book is to show these grandchildren our love.
Hug them every time you see them.
I agree with most of the article but I personally have a few differences of opinion.
My granddaughter calls me Gigi (because that was my choice, don’t judge) and we have a fabulous relationship.
However when she stays with me she eats whatever she wants, she is 15. But of course it hasn’t always been that way.
We stay up as late as she wants and watch the movies that she wants. Anything to get her off her phone.
She is my only grandchild and anytime I shop with my family I buy her anything she wants. Finally I am financially able to do that.
Yes I spoil her, and that is my privilege and honor.
Although sometimes my daughter scolds me for spending so much on her she knows it comes from a place of love. I would never do anything different.
My granddaughter used to bring her friends with her a lot and they all love me. I love them as well.
When she was born, I actually moved here so that I would know her and be closer to her as she grew up.
Now life with her has gotten sadder for me cause she is 15! Obviously she would rather spend time with her friends. I get it but it has been hard.
One thing she will always know is that she is so very loved by her Gigi.
And it’s not for the things I give her but for the love we share.
When we shop and I want to buy her things, she ALWAYS says no, please don’t. She doesn’t want me to spend my money on her. This just makes me want to spend more.
I would like to see an article about what a grandparent should do.
I want my grandchild to be happy, healthy, and have a great outlook on life. She has all that. And I’d like to think that I had a small part in that.
I love her more than life and feel so honored to have my Izabella!!
Is it wrong to accept money for watching your grandchildren? Our daughter and husband are quite well off and we are on small fixed incomes. I just always feel guilty getting paid to watch our own grandchildren. Your thoughts on this please.
Yes I think it’s a wonderful idea for the kids to help you out by paying you to watch their kids —- I’m sure they want to make your life better and this is a nice way of doing that without feeling like it’s a handout
To the people who don’t want to spend time with there grandkids , I think your missing out on being a role model to our younger generation, your missing out on the purest love you could imagine, you say you don’t want to spend time with them that they are your children’s responsibilities well maybe to an extent but until you actually can’t be with them unless you go visit them at the graveyard ànd you not only lost the grabdchild you loose your son cause the effects on loosing a child has made your child a different person! So people were grown don’t lie to your kids or grandkids and cherish ever moment of every day you have with them! I only read a few comments and oneof the people who commented MY PRAYERS ARE WITH U !!!
And what about when you go over and beyond and then be told you’re over stepping your boundaries. Until you’re needed again
We are Parents on a Grand scale! I feel
Grandparents are first of all are filled
With unconditional love ❤️ towards
There Grand Children. Second we need
To teach them they are Special and that
Every one is unique in their own way…
That we are always there for them for
Any reason they may need help in a
Situation. That nothing is too bad and
Everything can be worked out. Also
Be a good listener we will listen to you
Always without judgement. I have 4
Grand Children and 9 Great Grandchildren
Ages 3-32 I’ve helped raise 5 of them
So my story is a little different but I’m
Still a Grandma they still had parents.
My heart just grew the moment the first
Baby was born and we have such a
Special bond. Each of you feel different
I honor that that’s real in your life.
You have no idea what a true gift it is
To just be in the moment with your
Grandchildren nothing else feels that
Amazing love between you and them!
I chose to read the comments first for some odd reason before your article, and wondered after reading your article if anyone even understood why those specific mistakes were chosen, because all comments were related to how each loved their grandchildren and what makes good grandparenting. I feel the main point was missed. When a child is raised by two parents, these children are brought up by two different life styles, dad’s and mom’s. When they visit both sides of grandparents, they also enter into two different life styles. One side may be strict and the other lenient. Thankfully, children are resilient, and they need to feel wanted, loved, and secure. These little children are walking on pins and needles if they leave their home and have to change up each time. Knowing how they are raised in their biological family is important so that the child’s structural environment is not compromised, and when their parents pick them up they don’t have to worry about unspoinling their child or drying their tears that later in life turn into anger. Stability is very important to children, they feel safe with knowing their boundaries. At least they’ll understand pro’s and con’s of their actions as they grow. Yes, I am a grand and great grandmother. My mother was like a parent , and the other grand parents were ruling and spoilers of the ones they favored. My grandparents all passed before I was born since my mom and dad married at 43yrs old, so you can say that I had parents that parented in a matured manner close to grandparenting and one thing I can say, is that I was brought up, secure, safe, and loved. Was life perfect? In no way, because raising and being raised is also influenced by where we grow up also and our outside environment contacts. This is all about the children and how we influence the best for their lives, and as a grandparent passing on good and stable values to them.
I was very much in need when the grandkids were little now that they don’t need a free babysitter I rarely see them.
I’m road blocked at every turn now.
I’ve been a grandmother to 7 for almost 30 years and there were many times when I felt lonely for them. Today they are all almost adults and I still can’t get enough of them!!
i’m 61 an i had no Choice but to My granddaughter five years old… my daughter passed aways 2 years ago.an no one helped me with her not even her dad.. she going to school in September that’s a little release for me
Sometimes you have seconds to make decisions based on a lifetime of experience. Let’s be forgiving to ALL those we love, lets us all sleep better.
Children, Grandchildren and Great Grand Children are ALL Wonderful Gifts from God to fill our lives with happiness, so much joy and Love. The Love, Hug/Kisses and Special Memories they share with me.. are like no other.. I have 12 Grandchildren and recently been Bleesed with my 1st Grandchild a Liitle Boy. They all bring something special to my HEART! I am Truly a Blessed Mom and Grandma
This is the oddest “grandparent” advice I’ve seen to date and I don’t buy much of it. Half the suggestions are misconceived…like never tell your kid they are as handsome as their dad or as smart as their mom? Baloney! Comparing a child to their parents can be very uplifting. I know from experience. If you are talking about negative comparisons, you should say so, but isn’t that obvious? Don’t break bedtime rules!!?? That was one of my favorite parts of staying overnight with my grandma. What harm can that do if you tell them “don’t try this at home”. Some are just “duh” like don’t give a granchild a pet – certainly not without much discussion with the parents. My son is forever asking for my insights and advice and has no problems with how I deal with my grandson because he knows what kind of parent I am! The whole article assumes grandparents aren’t too bright and don’t communicate with their adult children
I have 8 grandkids, but I raised one. I got her found her mother when she was first born. I had to put down my Grandma’s responsibility and I had to become her mother.. Until this day I have had her for 12 years and I don’t regret it! The first time I got her when she was boring it’s the best thing that ever happened.There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her because she has my heart.. And
when it comes to holiday birthdays or
any other day I love giving to my
grandchildren, it doesn’t take a holiday
or birthday for me to give them
anything. Don’t get me wrong there is an no in there or I don’t feel like it…But they understand…why
because it’s my responsibility to
bring balance to my grandchildren, Even
the one I have been raising since brith.. We have the responsibility as grandparents, to give our grandchildren great value and discipline. There’s nothing wrong with me saying. No, that’s nothing wrong with time out. Good correction, bring good grandchildren. Bring up a child in
a way they should go. When it’s done
out of “LOVE”! So, if you are a grandmother love it, Embrace it and give them all the other kisses you can, because they need that affection. When the become grown up…you will become there hero. Love being a grandmother ❤️
As the NANA of 3 BEAUTIFUL Boys, (after having a wonderful only child daughter) I would’ve not ever asked our daughter about children!! I have our boys frequently, & I steer clear of any questions regarding their parents. We try to have fun (imagine a 69 year old grandma playing kickball in her backyard!!) but we also have times where we show them how to act towards other people. I believe that the most important part of” grandparenthood” is SHOWING THE KIDS how to act, & teach by example. It’s so important to keep “rules” but there’s also times when certain rules can be bent. We’re available 24/7 to help them, but I know that there have been times when we’ve given an inch, & they take a mile…. I am not perfect, but we try to keep OUR rules—(our house, our rules) & sometimes they’re not followed. We believe that our daughter & SIL are a little to “loosey-goosey” with their rules, but it’s not easy to get the boys to follow through with our rules.
We are OVER THE MOON in love with our boys, & we’re doing everything we possibly could to ensure that they get along with each other. They are each 3 years apart, with the oldest being 13.5 years old; the middle is closer to 11 years old & the youngest is 7.5 years old. I believe that it’s difficult for them because of the 3 years age difference, but we try to make a point of saying that their brothers are certainly their BEST FRIENDS. (as my sister & I are truly 14 months apart-yet she is my other half & my BEST FRIEND & confidant. We speak every day, & we look out for each other.:) But we are always telling them that they are fortunate to have their brothers, & they NEED TO KEEP THEM CLOSE.
Every day is truly an adventure, & as we go along, we also learn from our boys-& they learn from us. We are so proud, grateful & fortunate for every moment we have, & we treasure them every moment we have with our grandsons.
my son-in-law complained about my grandparenting style. I spoiled the kids rotten. I let them stay up as late as they want. I follow no instructions given to me by their parents. My daughter told her husband that he should ask at work what the other men that he work with thinks about the situation. he came home and told my daughter that the other men said that if they had on call unlimited free babysitting, grandma could nail the kids to the wall and throw darts at them and that would be perfectly fine. I haven’t heard anything from my son-in-law about my grandpa parenting methods for about the last 15 years.
Adult kids should respect there mother I’m a widow 5 years for me to meet someone they call them scammers in which they are not I was dis own a. Mom from my second oldest one oldest one dis agrees with anything that I do
You youngest one knows if I don’t have gas or food but he’s the only one that. All’s me to see if I’m ok or need anything other 2 nope one bit
There is a big difference between caretaking and grand-parenting. Just as young people need to give careful thought and consideration to having children, we should give thought and consideration to our role as grand-parents. It’s uncharted territory for both and you have 9 months to figure it out. Use it wisely.
I agree with everything said here.
I’ve broken a few of those and it wasn’t good for all concerned. Generally small stuff but good guidelines.
If you feel something truly wrong is going on that’s different.
My kids all seem to be great parents!
I agreed with the person who mentioned all family and situations are different. In my case I live with my 6 year old granddaughter since she was 4 months old, that’s after I raised my 4 children and they had leave the nest. It’s my son’s daughter and his girlfriend who is an unfit mother. My friends told me I was crazy to take her as a baby now that I was going to start a free life but being my first and only grandkid, I chose not to let her be with an strange family and in “the system”. So I sacrificed and it was so worth it. I love her with all my heart and she loves me and call me mom. She’s healthy, full of live and a great girl, everyone loves this girl ! Even in school!
I just came across this article about grandparents. I must say it was very insightful because it made me reflect upon my grandparents when I was raised up by my mother and father and grandmother all living in the same house for 22 years in the Tidewater area in king and Queen county Virginia in sixties and seventies.
I think back on my life and I always felt privileged to have had such wonderful grandparents who lived their roles well.
They were grand- parents .
Their gifts to us eight children was the integrity, stability and strength they imparted to us grandchildren.
Mumma my dad’s mother whom we lived three generations deep in her home was the epitome of wisdom. She shared her love for quilting , seeing and needlepoint after completing her daily morning routine of rising early to prepare breakfast with my mother . We never received frivolous gifts. No hugs or kisses.
Just true genuine wisdom and guidance on how to live Godly lives ov being happy with the life as a farm family.
Now that I am a grandmother and a Reagan’s mother. I know now she gave gave us the greatest gift. Peace and love to know that she treasured us and we her.
I hope that I may impart that to my grandchildren. Mumma thank you for being a woman of faith and direction to lay a firm foundation.
I’m a step grand parent to two successful, socially active women. They both have 2 daughters each. My beef is #1 they want us to go everywhere to see them but can’t seem to even drop by our place when they drive by( 1 block out of their lane of travel)!
#2 they can’t even send a text of just TY! for birthday gifts. I don’t even know they received them!
So, I get it ! Should I keep sending the gifts or stop?
I’m not a grandparent, but I’m an uncle to a pair of great kids born to my sister and brother-in-law. I’ve been in their lives since their birth, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, and other life stages. I believe that the contents of this article are applicable to uncles and aunts as they are to grandparents. For example, as a retired Federal employee who worked for FEMA, I worked on pet preparedness for over 15 years, so I agree with item #5, Don’t give pets as gifts to the grandkiddos, b/c pets are NOT gifts, especially not for Christmas or Easter, which is when baby bunnies (called kits), ducklings and chicks are given as gift pets. Not only are kittens and puppies NOT toys, neither are chicks, bunnies, ducklings, and other baby animals. Why? Because not only do animals have teeth and claws, those can be sharp on kids’ skins. In addition, kids have limited attention spans, and when a cute puppy or kitten starts looking less cute, they will resemble a grown cat or dog, and that’s when the reality of pet guardianship hits hardest: feeding and watering the pet, getting them to the vet–lots of struggle there!, playing with them, walking or exercising them, and worse of all, cleaning after them, especially dogs, who don’t use litter boxes, but cats and bunnies do. Cleaning those litter boxes is an onerous task with horrible odors, which means that kids don’t want to handle, so they hand off that job to the parents.
I also agree about with the item regarding refraining for commenting about the kiddos’ weighs or other appearance issues. Your grandkids’ (or in my case, the nephew’s or the niece’s) health or overall appearance or medical issues are not your business, but in the control of the parents. And that’s why I needed to stay out of the arguments about their health and appearance. To me, my niece and nephew have always looked wonderful, from the time they were kids and all the way to adulthood. As for the other pieces of advice contained in this article, such as not promisingg them anything I can’t keep or suggesting educational options, I stayed out of those discussions too–the kiddos’ education wasn’t my business and neither is acting like a politician who makes promises they can’t keep. Bottom line: love your grandkiddos, nephews or nieces as they are, not as what they could be.
When I stopped giving my Grandchildren money, that is when they turned their back on me,
They didn’t Love me it was the money. I worked hard all my life in the gaming industry of Atlantic City.
Still waiting for the first Christmas Card. Everything I have in my will is going to charity. They will not get a dime.
It is Sad …
My son has estranged me for 12 years now. I still don’t know why, after I did everything for him. I raised him alone since he was 5 years old. I Guarded and Protected him . He became a Marine 🇺🇸 and even with 2 tours in Iraq, I still made sure he got all he needed. In the other End I was is Punch bag.
After 8 years, then 4 in college, he decided to abandoned me. Yes, that’s what He did. No Reason of mine was Alright under his Criticisms and Arrogance.
Until he became a US Marshall, got married ( I was not invited,) about 3 years later a little beautiful girl, was born. I have not seeing her yet. My son acts like if I am dead. My x husband his father, never Care before the kid up until he became a US Marshall. All the attention goes to his father and I am just inexistent. It breaks my heart, Everytime, everyday I think about it under the Sun and the Moon.
I forgive him and I am looking for the day he will come to knock on my door.
Grandparents… don’t accept the side we’re your children can deprive you from your Grandchildren…
With gratitude!
MA
I was taught to have respect for my grandparents. I was building houses with my uncle at the age of 13. My grandfather had a 1948 Plymouth. Out of all the 30+ grandchildren, I was the only one who was ever allowed to drive it. I cut my grandparent`s lawn without them even asking me to do it. We did things for one another without comment or thanks. That is just the way it was. My grandfather built houses and my uncle bought the ground and built the houses from the ground up. In later years he turned into a a realtor. I learned a lot from them. I own property from southern Oregon to Anchorage, Alaska. I never liked working for anyone and because of what they taught me I am a self-made millionaire. My cousins chose to work for someone else. They have always struggled to make ends meet. I have always had work. Like my uncle, I buy and sell properties. SSI is something that just goes into a savings account.