When Forgiveness Feels Impossible: Acknowledging the Barriers
While the benefits are clear, the path to forgiveness is rarely simple. It is completely normal and valid to feel that forgiving someone is out of reach, especially when the wound is deep. Acknowledging these barriers without judgment is a critical part of the process. Pushing yourself to “just forgive” before you are ready can be counterproductive and lead to feelings of shame or failure.
The severity of the hurt is perhaps the most significant barrier. Forgiveness for a minor slight is very different from forgiveness for profound betrayal, abuse, or trauma. In cases of trauma, the process is far more complex and often requires the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist. The brain’s survival mechanisms can make it incredibly difficult to let go of the hypervigilance and anger associated with the event.
Another common barrier is the fear of vulnerability. Forgiving can feel like lowering your defenses, making you susceptible to being hurt again by the same person or in a similar situation. This fear is a protective instinct. It is important to remember that forgiveness and setting boundaries are complementary skills. You can forgive someone while also implementing firm boundaries to ensure your emotional and physical safety.
Sometimes, resentment can be intertwined with our sense of identity. Holding onto a grudge can feel like a way of honoring the pain we endured. It can feel as though letting go of the anger means minimizing the harm that was done. There can also be a feeling that forgiving the other person lets them “win” or escape accountability. This is where reframing forgiveness as an act for yourself becomes so powerful. Your healing is not their victory; it is yours.
Social pressure can also be a complicating factor. Well-meaning friends or family might urge you to “move on” or “let it go” before you have had the chance to process your feelings. This can invalidate your experience and add a layer of guilt to your pain. Your timeline for healing is your own. It is okay to tell others, “I appreciate your concern, but I need to work through this at my own pace.”
Finally, the pursuit of justice can feel at odds with forgiveness. You may believe that the person does not “deserve” your forgiveness until they have apologized or made amends. While an apology can be helpful, waiting for one often means putting your healing in someone else’s hands. True forgiveness is a unilateral decision you make for your own freedom, regardless of whether the other person ever acknowledges their wrongdoing.
