Can you recognize emotional blackmail for what it is?
While emotional blackmail sounds like it could be easy to spot, it is actually harder than we think to be able to spot such actions when we are on the receiving end of them.
Think about it for a second. If there is a person in your life who loves to push all your buttons, they may fit the profile easily.
It’s that one person who ends up knowing what makes you tick and what makes you feel bad; they know how to guilt-trip you the best, and whenever you try to put yourself first or do something, they never support your choices.
More often than not, they are going to make you feel so bad for your choices that they are going to try to put you down.
And while this person could be anyone, from a close friend to a parent, more often than not, it happens that people’s partners are the ones that end up emotionally blackmailing them most often.
No matter who it is, you should know that no one should use your emotions against you and that this is a type of abuse.
If you are not sure if it applies to you or if the toxic behavior pattern you have seen by those closest to you and even your partner is emotional blackmail, you have reached a great spot!
We have gathered the most commonly used emotional blackmailing tactics here so you can both learn to recognize them and see them for what they are. Then you can start to build boundaries and put yourself first, slowly breaking the cycle!
If you are ready to discover these toxic habits, keep on reading!
Have you ever dealt with emotional blackmail? Who was it that made you feel so bad—a partner, a friend, a parent, or even a colleague or boss? How did you escape the situation? Share your answers in the comments below!
1. Guilt Trips
Guilt-tripping is one of the signs of emotional blackmail. While someone doing this from time to time is not a sign of toxic behavior, when it happens more often than not, you should be asking yourself some questions.
The person who is doing this may be doing big types of guilt trips, like making you feel like a horrible person for putting yourself first; they may make you feel like you owe them, making you indebted to them even when they haven’t done much for you.
A good way to spot things like this is to think about whether or not this is linked to something you do that they do not like or seem to approve of.
In the case of family members who do not like your choices or what you want to do, they would say things like, “After all we’ve done, this is how you repay me?” or in the case of a spouse, it could go something like, “If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t mind doing this thing for me.”.
The point of guilt trips is to make you put yourself in the second spot in order to please others and always yield to them. If you are an empath, you may be more susceptible to this type of emotional blackmail.
2. Shaming
Shaming is one of the preferred tactics of emotional blackmailers since it puts you on the spot.
It generally happens when you are with other people, since it will make you feel worse and less likely to push back on them.
Say, for example, that you forgot to do something small or that you have broken a piece of china. They may end up making a huge deal out of it in the moment or later, and they may even blame you for ruining a set of homewares.
Sometimes shaming is done with the sole purpose of hurting your feelings, like bringing up again and again things you have done wrong or made mistakes, no matter how little or insignificant they may be.
3. Silent Treatment
Silent treatment or stonewalling is one of the revenge tactics used by people who are used to emotionally blackmail you when their latest scheme does not go in their favor.
When you refuse to do what the abusive person wants and stick to your guns, they are very likely to start ignoring you in a very passive, aggressive way.
This reaction is generally used so that they can easily get the upper hand back on you since they are counting on the fact that you will feel bad that they are ignoring you.
If they are a friend or a significant other but you are not living together yet, you will see them stop responding to texts or calls for a long time, so you get frustrated and start to second-guess yourself.
Likewise, if your spouse is doing this, they may end up not telling you they’re going to the store or out for a walk, ignore you when you talk to them in the home, and even stop little gestures of affection like kisses or hugs.
4. Exaggeration
A lot of the time, if the person is exaggerating all the time, they may be doing it to make you feel worse about yourself. After all, emotional blackmail is used to lower your self-esteem and make you feel like you are not the person you thought you were.
That way, you are easier to manipulate later down the road and let the person get off the hook for everything bad they do or say to you.
In this case, they may end up always making a mountain out of a molehill and always putting the blame on you.
Even when their issues are not because of you, they will manage to spin their issues in such a way that you are responsible for their troubles, and no matter what you say to them, they will not change their minds.
More often than not, this is to get you to do or say what they want.
5. Manipulation
All sorts of emotional blackmail are toxic, but when it goes down the path of manipulation, it is a sign things are getting worse.
We have talked about the ways in which people are trying to make you feel bad or guilty for things that you have not done, but this is all within this scope. They want to manipulate you into doing things they want you to do.
And even if you have not seen the signs we mentioned before, they may end up always playing the victim card; it is always something you did, and they are suffering because of you.
This happens even when you have nothing to do with the situation or when it is clear that you have had nothing to do with it. You may often hear the phrase “It’s all your fault.”
Keep a level head and do not give in to their manipulations.
6. Threat and Ultimatums
Emotional blackmail becomes obvious when the person ends up issuing you ultimatums or threatening you when you do not end up bending to their will.
Since they have probably been bombarding you with the earlier signs we have already discussed, you may end up feeling like you have no choice but to give in to them. For your own good, you should not and try to see how you can get away from them and be safe.
If you want to be able to easily spot these threats and ultimatums, make sure you are vigilant for these types of toxic behaviors:
- threats of self-harm or insisting that they cannot live without you;
- threats of punishment if you do not do as they want since they want control over you;
- threats of retaliation and making you go through the consequences of their own actions.
The easiest way is to think about how some spouses threaten each other when they want to leave the marriage.
They often threaten to take custody of the kids and not let the other see them ever; they beg the other to stay; they will do something drastic and hurt themselves; or they even try to cause you indirect harm.
Keep in mind that emotional blackmailers know all your soft spots, so they try to hit you where it hurts most.
If you’d like to know more about emotional manipulation, we recommend this book written by a doctor on this topic that has changed our perspective entirely!
These are just some of the ways in which you can be emotionally blackmailed. There are ways through which you can stop things from getting this far, and this is by recognizing that someone has bad intentions toward you if we talk about emotional blackmail and abuse from a partner or friend. See the ways in which you can spot these nefarious signs here!
