A Practical Guide: How to Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a skill that can be cultivated over time. It is not a switch you flip, but a path you walk. The following steps are based on established psychological models and can serve as a map for your journey. Move through them at your own pace, and remember to treat yourself with compassion along the way.
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Pain and Anger
You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge. The first step is to allow yourself to fully feel the pain, anger, sadness, or betrayal caused by the event. Many of us are taught to suppress “negative” emotions, but this only causes them to fester. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings without judgment. One of the most effective ways to do this is through journaling.
Actionable Skill: The Unfiltered Journal. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes. Find a private space and write down everything you are feeling about the situation. Do not worry about grammar, spelling, or making sense. Write for your eyes only. Describe what happened, who was involved, and how it made you feel then and now. Be brutally honest. This act of naming and externalizing your emotions can reduce their intensity and make them feel more manageable.
Step 2: Understand the Hurt from a Different Perspective
This step, often called reframing or cognitive reappraisal, can be challenging but is crucial. The goal is not to excuse the other person’s behavior but to loosen its emotional grip on you by seeing it in a broader context. Hurt people often hurt people. Could the person who harmed you have been acting from a place of their own pain, ignorance, or limitations? This humanizes them—not to absolve them, but to help you see the situation as a tragic human interaction rather than a personal, malicious attack solely on you.
Actionable Skill: The Simple Thought Record. This is a tool adapted from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a well-researched form of psychotherapy. It helps you examine your automatic thoughts.
Worked Mini-Example:
Situation: My adult son didn’t visit during the holidays, even though he promised he would.
Automatic Thought: “He doesn’t love or respect me. I am not a priority in his life at all.” (Emotion: Deeply hurt, angry)
Evidence For This Thought: He broke his promise. He has been distant lately.
Evidence Against This Thought: He has a very demanding new job and two young children. He called to apologize and sounded genuinely exhausted and upset. He has always been there for me in major crises in the past.
A More Balanced Thought: “I am deeply hurt that he didn’t visit, and it’s okay to feel that. However, his absence is likely more about the intense stress in his own life right now than a reflection of his love for me. It’s possible for him to love me and still make a disappointing choice.”
Step 3: Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive
After acknowledging your pain and reframing the event, you may reach a point where you feel ready to make a conscious choice. Forgiveness is an act of will. It is a commitment you make to yourself to let go of the burden of resentment. This may not be a grand, cinematic moment. It can be a quiet, private decision.
Actionable Skill: A Commitment Statement. You can say this aloud, write it in your journal, or simply think it to yourself. It could be something like: “For the sake of my own peace and well-being, I make the choice today to release my resentment toward [Person’s Name] for [the action]. I am doing this for me.” You may need to repeat this commitment many times, and that’s okay. Each time, you are reinforcing your intention to heal.
Step 4: Reclaim Your Power
The final stage of forgiveness involves shifting your focus away from the past and onto your present and future. When you are no longer investing your energy in the grievance, you have more energy to invest in a life that brings you joy and meaning. This is about finding your own sense of peace and purpose, independent of the person who hurt you.
Actionable Skill: Behavioral Activation. This technique encourages you to engage in positive activities, even when you don’t feel like it, to improve your mood. Make a list of small, enjoyable, or meaningful activities. Each day, schedule one of them. For example: “Tuesday at 10 a.m., I will take a 15-minute walk in the park and listen to the birds.” or “Thursday evening, I will call my supportive sister just to chat.” This practice gradually rebuilds a life centered on your values, not your past hurts.
