3. Love is always conditional
Healthy love coming from a parent is a constant source of encouragement and support. It’s a thing we’ve all heard: parents love their children unconditionally. But the relationship between you and your mother is different. This unconditional love everybody is talking about seems to not be present.
It is not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to be hot and cold with her child. Sometimes she is the most loving person in the universe, and then she is distant and completely ice cold. This can be incredibly confusing for a child, and she might treat you like this even into your adult years.
This “shifting sands love” is not healthy and has disastrous consequences. The constant uncertainty about the love of your narcissistic mother can cause various emotional issues that can haunt you even later in life. You might even internalize the blame and feel like you surely did something wrong, and this behavior is normal in this case.
But it’s not and will never be. You should consider getting professional help if you find it hard to do this on your own, and stop searching for reassurance from your mother. She is not there to validate your feelings, and in some cases, she even makes you feel worse.
Rely on those around you who offer you unconditional support. Mention healthy relationships with them and go forward with your journey.
38 Responses
I actually didn’t know that being a narcissist was a thing until the last 10 months when things just would not add up and I didn’t understand it although I’m 58 years old, it still is bewildering to me
Maybe you’ve been fortunate enough to have never crossed paths with one — there’s nothing more bewildering than being in the presence of a narcissist, who is family member or boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. It’s a live and learn kind of thing whence you encounter one — and it’s learn and burn for those fall in love with one. I never have loved one (thankfully) but I’ve had close encounters with at least two of them. They are aggressively messed up people who do nothing but manipulate and lie. Not sure why there seem to be so many of them lately lol — but if you met one, you’d likely be so confused by their words and actions. They are real pieces of work …
Sadly these are all traits I experience from my daughter. I genuinely read this to see if I was guilty of being a narcissistic mother but these are the things I experience with my two oldest. They still feel I should be paying for them or somehow bail them out of situations from Poe choices, and I find myself always apologizing for things I know I didn’t even do just to appease and keep one of of these two’s outbursts of anger and insult at a minimum, just to keep the piece. It’s exhausting to say the least, disruptive and draining. I have finally learned to set boundaries. It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did for these girls that I would always be their scapegoat for anything that goes wrong in their lives.
Wow, I feel like you just described exactly what I am going through right now.
Nice to know, I’m not alone in this.
oh my goodness thought I was the only one my 2 oldest are the same way towards me. like they feel entitled or something like I some how old them something. which in reality we raised them protected and made sure they had everything they needed. now 22and 23 its time to grow up and hold themselves accountable for their actions.
If that is happening with both your daughters, you should take a closer look at what you are telling yourself about how you are reacting to your daughters.
I see a few of these in my mother and a few in myself. For instance, my mother makes everything about her. I’ll be trying to have a conversation and suddenly I have to listen to some about her. I hurt my back, and she is dependent upon me because she’s disabled, and I have to take her for her cigarette after I say I can’t do it. Little things set me off, mostly Becky caregiver burnout. She likes to play guilt trips with me, and she doesn’t get that I can’t do everything.
So tired of article beating up on parents. Parenting is not easy especially when the child has adhd, drug problems. Some more articles on HOW IMPORTANT FAMILY is HOW LUCKY YOU ARE IF YOUR PARENTS ARE ALIVE. How relationships take two and sometimes your behavior causes reactions. How are articles praising the parents that stick with the child thru drug addiction. HOw about articles if you are successful your parents did something right.
Drugs do not create narcissistic disorder. However too often it’s the parents who unknowingly create narcissism in children. You as a parent, might not have these characteristics. But you can certainly help to turn a child into one by under indulgence or over indulgence. How do I know? I stare at these faces every single day in my life and feel powerless to do anything.
I was a child when I witnessed extreme cruelty, physical abuse and absence of love and guidance being given to one specific child throughout his childhood until the day he left my family at the age of 17. He went to jail for shooting at someone and missed his head by an inch. Got out of jail and turned his life around by working and putting himself through school without anyone’s help. He became a hi-tech engineer then subsequently a manger.
He had a very successful career and retired at the age of 55. Awesome you’d think? Not so fast! He IS the most selfish, cold, calculated, entitled, jealous, easy to triggered, controlling SOB I know. He is my brother and I love and care about him. But I pay real close attention to him when we’re close. I cannot trust him. It’s so so sad. A life is wasted when you never learned how to be honest or love another soul beside yourself.
On the other hand, my parents made sure all of us females are subservient, low self esteem and become great targets for these narcissistic individuals.
So, you don’t have to be a narcissist to raise another one but you can sure as hell help to create a few of them.
Who got the extreme cruelty and abuse that you mention in your opening sentence…you or your brother?
I am trying to divorce from such a woman whose 57 today and lives on tiktok 24/7, and after 25 yrs of marriage, realized her “family” dumped her problems onto me early on and this marriage which I have gone thru hell for years dealing with so many “agencies” and her problems she got into from drug abuse to mental health, domestic violence and arrests, 3 death threats against myself even, etc and in all, she became even more of an expert as to how to manipulate “experts” and get out of them, dance around laws, and today is why nearly 2 years have been wasted here in NC trying to divorcee100% from such an individual because the courts, nobody, gives a damn about reasons or facts- just assets & debts in the marriage.. So how can you even consider ability to reason or deal with such an individual in the court system?? I am in my 60’s, and there will be nothing left by the time this divorce is settled in NC and is this fair to me or what I invested and worked hard for all these years to see disappear???
How lucky are you if your parents are abusive like mine were and they are still here? There’s nothing lucky about that. You need a dose of reality. Not everyone is living a hallmark life. So an article about how lucky you are doesn’t resonate.
There is dark parenting. No one is beating up on parents if what they say is true. I have two special needs children and I get tired because of the work I put in but I’m mom. They’re worth the time and extra work and they’re great children respected by their peers and educators. One was homecoming king for his class. There are always knuckleheads but I make sure they don’t cause my children any problems. I wish people would realize that children regardless of who they are or what they have are Jesus’s greatest gifts and are worthy of respect.
You are so right on Veronica. It seems the only tool therapists and their cohorts have is to blame parents. Children who go to therapists or seek help on line are often conned into believing they have no role in their disfunction, that their parents were not loving and doing the best they could, etc. I’m waiting for someone to actually start suing therapists who use this easy and profitable way of ruining families.
Totally Agree with you, these articles are always finding ways to make things worse. As a parent you really don’t know if you are doing a good job until your kids are all grown up and then try to the best to fix it if you somehow screwed up. I’ve seen it with my poor parents and now I see it with my own family. Instead of acknowledged how important family is, the embedded fear in new generations and they don’t want to have kids and prefer pets.
Sounds like this (and the other articles criticizing parents that you refer to) is triggering to you in some way. Typically, if the topic doesn’t apply to someone, they don’t get angry or offended. If you find yourself getting defensive over something not directed to you specifically, there’s almost certainly a reason.
Exactly, Veronica. Plus, often the mother’s version of a past event is more accurate because she was an adult with a better viewpoint than the child had.
Simple answer for you… don’t read them and don’t comment on them.
Other people need them. Let them be. The article is SPOT ON. It is the same list that has been in the field of psychology from back when I read every science journal in the dentists office at 8 years old, wondering how to “break the cycle,” coincidently the same phrase used then.
43 years later, Your comment seems very similar to a criticism that a narcisstic parent would make to someone after diminishing a child’s ego and increasing the child’s chances of turning to drugs as a momentary though superficial escape from pain.
I have met many people with ADHD and many other psych conditions such as bipolar and schizoprenia. They all had parents. Some were parents themselves. They all had feelings too.
There is NO excuse for narcisstic parenting.
Victims are not lucky.
Nothing in life happens without effort.
Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
If you are sick, seek professional help for yourself.
I totally agree with you! My daughter is 44 and is has been in and out of the system for years. I figured out about 12 years ago that I was an enabler. I was always there for her, helping her in and out of messes that I was paying for & she continued using & abusing me and the situation. I prayed for God to build a shield around me to actually protect me from her. She is so toxic. There are times when a person has to stop and get off the merry-g0-round. How do a parent stick with someone that is constantly taking them under? (my sanity was at stake) If they make their own mistakes then they have to be the ones to pay, but it seems the alot of the parents do. No more for me. My daughter has to help herself, I just can’t do it anymore. (too old now) So I have to agree with you on what you said. Also, for the people that haven’t gone through this…”It don’t matter til it matters”! Good luck and God Bless anyone thats gone through this hell.
Veronica
This article is not about bad parenting. It is about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Just for some background information, I’m 62 years old, a mother of four, and I have ADHD, I also have dyslexia, I had to be in special classes all the way up through high School. I remember my mom smacking me every time I got a flashcard wrong. Is it my fault that I was born with ADHD and dyslexia? Who’s the narcissist here? And if your child is an addict most addicts I found have parents and relatives that are addicts. Or they have parents that are abusive both physical and psychological. I fortunately did not become an alcoholic like my parents, I guess I just didn’t inherit that Gene. I was lucky.
Nice comment
Absolutely 💯 I agree sounds more like labeling everyone has a little bit of narcissist sickening when you get on your computer and that’s all you is narcissism arrival what makes me sick is your toe to stay away from them at all costs but if this is truly a problem it might hurt them as much to know they may be narcissistic I think this has gone too far I’d like to know who made them judge and jury just because of some way someone behaves in a manner with their mad not knowing their anger where it’s coming from they’re all the sudden a narcissistic
My mother was very kind to other people & sometimes to me but she would say “Your Daddy does not think you are pretty because you do not look like ME. Then later “I love your brother more than I do you but your Daddy loves you best”. What on Earth? And she had felt belittled by her own mother so WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
Doesn’t know any better and I’ll bet you’re beautiful. Mothers can be jealous of their daughters. A secure and loving mother would uplift you not tear you down unless she feels threatened or just plain stupid.
I’m just curious and want to learn more!
Every word describes my mother exactly. It blows my mind how someone cannot see the way they’re treating people. So many different things going on and no accountability they see nothing wrong with them. It’s just frustrating when you can’t get through to somebody like this and they don’t want to get help. She started acting like this years ago, she didn’t do it when I was little. But each day it gets worse and worse and more consistent.
My mother and grandmother were definitely like this
Agree 100% with Veronica’s post. Parents are being vilified, gaslighted, and blamed. Therapists today don’t even include parents in ‘sessions’ and encourage young adults to go ‘no contact’ and blindside their parents and other family members, cutting them off from grandchildren as well. Times and expectations have changed. Today’s parents had parents themselves who expected much more.
Having a handicapped child is one thing, but having a handicapped mother is another. I grew up with a mother who had a damaged heart. My father drove her everywhere; my sister and I weren’t to upset her and on and on. She played it for all it was worth. After my father died, she moved closer to my sister because she was “easier” to live with than I was. The only hitch was my brother-in-law who was an alcoholic and difficult to live with. I offered to have her move in with my husband and me which was a huge mistake. She drove me crazy and I finally arranged for her to move in with a woman close to her age. Eventually, she went into a nursing home where she died. I became guilt-ridden and it took me a long time to put it behind me.
This article definitely describes my daughter. Constant attention and drama. She invents dramatic situations for attention. Her most recent episode happened this year, at a family reunion in Dallas, Texas. Everyone was having a good time and she called the police with a false statement. Needless to say, SHE was arrested and everyone went home. I no longer talk to her and have no intention of letting her back into my life. Sad, but true.
There are different levels of this disorder and it’s hard to know without some help. I’ve often wondered if my mother was a narcissist. I did however find out that she is a gaslighter. I’m sure she has some kind of mental illness also. She is a absolute terror. I finely stopped communicating with her a few years ago. It’s been wonderful. She has pushed and accused everyone she has encountered of something terrible. She is alone and sad. She refuses help of any kind.
The accuracy of this article is superb. I started not to read it because I already knew the answer. However, I’ve gained more insight on my life with my late mother even into adulthood. It’s been 3 years since her passing and I still ‘thawing out.’ By this I mean the layers of deceit and betrayal are slower but surely falling away. I’ve become stronger as I meet my authentic. For this I am grateful. At the same time my heart goes out to those caught up in this atrocity and will never make it.
Welcome to Earth where we all are crazy and No leaves here alive
I knew she was a narcissist in my teens. My Dad was the only one who could keep a muzzle on her. I used to suffer from EXTREMELY bad migraines. My Dad told me once (…..God could die tomorrow and put you in charge, but your Mother will still critize you.” Once I got it….my migraines went away. At one point I cut her from my life and haven’t had a headache in 50+ years!!!
When I was growing up my Mother always praised my Brother more than she did me. She always bragged on his intelligence and that made me feel as If I were not as smart as him so I didnt care if I accomplished higher achievements or not cause she made me feel I would never be as smart as him. In return I didnt even try to do better cause I felt as she didnt care. I ended up in a messy marriage cause I wouldnt smart enough in her eyes. The list goes on.
Gwyn hi I’m so sorry this happened to you my mother always put me down also she is a very negative person she did this to my other sisters I vowed not to when I had my daughter I always praise her and she and I are close my mother is 84 I forgave her for myself I lifted this burden she’s treated our brothers different I realize I can’t change the way she is and accept it I work 7days a week she’s always asking about me because I don’t see her but I love her
I hear you. I too was a product of a mother who loved her son. She had two and one adopted by her third marriage. The one son, who is my blood(from same father) is very cruel, selfish and can not be trusted. I tried to have an honest relationship with him and all I got was lies and deceit. I realized that I was a worthy human being and my strengths and kindness were seen as weakness. I do not have a relationship with my brother and for that I am thankful. Remember your worth. You are the light. You are enough.