They Compare You And Your Relationship To Other People
Making comparisons to other people’s wives or husbands isn’t something your partner should be doing. Your partner’s coworker’s wife may have dinner on the table every night, but your spouse isn’t married to her.
If he belittles you by comparing you to another man or woman, that’s a low blow. No man or woman ever wants to hear that their partner’s acquaintance is better, and that seems to be especially true for men. They find it emasculating.
Instead of making these small comparisons, try getting your partner to understand how you feel and to see what you do for each other. It might just motivate you both to do more of the same.
In the end, let’s be honest. When someone keeps pointing out our flaws, it doesn’t end positively.
70 Responses
Well life is real hectic now days . And some people will get caught up in materialistic value And they end up losing the race to rats and then caught up in ticking traps that they can’t fine to release lever back to reality.
Help.
Is your relationship like this? Maybe suggest counseling? See what they say or how they act with that suggestion.
Had an affair an with the woman next door is my house when I was out and about. 67 yrs old! She is 42. We built this retirement home together
In my house! Iam safely at my daughter’s home, waiting to serve him
LIMERENCE is the sddiction.
Translation please . Makes no sense .
WHAT?
Her 67 year old husband had an affair with the 42 year old next door neighbor while she, his wife, was out and about.
all true and being a bullie is what I exspierenced in my last marriage, monitoring every phone call complaining about a small item that didn’t have in front of company making me pay for almost all of groceries except a fraction, continuously pressuring me to buy the whole store out and go to the store daily Restricting who can come into the house. Putting on a behavior mask when people are around. I stuck it out for years not happy with the outcome. I finally reached my tolerance level and left after 16 years.
Congratulations you deserve to be happy and away from the pain of the men who put on the mask 😷 many people will put on their mask with their smile turned upside down
Proud of you. I’m in a 12 year relationship w a 9 & 6 year old who clearly love us dearly, especially together. But they don’t understand the complexity of it all just yet. And I suppose they don’t need to know right now. But I think of leaving every single day. You did it!!! It’s only up from there. ::tips hat to you:: 🧢
I can relate to everything you’re saying! Narcissism is a REAL THING! I lasted 3 years. No way could I have lasted 16 years! That’s amazing! You obviously have the patience of JOB! Yes, it’s amazing how they pretend to be your Knight in Shining Armor in front of friends and family, but treat you like a slave when you’re friends and family are not around! It’s so sad! Toxic, tumultuous, etc. Head for the hills! Life is too short! I hope you’re in a happy place/space now! God Bless!
Here are 7 major things your partner should NEVER say to you:
Lifetime Warranty is what comes up.
First sign of an abusive relationship: They don’t want you to see or talk to your family and friends. They want you “all for themselves.”
It could be what you think. It also could be that THERE IS something toxic with you, your relatives and your family. It is difficult to decide because no specific reasons for this behavior is provided. These things should be worked in couple’s therapy.
I was married to a so called man I knew his family well and thought I knew him man was I wrong. He beat me even though I only have one leg and couldn’t run away from him. He told me, I have papers on you meaning marriage license well after a year and half I tore those papers up. He was a drug user. One night he even shot a gun at me telling me to dance when a nut is shooting at you you will move . One time he beat me so bad I couldn’t open my eyes. One time he was in the car and demanded me to get in but this time I didn’t because I heard that small steal voice say don’t get in that car the voice of God. I left that day and never went back. He could be around people and put on a face that you would never believe he could do such things. Sooo true
I think my whole life has had these kind of possessive nightmares
Wow, this caught my eye because I thought it would convince me to leave my husband, but instead, it convinced me that he should leave me. 🙁 Guess what, I hope he does what he should do, except, he will never read an article like this. 🙁 Not even if I asked him too.
Thinking he should you indicates you really need psychological help.
Instead of hoping for the split, or worse divorce, get ahead of it since you recognize it now. Talk to your husband about how you feel. Ask him if he would agree to help you make the marriage healthier by going to some marriage counseling.
I know from personal experience, it’s easier said than done. I read this article for the same reason you read it. I’m wondering why, when I knew all these signs were there, did I get married? Was I foolish enough to think he was going to change, like he said he would?! Apparently so. 🙄
Janice same!! Like damn if he didn’t break that trust or do things that are stupid (drinking too much when he can’t tolerate it) i wouldn’t a have to question where he is going, but I guess that’s a bad thing to do.
Yeah…hanging out in the wee hours with all the drunks and addicts did not make for a good marriage….I did have my hissy fits and boundaries….he died from an overdose so I guess I had my reasons to try to limit certain activities….
True he’ll tell you it’s all your fault
Politic does, religion too. The tension is choking you by the unwritten lines.
“He” was controlled by his sister, I felt like I was living in a LMN Movie. She said bad things about me, then he got angry – he ended up going to jail, I made the mistake and dropped the charges,
to make a story short, he is now living with “her”, I am still trying to get on with my life.
Lesson learned.
I appreciate this information. I am dating out of the seven they do one, which is not allowing me to share my relationship views. They say I ALWAYS want to argue. But I say if you answer the relationship question(s) to the best of your availability I won’t ALWAYS ask. I will keep asking until I get a satisfactory response.
That sounds like abuse.
Satisfactory or the answer you want. Be careful what you ask for you might just get it
I really love this information. I am struggling in my 30 year relationship and sadly I am recognizing that all of these topics are happening in my relationship.
But I never realized the severity of the problem. Thank you for opening my eyes.
I am truly appreciative for all of this information.
Now I need to do something about it.
Im so tired of struggling to be happy
Good column and open eyes for blind abusive relationships…
The phone thing is plain wrong. If you trust your partner then you should care less if he goes thru your phone. I know this from first hand experience. My wife was having an affair so she always had an excuse why I didn’t need to go thru her phone. Then one day I answered her phone while she was in the bathroo. The advice should be. If your partner doesn’t want you to see her phone then it is time to leave. You don’t have to look at her phone because she obviously doesn’t trust you
I agree trust is the most important thing
I agree. My husband had an affair and didn’t want me to see his phone when the beginning of our marriage he could less.
You already didn’t trust her — the fact that you NEEDED to see her phone proved that. I’ve been happily married for over 50 years and I wouldn’t give any of my passcodes to my husband — why would he need them?
And he got cheated on. Obviously, he was right not to trust her.
I don’t think any person has a right to go through someone telephone unless a stranger died and you needed to try to find a relative. I have been happily divorced since 1980, married my high school sweetheart who was a severe alcoholic, had a great job in the beginning working for a Petro Chemical Corporation, then went into real estate where he tripled the booze, many different women (lots). I was so self confident when I married him and cute, we had two children and I didn’t want them to be without a dad (but he was never a dad). After eleven years I filed for divorce and that really pissed him off and he did everything he could to bury me financially and he did. But I got a job anyway and after a few years started dating and met the most fantastic guy I would ever meet. We were together for 8 years, but he had a lot of exwife problems with her trying to control our relationship. I loved him but no longer had the energy to keep trying to fix things, so told him I loved him, which I did and kissed him goodbye forever and moved to San Diego. Worked until I retired and was very happy. That was the end of my relationships, so figured I had the worst and then had the best. He is always in my heart and the great memories were enough to last me the rest of my life. I realized you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy. Happiness is what you create for yourself. I have had a great life and ended the drama. I make myself happy and still see so many miserable married people, have known a few happy married couples. Marriage is not for everyone. Many people can be totally happy without it:)))))
I agree! I think couples should share their phones access otherwise, it plants a seed of distrust. Cell phones and internet capability makes being a POS a lot easier these days. To me, in a committed relationship, it illustrates, there is nothing to hide. If no access, why? Something is going on the person doesn’t want the other to find out.
True ! If a partner doesn’t have to hide anything then it’s fine to peruse or use the phone, otherwise it’s would create trust issues! I leave my phone anywhere at home and I don’t care if my BF would play games to no ends with my phone and I’ll do the same to his phone and that’s Trust !
I lived that life before and after the Pandemic. It was as a living hell. I had nowhere to go or a place I could afford. Therapy was too expensive. He kept tabs on me all the time. The only time I was without him was when I was at work. It is as my refuge. I eventually moved out but keep in touch with him. I can’t seem to let go and the same for him. Co-dependency is an crippling prison!
Co dependency is totally crippling. Let him go and see what God has waiting for you. Do not look for another one like him (that IS co-dependency). look for someone that makes you laugh like when you were a kid, and makes you smile and loves to make YOU happy!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe it’s the fear of being alone. Or that you aren’t ready to let go of each other. If you keep trying and don’t get anywhere it’s time to move on no matter how hard that is. Life is to short to be miserable and unhappy in a relationship. Do you attend church? See if your church has a counselor that you could talk to. I understand therapy is expensive. Good luck
Sounds more like mutual being weak willed
I agree and disagree with the first one. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to have a passcode on your phone without your partner needing to have it but, there shouldn’t be a reason why they couldn’t see what’s on your phone either. My husband and I don’t have passcodes on our phones, but we also don’t need to look at each other’s phones. He could look at mine if he wanted to and vice versa though.
My husband doesn’t like it when I cry. I get no empathy from him. When I hurt, I cry. He gets upset and says” what’s wrong now?”.
Relate to this very well. A very good person passed away, and hubby came an and knew I was upset, hubby asked why I was set, told hubby, he just told me said stop being upset and walked out of the room
He’s empathy deficit. Hope it gets better. Read the book the emotionally distant man .
He is most likely a narcissist. Mine the same way.
This info is a tough pill… How it gets to the 7 signs is always unoticed… Eventually, you’re in too deep, suffocated + unhappy… Battling your way out is tiresome + expensive… I separated once and may need to again… This time far more challenges… Finding peace where I can until I locate the Best resolution…
Help me
What to do when son in law threatens to see our family less or not at all unless we do….. or don’t do….. His perception of us is all wrong. He “sees” things that aren’t there and convinces my daughter that we are bad for her.
You don’t allow your son in law to control your lives. He really just wants to control your daughter’s life. I would tell her that when she has had enough of his control, she can come back into your lives. I don’t think it will take her long to see what he is really dong, unless he is right???? Then she will see that too.
First I would never let anyone dictate terms for my family. Second explain what you think is happening with your son in law. Then if she picks him let her live with it. I guarantee he will show
his true colors to her soon enough. That’s just my opinion and I am sticking to it.
lt falls under the better or worse category. Ask the higher power to relieve the depression in both you and significant other. Get yourself right first. You can see why therapy can be so important. Start asking the creator for help. It must be daily and then the reward is life giving.
I agree to this, I will begin this therapy and turn to my Creator. I know I need a lot of Peace & Happiness
Whew! My wife and I are safe. 🙃
We can open each other’s phones with fingerprints, but I can’t imagine her browsing my phone. We did it for emergencies. I’m an Emergency Response Team member, and she needs to answer if I’m out weeding or something. I’d no more browse her phone than I would steal from a friend. Ain’t happening.
You may not believe me, but we’ve been together six and a half years, married for almost a year, and we have never had cross words, let alone a fight. We just seem to understand each other, and we’re best friends. We go places, we game together, go on little trips. I’m American, she’s German, so I moved to Bavaria. My job is portable, she works for the government, so it made sense.
I lived a couple of kilometers from the beach, and to her was exotic. Five minutes to So Cal beaches! Great Mexican food! A half hour to the mountains! Where we live now was originally a Roman settlement. Castles! Really old stuff! The Danube!
I’ve driven by the ocean all my life. She’s driven past 1000 year old castles. Where you live isn’t exotic to you. It’s just home.
My point is this: don’t let life scare you into settling for what you know is bad. I think most people go into a relationship they shouldn’t knowing that they shouldn’t. We do it anyway. I couldn’t fantasize a better wife. We didn’t rush. Being on separate continents gave us time to really get to know each other. Even living on the same street you should date, get to know each other. The bed isn’t going anywhere. Any person who really likes and respects you will be willing to wait for you. You can get someone with sex, but you can’t keep them with it. A great piece of advice I got was not to get too serious with anyone until I’d been through a bad cold and a stressful situation with them.
Any one of those seven things would, and some have, sent me on my way. All seven? Wow. I’ve seen lists posted by both men and women of the rules their partner wanted. If they want to live like that, cool. I’d read the list, laugh, and walk.
Apologies for the length. Good luck to everyone.
I Love that a couple is together and so In Love with each other that way..Many Continued Blessing for both of you
First, let me say I can’t make my husband do anything, but when one commits to marriage there are certain responsibilities that come with that. I consider it common courtesy in a relationship that a partner communicate when and where they will be and yes, even ask if they will be needed before gallivanting off, especially if children are involved. I don’t know what is meant by “limiting where you can go,” but I will most certainly put up a stink if my husband is off having fun all the time while I’m at home with the babies. We have a 4 month old and another baby on the way and I will not be the sole caregiver in this partnership. Call it abusive if you want, but discussing when and how long either one of you will be gone is not unreasonable to me.
I agree. After 33 years, this is becoming more and more of a source of conflict. She leaves for “one or two hours” but manages to be gone for five or six. I’m the bad guy for asking the wife “hey, what’s up?” Couples have to be accountable to each other. Hmmm, trust is a two way street.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has any of those traits, the first thing to ask is why. Most people would leave immediately after the other person shows any of those traits, if you didn’t then find out what’s wrong with you. And when you leave. You don’t stay friends, or text or anything. You treat the person like the don’t exist. If you can’t do that then find out why. Having any contact with a controlling person is dangerous.
Absolutely agree with Your assessment of the issue was exactly as I thought! And this is of note, why? You ask. Because my brain being female seems to disprove your current statement whereby my female brain, objects to the common assertion that males brains do better than
Absolutely agree with Your assessment of the issue was exactly as I thought! And this is of note, why? You ask. Because my brain being female seems to disprove your current statement whereby my female brain, objects to the common assertion
that males brains do better than
Female brains in the areas of maths and sciences specifically.
Hi I had many of these traits aimed at me in my marriage. I was controlled by him. He never complimented me in front of friends but treated like I did not exist . I tried communicating with partner to no extent. He did not communicate with me! Then he had affairs with other women and eventually left. When we were married he showed anger and threw things across the room. When he started waving a knife in front of my face I took the kids and left briefly afraid of being killed by him. He would never see a therapist(only for himself not to save our marriage). I discovered I was married to a Narcist, as everything was for him. Very greedy and needy person! Thank God I divorced him. It was not easy bringing up my teenager by myself but I survived and am no longer a victim but a strong, surving person!
Wtf…
You start with a story about 7areas of bull shit and wonder off to lala land. What’s the god damage point.
All these fucking story end up in lala land…
WTF…
Every one of these offenses fit my ex
As a psychotherapist for decades I fou and that no on can change their behavior by simply being told what to do. The behavior is linked to someone in the past and this behavior worked to maintain a relationship to this person. With severely difficult relationships it generally takes professional help and usually it takes a long time to resolve very difficult problems. I regret to say. Advice alone is not helpful
I disagree with the first 4 or 5 things. She has given me reasons to occasionally go through her phone and found more permiscuas behavior with other men when she was telling me she loved me, she was telling her “guy friends” that she was boxing my things up for separation. She has lived the single life for many years and now that I’m in her life, we are working on being right for each other, we vibe great when we are vibing and trying to become one.
my husband use to complain that I help my family too much. When we got married, I was out of work from something that happened to me on my job that was not my fault. He told me it was ok, that he would support me financially no matter what happened, but the complete opposite happened and i ended up having to live off of my good credit to survive, which is something i never had to do before marrying him. Then i was told I was irresponsible and didn’t know how to handle money, still while I could not work. Money is the only thing my husband cares about and not wanting me to have any of his . I discussed all these things with him prior to getting married , my mistake was actually trusting him in the first place. We had an extremely good relationship in every way, until I couldn’t work. Now I wake up every day resenting him and regret ever trusting him. I was there for him through so many things in the past prior to what happened to me, but hhhhe has not been here for me. Extremely disappointed and feel like I was totally love bombed.
One must love oneself, work on yourself before you can work on someone else.
I’m an alcoholic.
It sounds like this article was written by a cheating whore
There’s nothing wrong with having things 50/50. It’s the best path
Some of this is bull shit. When a spouse cheats either sexually or emotionally they lose the right to private pass codes for phone, emails etc. This is per therapists. It is only until the betrayed spouse feels comfortable and safe enough from the immense hurt that was caused for the betrayer to get those privileges back with restored trust. I was betrayed 30 years ago, forgave and restored my trust with pass codes, emails, texts, etc only to find out last year that he was in an emotional affair for the last 15 years. Do the math. I trusted him again and 15 years into the restored trust he was at it again ripping my heart to shreds for the past 15 years with with just finding out a year ago.
It talks about whereabouts and who you can see or not see making it a control issue. How about talking about healthy boundaries that both of you agree on that could entail some of these very things?
A person isn’t just given trust they earn it. If one has been betrayed the betrayer should not be allowed to continue hurting their spouse with such freedoms and privileges. They deserve the lack of privacy because of their own actions.
Also…there is the mommy’s boy who does no wrong. He places priority on all others why his spouse is last on the priority list.
This article is so jaded to not include what the victims of a betrayer goes through. It seems as though this article protects the possible betrayer. I disagree with looking at it from a different standpoint. Be careful with what you are writing and make sure you cover all sides of the situations in marriage. This gives a selfish spouse free rain to do what ever they want. Alot of betrayers would use this article for their benefit causing more trauma and victims. This gives them permission to abuse.