5. Expressing contempt
When a couple is contemptuous of each other and also disrespectful, it’s a clear sign that their marriage is almost over. There’s nothing worse than treating your partner badly, after saying yes at the altar.
Although sometimes it’s normal to have a conflict or even a fight here and there, because everyone’s different, it’s not a good sign for a married couple to start addressing disrespectful words to each other. You can try and remediate the situation and maybe talk to a specialist – if you can – but if there’s nothing left you can do, just sign the divorce papers.
P.S.: There’s some awkward situation coming!
41 Responses
We have been married for 49 yrs My husband is not a good communicator never has been. But after all these years I don’t care any more and he bottles it all up. Then he goes crazy. We have two grown children, five grandchildren and two great grand daughters.I say I don’t care but I do about our family. Thank you for your article.
Re: the statement, “Even though it can be challenging walking out of a marriage, you have to remember that you don’t have to stay if you are feeling unhappy.”
I think one of the most important decisions to make before walking out of a marriage is deciding whether you are unhappy with the marriage or if you are unhappy with yourself. My husband divorced me after 29 years of marriage because he wasn’t “happy”. The fact of the matter was that he told our marriage counselor that his unhappiness wasn’t linked to me or directly to our marriage. He was actually unhappy with himself. The divorce did nothing to make him happy. He should have spent time with a personal therapist/counselor to get to the bottom of his unhappiness and depression, rather than throwing 29 years of marriage in the dumpster.
You are so spot on with this. If one is not happy with themselves, then you can’t make someone else happy. People should never get married until they are happy with themselves. This is why I believe, people are waiting longer to commit to marriage or not at all. That is very smart in order to avoid marriages ending 5, 10, or even 20plus years later and causing a financial disaster and further depression.
I’m sorry, but people do wait and many still divorce.
Wow this is exactly my current situation. My husband hates himself but lies at counseling. Has filed for divorce from me instead of getting to bottom of his problems. I suspect his pain management plan keeping him on oxycodone for ten plus years is the problem.
You can get addicted to opioid for emotional pain and once you are on them your body is dependent. It is a slow process to wean off/detox.
57 years here a lot of the above is present in our marriage but mostly the sexual item, one partner is devoid of all sexual needs the other still wants it but is unable to perform, a tough combination. Arguments happen but do not last over long periods. The male in the relationship tries to communicate but the female is the one that is more hesitant to do so, this makes for some tense times. All and 57 years ain’t bad and what else ya got to do, both have medicals problems.
After we had been married for about five years, my widowed dad married his second wife who was a nationally-renowned Imago Therapy trainer, and the two of them paid for us to do an intense Imago weekend (three days at a business-targeted workshop hotel where we went to all-day workshops with a few other couples).
We had a variety of communications difficulties (somewhat severe, actually, largely as a result of various disabilities) but with the skill of the training team we were able to work through those and have been doing wonderfully (not without occasional disputes, but…) for now another three decades.
While in-person workshops have been difficult to locate lately due to COVID-19, I really recommend Imago (resolving unmet childhood needs through cleverly targeted communications strategies) for couples in ANY stage of an intimate relationship.
So what do you do when he tells you. He’s having an affair. How do you get beyond the hurt and anger to even talk.
Ask yourself Why did he have that affair,
😡cos he probably couldn’t keep it in his pants!
Leave…he’ll do it again
That’s not a fair statement! “Leave….he’ll do it again!”
This is coming from a man who cheated on his wife and had multiple affairs through the course of our 30+ year marriage! She choose to stay and try to work through it, but more important is, I knew I had a problem and made sure to let her know that I probably would have cheated on whoever I married, because of trauma that I experienced as a child and how it warped my thinking, and I developed behaviors to cope with my pain that I buried and didn’t know how to deal with. I knew in my heart something was wrong with me and did some major counseling to get to the core of my struggles! It took a lot of hard work and digging into my soul to understand why I could something that I knew was sooooo wrong! Great quote from Dr. Gabor Matte‘ “If you understood the atmospheric conditions of a persons life, you would understand why they do what they do!” It’s been over ten years since all this unfolded and there is no doubt in my heart and mind that I could ever do that to her, or anyone else ever again! The pain I caused her is something I still struggle with and will probably never completely get over! Thus the word “consequences”! This is just one man’s sorry and I’m sure it depends on, if a person is willing to “Do The Work!” I share this with love, compassion, empathy, and hope for other people who may have similar challenges and want them to know they don’t have to believe the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater!” Just remember empathy for others and yourself is a huge part of the equation! The other side of recovery is you get to meet who you really are and who you really want to be!
Do you know why he told you? Does he want forgiveness or is he hoping you will end the marriage to alleviate his guilt? His reason for telling you is important. I recommend counseling for you no matter what he wants because you are grieving. If he wants to save the marriage you both should go; jointly at times, separately at others. I wish you resolution in a way you find acceptable. But don’t rush the decision. Marriages can be saved if both parties want to repair and grow their bond. But this only works if both want the marriage 💑
You move on. Sadly, when one partner cheats, aside from the anger, it completely destroys the trust you had. Trust is your foundation, and without it, your relationship is doomed. IM going through it right now myself. My wife cheated on me with a co worker for years. When I discovered, she broke it off. But I dont trust her with anything anymore, and its not worth the fights, hard feelings. Worse, I dont even want to touch her sexually anymore. She turns me off. Im ready to move on. For years, I resisted other women who wanted to have flings and I blew them off, but now IM starting to think, maybe I should.
Develop an action plan. A plan to leave and live.
Great article. Unfortunately the reality for many people is they reach a point in life where it’s economically unfeasible to get a divorce. The Bible tells us there’s no marriage in heaven. Now I know why!
Matthew 22:30, For in the resurrection they neither marry , nor are given in marriage, but are as angels of God in heaven.
IMHO, when you are looking for vindication for your feelings about your marriage in order to see if you wish to give up and end it and you read this ridiculous article, you will find it here. If you actually wish to put your spouses emotional and physical wellbeing before yours (which is what, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse means), then you will also heal you own emotional health and wellbeing. Treat your spouse the way you wish to be treated. Turn to God, pray, trust him!
The only reason to remove yourself from a marriage is when the spouse is physically abusive. Many people suffer from mental illness, age related dementia, fear of loss. You don’t just drop your spouse when the going gets tough or because your spouse becomes emotionally or physically disabled. It’s not all about you!.
That’s not the only grounds for divorce. Please do not put that in the atmosphere. There are several forms of abuse. Emotional, mental, verbal, psychological, financial, spiritual and physical. Now some of those forms of abuse are life altering. Make sure you are thoroughly sure about what you put out there. No one deserves abuse of any kind. God is love and the vows are made before Him.
You’re right Amy , it’s not all about you. But if you can’t be supportive and a helper to your spouse, then you are doing him/her no favor. My husband never physically hit me, he emotionally and psychologically abused me. I would take a punch over that any day. If you have not endured it, then you no nothing about it or the damage it does. I worked full time, took care of our child, took care of the house and yard. Made sure dinner was on time for him. I was a very good, kind, loving wife.
When your son comes to you when you’re being yelled at and begs for it to stop, it’s time to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your child. If it’s hard on you , what does it do to your child? Time to call it quits. Contrary to popular belief children don’t need two parents to grow up right. They need a parent who will listen and teach good life values and demonstrate them. I was a tough parent, but my son says divorcing his father was the best thing I ever did for him. I took him to a lot of usually male activities. Hunting safety, target practice, wrestling, body building. He worked with his Dad on carpentry on the weekends when his Dad had time to see him. He felt he had a good childhood because we cared enough to put him first.
My husband cheated on me for 28 years with people that worked for us.
We are now separated.
4 days after we separated he was in a date.
He wants me back. That is insane.
He’s mother cheated so was he’s dad.
I think something is really mess up with him.
Sounds like my husbands family. His mother left his dad for another man and left all 10 kids with the youngest being 2 at the time.. the dad kept bringing woman in his home while his kids are looking at all this happen. My husband cannot commit to me (wife) and kids. He had 2 other kids that are older than ours. He doesn’t even commit to them, he has never been in their life and he always blamed the mother of the kids.. now I know that she isn’t the one to
Blame all this time is him, it has always been him. His kids hate him and ours just don’t want anything to do with him.. we have been together for 8 years and it has been hell and back. For 8 years he came and left.. he cheated on me many times.. I’ve lost count.. in Dec 2023 he left us with nothing not even gifts for Christmas I was left with nothing since he told me to leave my job and he would take care of us.. this guy is a narcissist to the max. I feel bad for the little girls in his life that he is playing now.. I’m free but still married…
I am this situation, right now. It is hard to communicate with my husband because he thinks that he is always right. That I know nothing in life from the teachings of my mother before she passed away. Everything has to be done his way or no way at all.
The kicker though is that he told me that , if he saw me speak to another man, friend or just in general, he would harm us both. How can you say this to your wife? The other thing is that he belittles me and tells me that he is helping me. Expects me to say the I love him and have sex with him. The other day, he called me a whore, and then tried to apologize that he said it out of anger. Told me that he loved me and wanted sex. Right there, I have lost all interest in him in every way that a marriage shouldn’t have.
The story between us goes on and on. I have been faithful to my husband despite the fact that he had a three year affair. I am still with him. At this point and time, yes, I am ready to walk away. All nine points hit right on the money.
Sounds like NPD. 🏃♀️ RUN!
Sometimes it’s better to be alone,
than to wish you were…
I’m right there with you Larry. Marriage is hard, sometimes it doesn’t even matter if you still love the person. What really matters is to have a piece of mind! My story is to long and sad to talk about.
What do you do when he tells you he don’t want you anymore?
I was told you never make a person tell you more than once that they don’t want to be with you because it won’t be pretty. We have love ourselves just as much as we love our mate otherwise you allow your to become the doormat and that isn’t pretty either. People will due to you what you allow them to do to you. You can’t change people but you don’t have to be a doormat for them either.
What about when you fall out of love because of alcohol and they won’t get help. Because they don’t think they have a problem. I fell out of love with him because of alcohol and communication.
I conduct marriage counseling and I refer to my sessions as “My Marriage Marathon.” It is a fact that weekly sessions that meet for 45-60 minutes every week do not work well for couples and especially for a couple who comes home after work and still has night time rituals they must go through with their child or children. Couples who have committed to going to a therapy session together are often sorry they made the appointment because they have put in a full day of work and they have to rush to make their appointment.
I developed a different approach, and one that is more marriage friendly and has been very successful for certain couples. I do not accept every couple who calls me and I offer a free phone consultation that is used to vet each couple and make sure they will benefit from my marathon session. I am quite intuitive and can tell who will mesh with my personality and be able to bond with me as their therapist. I ask the couple some pertinent questions and allow them time to ask their questions and I do go over the fee. Couples must block out six hours in the day and I do the same just in case the session lasts that long. Couples are only asked to pay for the hours they use.
I actually went into this profession to help spouses of alcoholics or any spouse that abuses another substance. I found out that my husband was abusing substances and I took him to the very best rehab in the country which is known as “The Mayo Clinic”; and we went from N.Y. to Minnesota where he learned that he had a disease. Alcoholics and other substance abusers are not bad people but they are sick people who need to become educated about their disease.
It is not an easy disease to treat and I may have divorced my husband if I were not 7 months pregnant when I realized that none of of our fights were productive and all our fights had the same theme. I was like a narc and I could tell if he was not clean within seconds. When my husband took any substance he took too much of it and his posture changed and his words came out garbled and I was not one bit attracted to him. It was my mother who pointed out that if I left him in this state, I would have a”drug addict” for the father of my child.
I thought this through and said to myself that I owe it to my unborn son and I owe it to our marriage and to the vows that we took. Yes, I felt I should not leave without being a supportive wife and I stayed. My personal ethics would not allow drugs/alcohol to be in my house and I flushed all types of substances and alcohol sown the toilet. Alcohol is one of the worst substances because because it affects your 4 major organs.
I loved my husband but I would get so upset every time he came home in an altered state and I began hating him. I was no longer forgiving yet another slip up. I was not an enabler and his slip ups came with a price. He knew I had hired lawyers and that he had a lot to lose if he did not get his disease treated. He was ruining a good business that he built and which I helped him to save. He was also giving up his dream of having more children because I refused to have more children until he stayed clean for seven years.
I cannot go over all the details; but I will announce to you and to the world that alcoholics ruin more than just their families; and yes it is a good reason to terminate your marriage. Do I suggest throwing in the towel and giving up quickly? No, and because, in general, I am not a quitter, but that does not mean that you should not quit. In retrospect, having gone down roads less traveled and working with substance abuse specialists, we found a way to keep him moving forward without slip ups.
I would never have gone back to school to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker whose goal was to educate couples about the disease we refer to as “Alcoholism.” During my many years of conducting “My Premarital Marathon” which is for couples who are engaged and have set a wedding date, “My Marriage Marathon” and “My Marathon for Committed Couples Who are Not Yet Bound By Marriage”, the problem that comes up most often is “Alcoholism”; but they come in clueless and often do not realize that they cannot stand their souse at times or that their spouse embarrassed them in some way, and had they been sober that embarrassing moment would not have taken place.
I urge people to find therapists who specialize in couples’ counseling, treating married or unmarried couples and who also have a background in substance abuse so they find out why their couple is constantly fighting. Couples who have a sick partner or are getting drunk together need to be educated before a disastrous divorce takes place and help their couples avoid ugly break ups. I opened “Riverdale Therapy & Counseling Services to save couples and families who are dealing with any kind of substance abuse.
Lorna Hayim-Baker created Riverdale Therapy & Counseling Services to help couples stay together while they learned about their disease and how they have to treat it. I am Lorna Hayim-Baker and I help couples take this journey as they conquer their disease. I love what I do and I weed out couples who want to take this journey with me so they can have a life worth living.
I offer a free phone consultatiion if you call (917) 270-9595. Always leave a message if you want a return call. I pick up my phone when I am available.
Marriage should be a 10 year contract, renewable if both parties agree. I dont think I would ever do this again.
SAME
Ten year contract?! Seriously!?! 😳 I’m thinking maybe a five year deal! Especially if you have a poor relationship radar which apparently I totally have. I read each point, rolled my eyes, and said, “Yep, that’s me.” I know it is and has been for years. But how do you leave when you can’t work, you need medical insurance because of your health, the other person controls the money and they play on that knowing you have no where to go?? Exactly! You end up staying not leaving.
Great article, however communication doesn’t work when your spouse is a narcissist. Additionally he refuses to go to therapy, has never been there for our children, they are in their early twenties and late teens. Any conversation with him is about his work and nothing else. Oh and we do the exact same job just for different organizations and have since shortly after being married. I have pretty much checked out and only speak when spoken to about things. I just listen and never offer advice anymore because he doesn’t care what I think or have to say.
I can relate to this!!!!
I have a good marriage in most aspects except the sex. For the last 3 years, my husband won’t have sex with me. He takes blood pressure meds and antidepressants. He has some dysfunction because of them and won’t get on anything to improve the situation. At 52, I don’t think its fair that he made the decision that I don’t get to have sex for the rest of my life. Despite good communication and general kindness, I feel somewhat lonely and sad.
There is no one set answer.
I married “for better, or for worse”, and put up with a lot of negativity. I knew why he acted out, had a terrible event that happened to him
I forgave his acting out. Many times.
Then he passed away.
I am glad I stayed, kept my vows.
The one truism…for us, I feel that we each became better people for having known each other ( married 30 years)
G says I also have a good marriage but my wife decided 13 years ago she was done with sex. Not easy to deal with that ,I was only 48 when she did this. At 61 I love my grandchildren, but I am just a finacial provider for my wife.
Leave. Make financial arrangements with a lawyer. Find a place to live. Go.
Nowhere is it written that one must be married. You came into this world as a single person( unless you are a conjoined twin), and you’ll go out of this world as a single person. Be happy, be joyful. I have never been so happy since the day I became single again.