Someone who loves you will make you feel appreciated, supported, respected, and very importantly, they allow you to be yourself. As you might know already, a successful relationship needs equality in order to thrive. Therefore, no one should have more authority than the other, it’s as simple as that.
But when a relationship is no longer treated as a partnership, and your significant other is trying to control its dynamics, chances are they don’t respect you enough. Complaining about the fact that you spend too much money on clothes, or making fun of your new haircut is one thing, but telling you how to cut your hair and what clothes to wear is a whole another topic.
However, even though these things might seem unimportant at first, they might lead to more serious topics, until they ask you to change your religion, studies, career, your personality, or other things that matter to you. As Fran Walfish, PhD, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and co-star of Sex Box on WE tv, has explained, it’s a huge red flag when your significant other is not letting you be yourself.
According to Walfish, in order to be in a healthy relationship, you should resist the urge to control your partner. Instead of trying to change you, a loving partner will help you achieve your goals, and support you even when they would have liked a different path for you. And even when you disagree, communication is key in maintaining a relationship healthy. Read on to discover the things your partner should never ask you to do if they care about you!
1. They ask you to change who you are.
Whether we talk about something as little as your style, or as important as your faith, no one has the right to tell you how you should act, or who you should be. Someone who loves you won’t try to change the things that define you and are important to you.
They might not like that weird hat you wear all the time because you think it’s fashionable, but they love you anyway. Just like they might want you to have the same religion as them, even though they let you decide what’s better for you. This is how a healthy relationship should look like. You need to love your partner for who they are, not try to change them so they meet your standards.
It should be no secret that this next one is problematic…..
2. They ask you to keep secrets and lie for them.
According to Shirani Pathak, PhD, licensed psychotherapist and founder of the Center for Soulful Relationships, someone who loves you will never put you in a position where you have to keep a bad or illegal secret or lie on their behalf, nor you should feel obliged to do it.
Lies and secrets can ruin relationships very quickly, and it’s just not right to ask your significant other to lie on your behalf, especially when it’s illegal and dangerous. They will also put you in a situation where you’ll feel like you have to choose between their love, and doing the right thing.
“If your partner has something to hide and lie about, the best most loving thing you can do is let them deal with the consequences of their own actions,” she says.
You should maybe pass on giving out the next piece of info…..
3. They ask for your phone passcode.
While it’s true that secrets can ruin a relationship very quickly, that doesn’t mean you have no right to privacy, especially when it comes to your phone and social media accounts. According to Michele Kerulis, PhD, a professor of counseling at Northwestern University, if your partner asks for your phone passcode or social media passwords is definitely a red sign and a major boundary violation.
If your partner is constantly asking for your passwords, it’s a sign that they don’t trust you, and a relationship without trust is likely to fail. As Kerulis has explained, your partner should focus on finding out why they do not trust, rather than controlling your social media accounts.
“Trust is the foundation of a healthy and respectful relationship. If you don’t have trust then you’re probably with the wrong partner,” she adds.
Next, forgive the unforgivable?…..
4. They ask you to overlook and forgive cheating.
As Dr. Walfish has explained, a partner that cheated on you just one time will likely do it again, and you’ll find yourself in the exact same situation where you have to forgive and forget. While it’s true that infidelity can be overcome through therapy and by seeking professional help as long as both partners are willing to fight for the relationship, it’s just not fair to expect that the other person will forget.
If your partner asks you to overlook cheating and expects you to just get over it, chances are they don’t love and respect you, and the relationship is likely to fail. Just because you said sorry, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. This can be even more damaging if your partner has cheated on you multiple times in your past, and infidelity is not something you can just forgive and forget, just because your partner said sorry.
As the saying goes ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family’, theirs on the other hand…..
5. They ask you to put up with abuse from their family.
While it’s true that getting along with your in-laws is not always very easy, and it definitely comes with a lot of challenges, you shouldn’t feel like you have to put up with their bad behavior towards you just because your partner wants you to.
According to Julienne Derichs, a licensed counselor and relationship expert at Couples Counseling Today, if your partner is ok with their family insulting, ignoring, or even hurting you, and they even ask you to put up with it, chances are they don’t respect you as you’d deserve. Someone who loves and cares for you will never ask you to accept bad behavior, not even from their family. They should be the ones to take the matter into their own hands and have a proper talk with their family.
If they don’t do that and pretend like nothing happened, or simply ask you to ‘let it go’, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship as soon as possible. If they won’t stand up for you now, they never will.
Make sure to also check: The Most Common Signs That Indicate You’re In A Rebound Relationship.
Not listening to this next one should be easy work…..
6. They ask you to give up your job.
Some men believe that in order to show their masculinity in a relationship, they need to demand the other partner what they should and shouldn’t do, and even though this might work for certain couples, it can do more harm than good for others.
As Dr. Walfish has explained, if your partner asks you to change your career or lessen your abilities or talents is someone that doesn’t love you for who you are. There’s no prescription for a healthy and successful relationship, you just have to respect and support the other person, and expect the same in return.
“I have observed couples establish, nurture, and create very happy, successful relationships in which the female partner becomes the primary breadwinner and the male partner brings in a significantly smaller figure income but shores up the difference by picking up an extra load in homemaking, taking care of the children, cooking, and other household duties,” she says. Here are 10 Telltale Signs Your Partner Sees You As a Fling. CLICK HERE to find out more!
Next, do they want to split things down the middle, or just break them?…..
7. They ask you to make sure everything is equal.
While equality is very important in a relationship, not everything has to be equal. As Dr. Walfish explains, you can’t just split the responsibilities in a relationship fifty-fifty. The secret of a healthy relationship is to learn when it’s your time to compromise and make sacrifices, even though it might not be fair all the time.
You can tell you’re in a healthy relationship when it’s impossible to tell who gives more because you’re just not keeping score, Walfish added. If you’re constantly trying to keep score on who has more points on doing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom, then you’ll end up killing the love very fast.
Also, keeping score can be very exhausting. Truth be told, there will be times in a relationship when you’re going through something that will require your whole attention, so you might not be able to give 50 percent in a relationship, and the other person might have to do the heavy lifting.
However, balance is key to a relationship, and even though your partner might be there for you when you need help, there will also be times when they’ll need help in return. The secret, however, is that neither partner complains when is their turn to give it all in the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with trying new things, to a point…..
8. They ask you to try things you don’t want in the bedroom.
What you choose to do in the bedroom is definitely your choice, but it is very intimate, so your partner should respect your decision of not wanting to do something. As Dr. Pathak has explained, if your partner constantly asks you to do something in between the sheets even though you’ve said no multiple times, it’s a red flag that they do not care about your wants and needs.
Also, they do not respect you and choose to prioritize their needs before your own, even though it involves making you feel uncomfortable or not safe. Additionally, it’s important to acknowledge that even though you’re in a relationship or married if your partner forces you to do something you don’t want in the bedroom, that is still rape.
Here are the 5 Main Stages of a Relationship Every Couple Goes Through. CLICK HERE to find out more about this topic!
Next, violating your First Amendment should be the last straw…..
9. They do not let you talk about certain things.
While it’s true that we all have topics that we don’t like to discuss, demanding someone not to talk about them just because you don’t like it is a big no-no. Also, avoiding certain topics can be very damaging for your relationship, especially if the other person wants to have that discussion with you.
But if your partner forbids you from talking about certain things, is a major boundary violation. According to Dr. Pathak, someone who loves you will never deny your right about speaking about something that’s on your mind, even when they might not like where that discussion is headed. After all, talking will help you get to the root of the problem, so it’s beneficial for the well-being relationship. Just because you want to avoid certain discussions doesn’t mean they shouldn’t happen.
Make sure to also check: 9 Ways to Prevent Paranoia From Ruining Your Relationship.
Finally, no one should want to keep you all to themselves…..
10. They ask you to not hang out with your best friend anymore.
Even though they might not like your best friend, sister, or maid of honor, they have no right to tell you who you can be friend with, and who not. Also, someone who loves you will never put you in a position where you have to choose between their love and your friend that has been there with you through good and bad times.
Asking your partner to cut ties just because you don’t like the person they’re hanging out with is a form of control. As Jennifer C. Walton, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist, and relationship expert have explained, simply because you don’t like certain people doesn’t mean your partner should not like them, too.
While you can tell your partner how you feel, it’s just not right to forbid them from seeing that person again. Trying to control your partner will only contribute to destroying your relationship with time.