How to Start the Conversation: What to Say (and What to Avoid)
One of the most common questions from caregivers is, “what to say to someone who is depressed or anxious?” The fear of saying the wrong thing can be paralyzing. The good news is that your genuine care is more important than finding the “perfect” words. The goal is to open a door for connection, not to solve their problems in one conversation.
Use “I” Statements to Express Concern
Instead of leading with accusatory “you” statements (“You haven’t been yourself lately”), which can make someone defensive, frame your concerns from your perspective. This is a gentle way to open the conversation.
Mini-Example: “I’ve been feeling concerned about you lately because I’ve noticed you seem really down. I care about you, and I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
Practice Active Listening
Active listening is a skill where you listen to understand, not just to wait for your turn to speak. When they talk, put away your phone, make eye contact, and give them your full attention. Reflect back what you hear to show you’re paying attention.
Mini-Example: If they say, “I just feel so overwhelmed by everything,” you can reflect with, “It sounds like you’re carrying a really heavy weight right now.”
Validate Their Feelings, Even If You Don’t Understand Them
Validation is one of the most powerful tools for mental health support. It doesn’t mean you agree with their distorted thoughts; it means you acknowledge that their emotional experience is real *for them*. You are validating the emotion, not the conclusion.
Mini-Example: Instead of “Don’t be sad,” try “It makes sense that you feel sad given everything you’re going through. That sounds incredibly difficult.”
Avoid the Urge to Problem-Solve Immediately
When someone we love is in pain, our instinct is to offer solutions. “Why don’t you just go for a walk?” or “Have you tried yoga?” While well-intentioned, this can feel dismissive. In the initial conversation, their primary need is to feel heard and seen. There will be time for brainstorming solutions later, perhaps with a professional.
Steer Clear of Clichés and Comparisons
Avoid phrases that can inadvertently minimize their pain. These include:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Just think positive!”
“It could be worse; other people have it so much harder.”
While these might seem encouraging, they often land as a message that their feelings are wrong or disproportionate. Stick to empathy and validation.
