The 5 Love Languages, Revisited for Long-Term Couples
Thinking about the five love languages isn’t about taking a formal test or labeling each other. It’s about curiosity. It’s about observing with fresh eyes and listening with an open heart. As you read through these descriptions, try to think about which one resonates most for you, and which you see most often in your partner’s behavior, requests, and even their complaints. This is excellent marriage advice for any stage of a relationship.
1. Words of Affirmation
What it is: This language is about using words to build up your partner. It’s expressed through unsolicited compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, and kind remarks. It’s hearing “I love you,” but it’s also hearing “I’m so proud of you,” “Thank you for handling that difficult phone call,” or “You look lovely today.” For someone whose primary language is Words of Affirmation, words are not just words; they are nourishment for the soul.
The challenge after decades: Compliments can become rare, and appreciation can become assumed. The daily “thank yous” may feel automatic rather than heartfelt. Negative feedback or criticism, even when constructive, can land with devastating weight on a person who thrives on affirmation.
Actionable next step: Try the “One Specific Affirmation a Day” challenge for one week. The key is specificity. Instead of a general “Thanks for everything,” try something more focused. For example: “I noticed how patiently you listened to our granddaughter on the phone today, even when she was rambling. It reminded me of what a kind person you are.” A specific, observed compliment shows you are paying attention, and that is a powerful gift.
2. Acts of Service
What it is: For these individuals, actions truly speak louder than words. This language is about doing things you know your partner would like you to do. It means easing their burdens and anticipating their needs. Making them a cup of tea without being asked, taking care of a dreaded errand, or quietly fixing a leaky faucet are all expressions of love in this language.
The challenge after decades: The line between a loving act and a routine chore can become incredibly blurry. What was once an act of service can become an expectation, and when it’s not done, it can breed resentment. The doer may feel taken for granted, while the receiver may not even register the action as an expression of love anymore.
Actionable next step: Practice the “Ask, Don’t Assume” method. Instead of guessing what would be most helpful, ask directly. This shows respect for your partner’s autonomy and ensures your effort is well-spent. Try a simple script like, “I have some free time this afternoon. Is there one thing I could take off your to-do list that would make your day a little easier?” This turns a potential chore into a collaborative act of care.
3. Receiving Gifts
What it is: This love language is often misunderstood as materialism. It’s not. For a person who speaks this language, a gift is a tangible, visual symbol of love. The value is not in the price tag but in the thought and effort behind the item. It’s proof that you were on their mind when you were apart. A perfect gift says, “I saw this, and I thought of you.”
The challenge after decades: Gift-giving can become a routine obligation, especially around birthdays and holidays. It can lose its thoughtfulness. Or, conversely, a couple might decide to stop giving gifts altogether to save money or hassle, inadvertently cutting off a major source of emotional connection for one partner.
Actionable next step: Focus on the “Small and Thoughtful” gift. This isn’t about big purchases. It’s about demonstrating that you listen and observe. Did your partner mention a type of flower they love? Bring one home. Did they say they were out of their favorite hand lotion? Pick some up on your next trip to the store. Leaving a small chocolate on their pillow or bringing them their favorite magazine from the newsstand are powerful expressions of this love language.
4. Quality Time
What it is: This language is all about giving your partner your undivided attention. It’s not just about being in the same room; it’s about being present with each other. This means putting down the phone, turning off the television, making eye contact, and truly listening. Quality conversation, shared activities, or simply sitting together in companionable silence can all be forms of Quality Time.
The challenge after decades: It’s easy to fall into the “parallel lives” trap, where you co-exist in the same space but rarely connect meaningfully. You might spend hours in the same room, one person reading and the other watching TV, without exchanging more than a few words. Health issues or caregiving responsibilities can also make it physically and emotionally difficult to carve out dedicated time for one another.
Actionable next step: Implement a daily “Tech-Free 20 Minutes.” Find a 20-minute window each day—perhaps in the morning before the day gets busy, or in the evening to unwind—where all screens are put away. No phones, no tablets, no TV. Use this time to simply talk. Ask about each other’s day, share a memory, or plan a future outing. This small, consistent ritual can rebuild a foundation of emotional intimacy.
5. Physical Touch
What it is: A person whose primary language is Physical Touch feels most loved through physical connection. This includes sexual intimacy, but it’s much broader than that. It’s holding hands while walking, a hug at the beginning and end of the day, a hand on their back as you pass in the hallway, or sitting close together on the sofa.
The challenge after decades: This can be one of the most complex languages to navigate later in life. Physical changes, chronic pain, medication side effects, and shifts in libido can all impact a couple’s physical relationship. It can lead to avoidance and misunderstanding, with one partner feeling rejected and the other feeling pressured or uncomfortable. It is vital to communicate openly and compassionately about these changes.
Actionable next step: Separate non-sexual and sexual touch, and prioritize the former. Make a conscious effort to reintroduce gentle, affirming touch into your daily life. Try practicing the “Six-Second Hug.” Research suggests that a hug lasting at least six seconds can release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and connection. Initiate holding hands while watching a movie. Offer a simple back rub without any expectation that it will lead to more. These small acts can rebuild a sense of safety and affection.
