Debunking the “Stages of Grief”: A More Fluid Reality
Many of us are familiar with the concept of the “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model, developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, has become a cultural shorthand for the grieving process. However, it is important to understand its original context and its limitations.
Dr. Kübler-Ross’s work was groundbreaking, but her observations were based on her work with terminally ill patients processing their own impending death, not with those who were bereaved. While the emotions she identified are certainly part of grief, they are not a neat, linear checklist that everyone must complete in order. Grief is much messier and more unpredictable than a five-step plan.
Modern grief experts now prefer more dynamic models that better capture the true experience of loss. Two helpful ways to think about this are the “Tasks of Mourning” and the “Dual Process Model.”
Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning
Grief counselor J. William Worden proposed that instead of passive stages we move through, the bereaved have active tasks they must accomplish to adapt to their loss. This framework can feel more empowering because it centers on what you can do.
1. To accept the reality of the loss. This means fully acknowledging, on both an intellectual and emotional level, that your spouse is gone and will not return. It’s a process that takes time and involves confronting the finality of the death.
2. To process the pain of grief. This task involves allowing yourself to feel the painful emotions of grief rather than avoiding or suppressing them. It is the hard, necessary work of mourning.
3. To adjust to a world without the deceased. This happens on multiple levels. There are external adjustments, like learning to manage finances alone or figuring out how to do tasks your partner used to handle. There are internal adjustments, like shifts in your sense of self—from “we” to “I.” And there are spiritual adjustments, which may involve questioning your beliefs about the world.
4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life. This is a pivotal shift from the old idea of “letting go.” The goal is not to forget your partner but to find a new, different way to maintain a connection with their memory as you move forward and reinvest in life.
The Dual Process Model of Coping
Another helpful concept is the Dual Process Model, which suggests that healthy grieving involves an oscillation, or a back-and-forth movement, between two types of stressors.
Loss-Oriented Stressors: These are the activities and feelings directly related to the loss. This includes crying, looking at old photographs, talking about your spouse, and processing the pain of their absence.
Restoration-Oriented Stressors: These are the secondary challenges and tasks that come with adapting to a new life. This includes learning new skills (like cooking or paying bills), building a new daily routine, taking on new roles, and forming new relationships or social connections.
The key insight of this model is that it is healthy and necessary to take a break from the direct pain of grief. Oscillating between confronting the loss and engaging with the tasks of life allows you to grieve without becoming completely overwhelmed by it. It gives you permission to laugh, to learn, to live, even while your heart is broken.
