The 8 Questions to Ask Yourself
Find a quiet moment to consider these questions. You might want to write down your thoughts in a private journal. The goal is not to rush to a conclusion but to sit with your experiences and listen to what your heart and mind are telling you. Be as specific as you can, thinking of recent examples from the last few weeks or months.
1. Do I feel consistently drained or anxious around my partner?
Think about how your body feels before, during, and after you interact. Does your stomach clench when you hear their car in the driveway? Do you feel a sense of relief when they leave the room? While everyone needs alone time, a persistent feeling of dread or exhaustion in your partner’s presence is a significant red flag. This emotional and physical fatigue is often a symptom of chronic stress. Your nervous system may be in a constant state of high alert, anticipating criticism, conflict, or emotional neglect. This is different from the comfortable silence of a secure partnership; it is a silence filled with tension. Pay attention to physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or poor sleep, as they can be connected to the emotional strain of a difficult relationship.
Actionable Step: For the next three days, take a moment at noon and in the evening to check in with your body. On a scale of 1 (calm) to 10 (anxious/drained), where are you? Jot down the number and a brief note about what was happening at that moment. This is data for you, not evidence for an argument.
2. Is communication constructive or corrosive?
Conflict is inevitable, but communication style determines whether it strengthens or weakens a bond. Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns so destructive that he called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism attacks a person’s character (“You are so lazy”) instead of addressing a specific behavior (“I felt worried when the bill wasn’t paid”). Contempt is criticism laced with disgust and disrespect, often involving sarcasm, name-calling, or mockery. It is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner (“I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…”) instead of taking any responsibility. Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down completely, refusing to engage, respond, or make eye contact. This is often a response to feeling emotional flooding, a state of being so psychologically overwhelmed that it’s impossible to have a productive conversation. If these patterns are the norm in your arguments, your communication has become corrosive.
Actionable Step: The next time you feel a disagreement starting, try to use an “I-statement.” An I-statement is a way of expressing your feelings and needs without blame. The formula is: “I feel [your emotion] when [specific behavior] because [the impact on you]. What I need is [a specific request].” For example: “I feel lonely when we watch TV in separate rooms all evening because I miss connecting with you. What I need is maybe 20 minutes of conversation before we turn it on.”
3. Is there a pattern of control or excessive jealousy?
Healthy partnerships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other’s autonomy. In a toxic dynamic, one partner may try to exert control over the other. This can be overt, like demanding to know where you are at all times, checking your phone or emails without permission, or controlling the family finances down to the last penny, leaving you with no personal access to money. It can also be more subtle, such as making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family, belittling your hobbies or career goals, or using phrases like, “If you really loved me, you would…” to manipulate your choices. This behavior is not a sign of deep love; it’s a sign of insecurity and a desire for power. It isolates you from your support system, making you more dependent on your partner and eroding your sense of self.
Actionable Step: Make a small, independent choice this week. Reconnect with a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, visit the library by yourself, or sign up for a community class. The goal is to take one step toward reclaiming a piece of your individual identity and observing how you feel and how your partner responds.
4. Do I feel respected as an individual?
This question goes hand-in-hand with the issue of control. Respect in a relationship means your partner values your opinions, honors your boundaries, and supports your personal growth, even when your paths diverge. Do they listen when you talk about something important to you, or do they dismiss your interests? Do they celebrate your successes, or do they seem to resent them? A toxic pattern emerges when your partner consistently minimizes your accomplishments, belittles your thoughts, or makes important decisions without consulting you. You might find yourself shrinking, quieting your ambitions, or downplaying your intelligence to keep the peace. In a healthy partnership, you should feel encouraged to be your fullest self, not a smaller, more convenient version.
Actionable Step: Identify one personal goal you have been putting off, whether it’s learning a new skill, focusing on a health habit, or tackling a project. Write it down. Spend just 15 minutes this week working toward it. This act of prioritizing your own growth is a powerful reminder of your individual worth.
5. Are repair attempts successful, or do conflicts fester?
As mentioned earlier, repair attempts are crucial. In a healthy relationship, when one partner offers an apology or a gesture of peace, the other is generally willing to accept it, allowing the couple to move on. In a toxic dynamic, conflicts rarely find true resolution. Arguments might end because someone gives up from exhaustion, but the underlying resentment remains. Repair attempts may be ignored or rejected. Past mistakes are often brought up repeatedly in future fights, a behavior known as “kitchen-sinking.” The feeling is one of being stuck in a loop of the same unresolved issues. If you feel that no matter how much you apologize or try to make things right, the conflict never truly ends, it’s a sign that your relationship has lost its ability to heal itself.
Actionable Step: The next time a minor disagreement occurs, observe the repair process. Does anyone try to de-escalate? If so, what do they say or do? How is it received? If no repair is attempted, consider what a small repair might have looked like. For example, could a simple, “You’re right, I’m sorry I interrupted,” have changed the tone of the conversation?
6. Do I find myself hiding things or walking on eggshells?
This is a powerful indicator of emotional safety—or the lack thereof. If you consistently find yourself editing your stories, hiding purchases, or avoiding certain topics to prevent an argument or a negative reaction from your partner, you are living in a state of fear. This “walking on eggshells” is a coping mechanism to manage an unpredictable or highly critical environment. You may downplay good news to avoid making your partner jealous or hide a mistake to avoid a disproportionate outburst of anger. This constant self-monitoring is exhausting and erodes intimacy and trust. A healthy relationship should be a place where you can be your authentic self, imperfections and all, without fear of punishment or ridicule.
Actionable Step: Think of one small truth you’ve been hiding or downplaying (e.g., that you enjoyed lunch with a friend, that you’re proud of a small accomplishment). You don’t necessarily have to share it with your partner yet. The first step is simply to acknowledge to yourself that you are self-censoring and reflect on why you feel it’s necessary.
7. Is there a balance of give and take?
Long-term partnerships require a fluid balance of support. Sometimes one partner needs more, and sometimes the other does. This is especially true when dealing with health issues or caregiving responsibilities. However, in a toxic relationship, the imbalance becomes chronic and one-sided. One person may consistently do the majority of the emotional labor—anticipating needs, soothing feelings, planning social events, and managing the household’s emotional temperature. One partner’s needs, career, and well-being may always take precedence. You may feel more like a function (a caregiver, an earner, a housekeeper) than a cherished partner. If your attempts to ask for help or support are met with dismissal or resentment, it’s a sign that the partnership has become fundamentally unequal.
Actionable Step: Identify one thing you need help with this week—a chore, a decision, or simply 30 minutes of uninterrupted time for yourself. Practice asking for it directly and specifically. “I would appreciate it if you could handle dinner on Thursday, as I have a late appointment.” The response will provide valuable information about the balance in your relationship.
8. Can I picture a healthy, happy future with this person?
When you look ahead one, five, or ten years, what do you see? Hope and shared dreams are the fuel of a long-term partnership. If the thought of the future fills you with anxiety or a sense of resignation, it is a profound sign that something is wrong. You may find it difficult to imagine enjoying retirement together, traveling, or simply sitting in peaceful companionship. A toxic relationship can steal your hope, leaving you feeling trapped in an endless present. While it’s normal to have fears about aging or the future, a complete inability to envision a joyful future with your partner suggests that, on a deep level, you know the current dynamic is unsustainable for your spirit.
Actionable Step: Spend 10 minutes visualizing a happy, peaceful day for yourself five years from now. Don’t force your partner into the picture. Just focus on what you are doing, where you are, and how you feel. This exercise is about reconnecting with your own vision for happiness, which is a necessary foundation for making any decisions about your relationship.
