Have you been single for a while now, and you’re wondering why?
We need to clarify one thing first: There’s nothing wrong with being single. You need to be single to grow as a person and you should definitely not let the people in your life define you as a person. Flying solo can be a healthier option, especially for those who have been in several toxic relationships in the past.
While you could be single for many reasons such as chemistry, still hung up on an ex, or a hectic life, it’s also important to understand all the factors that might be sabotaging your relationships. But don’t forget that it takes two to make things work and to ‘ruin’ a relationship.
And even if you might not want to sabotage your relationships, your actions could signify a totally different thing. If you always find yourself wondering ‘Why I am still single?’ remember that your behavior could be the one that ruins all your encounters.
Read on to discover the 10 reasons why you’re still single, according to relationship experts!
You’re very critical.
Being very critical occurs when individuals feel like they’re not getting enough attention from their partner, explains NY Health & Integrative Therapy psychologist Dr. Sara Glazer. Being critical can be a result of the perceived distance, which can contribute to bad behavior in order to get the response they want.
According to Glazer, “A partner might attack the character of the partner, calling [them] ‘selfish’ or commenting on a partner’s behavior in a critical manner, such as, ‘You are sensitive to everyone’s needs but mine.’”
This type of insecure behavior can push people away, so it could be one of the reasons why you’re still single.
You become highly defensive/you make your partner highly defensive.
Being highly defensive is linked to being highly critical, which could explain why you’re still single. If you’re in a relationship with someone that always critiques your behavior, you might find yourself becoming highly defensive by refusing to take responsibility or deflecting the blame, says Dr. Glazer.
If you’re highly defensive with your partner or they’re highly defensive with you you will find it very hard to communicate because chances are you won’t like to admit your faults. You need to learn how to communicate openly with your partner and try to focus on finding solutions for your problems, instead of avoiding conversation and acting defensive.
You expect your partner to be exactly how you want them to be.
First of all, we’re all humans and we all make mistakes. If you’re not perfect, you shouldn’t expect others to be. While having a partner whom you love is a great feeling, it’s important to remember that they’re not meant to act like you want them to act.
According to sexologist, relationship expert, and We-Vibe sex expert Dr. Jess O’Reilly, if you create such high expectations for your partner and put a lot of pressure on them, your relationship won’t last and you’ll end up single.
She also explained that you shouldn’t rely on a single person to fulfill your emotional, practical, financial, spiritual, and sexual needs. “Turn to friends, family, and other sources of support instead of relying on one person for everything.”
You avoid conflict at all costs
Most people assume that avoiding conflicts and refusing to engage in arguments is very healthy, but it would more beneficial if you learned how to communicate your problems and share what’s on your mind, instead of keeping things to yourself, which will eventually lead to frustration, anger, and you being single, explains Dr. O’Reilly.
“Couples who avoid conflict and sweep differences under the rug often deal with heightened tension, as differences are perceived as some of the greatest threats to the relationship,” she explains.
Once you start talking about the things that are bothering you, and you learn to listen to your partner you’ll see that arguments can be healthy if they help you find solutions and closure.
You’ve moved on from criticism to contempt.
According to Dr. Glazer, if you’ve reached a point in a relationship where everything about your partner irritates you but you still don’t want to leave them, it could turn into toxic behavior and you might start calling them names and talk badly in an effort to put up with them. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s better to walk away and be single, than to be in a relationship where you can’t communicate. Also, if your partner is making you filled with contempt there’s no point in continuing to keep them in your life.
You engage in stonewalling.
According to Dr. Glazer, stonewalling is a term used to describe the act of ignoring someone, without taking into consideration their feelings and needs. For instance, stonewalling includes giving someone the silent treatment as a punishment for something they did, or simply leaving a situation without discussing it. This type of behavior can make the other person feel alone and abandoned, which is one of the worst feelings to have in a relationship, so don’t be surprised if this will destroy your bond, leading you to enter the single life.
You refuse to communicate and judge your partner
This is often the result of stonewalling. Your partner might feel like you’re judging them if you’re not willing to have an open conversation about something that matters to them. According to Dr. O’Reilly, the secret of a healthy relationship is finding ways to communicate about the things that are bothering you, and the things that are bothering your partner, without being judgy.
You shouldn’t expect to have a partner that wants the exact things as you because that’s unrealistic. Compatibility means being willing to take into consideration other perspectives without judging the other person and putting the same amount of effort and compromise in order to make things work.
For example, if you’re a more romantic person but your partner prefers wild orgies, you could meet somewhere in the middle if you’re open to take into consideration their perspective and desires. It’s definitely healthier than just saying ‘No way’.
Of course, you could still say no if something that you don’t want, just don’t make your ‘no’ a conversation killer. Unless you want to end up single.
You don’t like to talk about your feelings.
If you didn’t get the hint already, if you want to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship, you need to master the art of communication. According to Dr. O’Reilly, you’ll create an even stronger bond when you learn to express vulnerability, to talk about your fears, insecurities, jealousies, and other not-so-great feelings.
Life is not peachy and perfect, but when all your unpleasant feelings are met with love and reassurance, your relationship will become stronger. You shouldn’t be afraid to open up to your partner and talk about your feelings, after all, your relationship should be your safe haven, the place where you can be yourself, even if it means being vulnerable from time to time.
You need to ask yourself these questions: What scares me the most? What holds me back in my personal relationships? What makes me feel jealous? When I’m my most confident self? What makes me feel insecure?
As you start thinking about the answer to all these questions, make sure you’re focusing on your feelings, instead of blaming your partner for your insecurities. For instance, if you’re a jealous person, talk to them about the things that make you feel jealous and make sure to consider their point of view as well. You’re not single anymore. They’re point of view matters as well. By learning how to talk about the most uncomfortable things you can turn a negative situation that could generate a conflict into a positive one.
You’re very demanding.
I get that when you’re in love, you want to spend a lot of time with that person, but there is such a thing as being too demanding. And nobody likes to be pressured into doing something, including requiring frequent texting/calls, telling someone how to dress, how much money to spend, or even who they’re ‘allowed’ to spend time with.
These patterns can be easy to spot, but being very demanding can also mean following your partner everywhere they go, including from one room to another, not letting them have some personal time, or raising your voice in conversation just because you want to gain control, explains Dr. Glazer.
The good news is that you can avoid the things mentioned above by simply having an open conversation with your partner. If you can’t manage to talk to them about your needs and the things that make you so demanding, then you’re better off single until you figure it out.
You don’t like to talk about lovemaking.
Intimacy is a very important part of every adult relationship, and you shouldn’t be afraid to discuss it, too. According to O’Reilly, “Talking about sex leads to more fulfilling sex, so don’t avoid these conversations, even if you find them uncomfortable.”
She suggests talking about the three important F’s: feelings, frequency, and fantasy. You need to talk about your core erotic feelings without feeling ashamed or embarrassed, after all, you’re speaking to your partner, not with a stranger. Talk about your desires, she adds. Do you need to feel loved and desired? Do you want compliments? Do you want to feel safe/challenged/ sexy?
We’re all different so you shouldn’t expect your partner to read minds. Firstly, you need to understand your own desires in order to take measures.
Additionally, frequency is also a very important aspect. You’re not single anymore. You need to be on the same page on when, how often, and where to get intimate with your partner. If you’re desired don’t line up, you won’t manage to be fully satisfied and one might search outside the relationship for fulfillment.
According to Dr. O’Reilly, frequency is even more important than quality, that’s why you shouldn’t neglect talking about this aspect. You might not always want the same things, that’s why it’s vital to find a common ground so both of you feel satisfied and fulfilled.
Lastly, but not least, don’t be afraid to talk about your fantasies. Talk about a sex scene you saw on TV that sparked your interest, tell them what you like and what turns you on. After all, a healthy relationship is the one where you can talk about the most uncomfortable things without feeling judged.
According to Dr. Glazer, you need to talk about your emotional needs and learn to express them in safe and constructive manners. If you manage to understand why you act the way you do, you might find answers to why you’re still single, and learn how to work on yourself so you don’t sabotage every relationship you have. Need some help finding love again? Check THIS out!
If you enjoyed reading this article on why you might still be single, we also recommend reading: 7 Toxic Relationship Red Flags You MUST Watch Out For